That Ain't Kosher

I’m fortunate enough to have found amazing, lasting friendships with a bunch of girls that I never would have met (mostly) if it weren’t for this blog. We call ourselves “The Nip Clique.” We email and text each other a zillion times a day, and I swear, it’s cheaper and way more effective than than any kind of therapy I could be getting through my shitty insurance plan (student loans, HAAAAAI).

Even though we’re in different parts of the country (and in some cases, the world), we’ve hung out together and never miss a birthday. In some cases, we’ve even met each others’ families and crashed on each others’ couches. Whenever one of us hits a low point, we all band together to send them gifts (or Youtube porn, if it’s me). I reference them quite a bit; here’s the lowdown on our sick circle:

GINNTASTIC- I never would have met any of these bitches if it weren’t for Ginntastic. I’ve told this story what feels like a hundred times over, so I’ll keep it brief by saying that Gin and I met years ago, before the existence of That Ain’t Kosher or Nugs, and that she’s the one that turned me on (RAWR) to 20sb. So thanks, Ginntastic- you are indirectly/directly responsible for most of the good in my life.

God, that was so gay.

MANDY MOORE- Not counting Ginntastic, who I didn’t actually meet through blogging, Mandy was the first blogger I ever hung out with in person. We got along so well that she’s now one of my best friends, and I’m the Godmother to her adorable daughter, Chicken.

And yes, that IS her real name. Technically, I believe she even got here first.

SARA NIPPLES- Sara Nipples was the first “Nip Clique” member I was introduced to through an innocent comment on one of my posts. Fortunately for both of us, that was the last time Sara, innocent and I were ever in the same room together. We were in 20sb chat at the same time one day, got bored and decided to convince everyone to change their handle (haha… “handle”) to something perverted. So, clearly, we were fated to meet each other. It saved two other people.

NICOLE SWEENEY- Nicole and I recently spent her birthday together when she came to visit me in New York. It was an epic Round Table of Win with a ninja wedding (it’s legal if there was a witness!), the Astoria Beer Garden and a kidnapped third party named Vagina (true story). You can read all about it here.

Nicole will be spending the next couple of years blogging from grad school in Paris while I try desperately to find employment with the marketable skillsets of “naps like a champ” and “can fold legs behind head.” I’m glad I have brilliant friends so I can live vicariously through them.

RISHA- Risha makes me jealous that I have accomplished absolutely nothing in my life thus far. She spends every day crusading for women’s rights with her sexy British-like accent while I sit behind a computer screen writing pieces like this about why all my friends rule. Plus we hung out in New York City a few months ago and guys were literally tripping over me to get to her. Bitch.

TITS- The former (and sometimes still) Coyote Rose and I text each other at least three times a week. It is literally frightening the withdrawal that I go through if I haven’t heard from her all weekend. She’s one of the only friends I have that understands my sexual fetish for office supplies and desperate need for grammatical efficiency. Plus I think I popped her Facebook cherry, so that’s super exciting.

SHELLY- We’re all proud of Shelly. We knew that somewhere in there was a sexual deviant just waiting to be unleashed. I love The Shellator because she and I are both super-nerds that get overly excited about Comic-Con and Adult Swim. One time she said “fuck” and I almost fell over.

The main reason we all adore Shelly so much is because she’s the nicest person we’ve ever met. She tries to claim she’s not, but we all know that’s a load of shit. This one time we were all in chat and some random bitch tried to pick on her for no reason, and literally everybody was immediately like, “I think NOT.” We’re all super-protective of anyone who says anything bad about Shelly, ever. I mean, seriously- this girl says “Jeepers” and “Oh, dear” and actually MEANS IT.

I do really want to see her get pissed off at the wrong person, though. That shit’s going to be like Carrie at the fucking prom.

LOR- The “Lorraine” behind “Roxanne and Lorraine,” Lor is constantly coming up with expert blogging suggestions that make me look like an idiot- and the best part is, she has no idea how awesome she is. Recently she, Sara Nips, Nicole, Lily and I teamed up to form Childhood Trauma, an idea straight out of Lor’s playbook where we massacre the books that we read as kids and used to think were the next literary classics. It took us less than two months to get 60 followers; meanwhile, I’ve been blogging for a year and a half and have yet to crack 100. Thanks Lor, for making me seem totally irrelevant. <3<3<3

LILY- Lily is from Chicago and super bad-ass. I like to pretend that being New York City born and raised gives me ghetto cred but if it ever came down to a street fight Lily could totally protect me while I would probably just stand there and make yipping sounds. This is why she is my heterosexual wife, especially now that New York state just passed the marriage equality law. (PS- “no answer” means “yes!”)

HARLEY- Have any of you seen this girl? She is so hot, and has an Irish accent to go with it. I know it’s wrong to be jealous of your friends but you know what, fucking sue me. I want a sexy accent, too. I sound like Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny.

Having Harley in the mix is great because I didn’t know her prior to joining the Nip Clique. Some of my friends had read her blog, so I’d heard her name, but had no idea what she was like. I’m lucky that she’s as amazing as she is, and BTW, some of her posts are so filthy I’m surprised they weren’t written by me.

YVONNE LEHEAD- Yvonne’s story is truly one of inspiration and intrigue. She was discovered in a NYC souvenir store on her 21st birthday by Nicole, Risha and myself (and our friend Vagina) and rescued from hat prostitution for the price of 25 cents from each of us. We bought some Crayola markers from the nearest CVS and gave her a lazy eye, wisps of hair and a tramp stamp.

She was immediately taken under our wing and shown the sights of the West Village, where she was an instant hit with guys, girls, and leg lamps alike.

From then on we made a pact- everyone in the Nip Clique would eventually get some quality time with Yvonne. It would be like that awful movie Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, only less gay. She was first taken to Coachella with Nicole, where she snuck through security and made friends on the plane.

Her next stop was Brooklyn, NY, where she accompanied me through many different obstacles and got to go on tour with a bunch of shitty indie bands.

She then traveled to Deer T-shirt, PA, where she is currently residing with Mandy Moore, Chicken and their three cats. Apparently, she is busy acting like a total whore, borrowing Mandy’s clothes and make-up and trying to sneak out at all hours of the night. Luckily, Mandy has fantastic mom skills and keeps catching her in the act.

Where will she turn up next? We will definitely keep you posted.