That Ain't Kosher

Last week I wrote a post about my failed hookup with a slab of Canadian Bacon. I honestly didn’t think my story-telling skills were that terrible, but they were obviously bad enough to turn off three of my followers. I have no idea why they chose to quit reading That Ain’t Kosher, and at first I figured that they were disgusted by my PG-13 re-telling of my non-existent sex life.  Seriously, though, that’s pretty pathetic, seeing as how my details weren’t even that graphic. A couple of my friends read it, including those of the hardcore Christian variety, and their response was to laugh their ass off and tell me I was “full of win,” so whatever.

So I have determined that those few pansy-asses jumped ship due to my denouncing of the Canadian persuasion. Really, guys? Considering you’re solely responsible for unleashing the Satanic horde that is Bieber Fever onto this Earth, I’d say I went pretty light on your asses. That’s reason enough alone to to detach your entire country from this continent. I mean, before, Canada was one of those places everyone wondered about but never went to, like Narnia, with big closets and a secret language and a talking fucking magical lion. Now you’re famous for Bieber, so, uh, congratulations.

Look at the devil eyes. I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!!

At any rate, the fact that I lost three followers is mildly unsettling- as much as I like to talk shit about the border, I will admit that it has its redeeming qualities as well. So here is my attempt to call off the maple leaf-wielding masses with my official list of Canadian Things That Don’t Suck, Kind Of.

1) MY BEST BLOGGITY FRIENDS

Believe it or not (probably not), three of the most awesome people I’ve ever met are all located in Ontario. Two of my favorite bloggers, Tabs and Allison, both call the province home, and, in an honorable mention, Amber Lee of AmberPeace, has 51 COUSINS in the city of Windsor.

Not only do I have some amazing girlfriends I can crash with (uh, did I not mention my special invites? OH HAAAAI), but my oldest friend, who’s put up with me since we were both in high school, coincidentally also lives in Windsor. This guy has been with me all through my adult life, and now that he’s pushing thirty (AHAHAHAHA) I’m planning a Toronto vacation next year for the big birthday. We’re like brother and sister- you guys can blame him for my football obsession, and I definitely wouldn’t have passed high school chem if it weren’t for his “tutoring” (or the fact that I emailed him all my assignments- I am still anonymous, right?). He’s in med school now, which I can’t even believe when I think that I met him when I wasn’t even legal driving age. He knows who he is, so I’ll just say thanks.

B) HOCKEY

I went to my first NHL game when I was probably around eight years old, and I’ve been hooked ever since. Hockey players are hands down the toughest athletes in pro sports- you try getting back up when your throat’s been slashed by a skate blade and moving around the rink with masses of pounds of padding strapped onto your body. For those of you that haven’t put it together yet, I’m an obsessive Rangers fan, which means that while I don’t have any active extreme rivalry with any of the Canadian teams, Montreal is fucking awesome and they share our conference, so they’re fun to root against.

When I first went to hockey games with my brothers, who are hardcore hockey fans, the players were rougher and the fights were way more frequent and totally Jerry Springer-esque. I remember seeing two players smash each other up against the glass right in front of me at a Kings game (I saw Wayne Gretzky play live, FYI). Now the violence is toned down somewhat but the action is just as intense. I seriously recommend going to at least one NHL game in your lifetime- even if your home team blows (what up, Isles?).

PYGMY MARMOSET) WILLIAM SHATNER

The Shat is one of the coolest celebrities EVER. Even if you don’t think that Star Trek could actually happen (and um, I so don’t), you have to admit that his Priceline ads are hilarious. William Shatner is not only awesome because he’s synonymous with Captain Kirk, but he also isn’t afraid to make fun of himself- he voiced a version of himself on Family Guy and was in the forgettable misfire $#*! My Dad Says. I actually saw about ten minutes of one episode, and WOW.

He’s also a Jew, so all is forgiven. Shatner rules.

DD) RYAN REYNOLDS

Ryan Reynolds is shirtless in every single movie, probably because most of his movies suck. That’s OK, though: just look at him.

You could bounce coins off of that shit. There’s a reason the Canadian police have the word “mount” in their title.

AND FINALLY:

RYAN GOSLING.

I still refuse to see The Notebook, because it looks sappy and retarded, but Good Lord. I’m a Toys R Us kid.

And if that’s not enough for you (although why wouldn’t it be):

Steve Carrell better move his goddamn head.

Now I’m not saying that if I am ever alone with him in a room there definitely will be assault charges. I’m just saying that there definitely will be assault charges.

So I guess Canada can be pretty cool. I also hear Toronto is really nice, and hopefully I’ll be there in February for my friend’s thirtieth blowout. Just a heads up, Ryan Gosling, so you can escape while you have the chance.

As a music columnist (just go with it), I look for every opportunity to marry my two greatest loves- Ryan Reynolds and chocolate.

Ha! No. Well, yes, but seriously- any chance I get to make a connection between the two worlds of comics and music, count me in. Considering the shitty films we’ve been subjected to this summer, that gives me all the more reason to look back on the most badass collaborations between superheroes, supernerds and supersavants- the Comic Book Movie Soundtrack.

Unfortunately for the Comic Book Movie, most of them have the distinction of being pretty fucking terrible. For every The Dark Knight, there’s a Batman & Robin (I think I just got inspired for a new round of SMAC!). This was a particularly difficult list to compile because a lot of films in this genre are scored and don’t use a lot of songs in general. However, the ones that do decide to go the soundtrack route usually make good use of their decision.

Qualifications include having both a major comic book or graphic novel arc and a killer soundtrack. This leaves out breathtakingly abysmal pieces of shit such as Green Lantern (sorry, Ryan), The Green Hornet, Fantastic Four 1 AND 2, both Men In Blacks, Daredevil, Elektra and The Spirit. Unfortunately, this also invalidates Sin City, 300, Hellboy  1 and 2, Dick Tracy, A History of Violence, Road to Perdition, Ghost World, V for Vendetta, The Rocketeer (Fuck you! I like that movie!), and, somewhat to my dismay, all of the X-Men films, which have instrumental scores. Observe the list, laugh, cry, break shit, whatever.

CAUTION: There are some spoilers in this post if you haven’t read the books or seen the movies. So if you still scroll down, don’t get pissed at me or anything.

The BATMAN Franchise

Batman first made his appearance in DC Comics #27 in 1939 and has had six films made about him, the first being Tim Burton’s Batman in 1989. Batman also holds the honor of having both the best and worst biopics on this list- while The Dark Knight is not only my favorite comic book movie but also one of the most finely crafted and well-casted films I’ve ever seen in general, Batman & Robin is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I recommend you not watch unless under threat of slow, searing gas pain.

The character of Batman is seriously screwed up. If you think about it, he’s some dude with serious parental issues, running around in a cape thinking that he’s solving everyone’s issues when actually, people just want him to shut the fuck up with that annoying voice. That’s not an original concept or anything- if you take away the costume, you just described all my exes.

Three of the six Batman movies were scored (Batman Returns, Batman Begins, and The Dark Knight), and three of them had soundtracks. We’ll cover the soundtracked movies here, because even though they weren’t that great, the albums are pretty kick-ass.

Batman, 1989

The soundtrack to 1989′s Batman was written, produced and performed entirely by Prince, with some guest vocals. It sold three million copies domestically and was number one on the Billboard charts for six weeks. Even if the album sucked, which it totally didn’t, it was still created by Prince, which is an automatic win.

Batman Forever, 1995

Batman Forever has one of the best music compilations I’ve ever heard. I still listen to most of these bands- I’m a HUGE fan of The Offspring and probably have half their catalog on my iPod. As it turns out, a lot of people agreed with me- it sold almost as much as Prince’s Batman soundtrack and also reached #1 on the charts.

Too bad the movie sucked balls. I always feel kind of sorry for any film that’s awful and is riding on the success of another media collaboration.

Here’s a list of the most download-worthy tracks on the CD:

Smash- The Offspring

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me- U2

Tell Me Now- Mazzy Star

There Is A Light- Nick Cave

The Passenger- Michael Hutchence

The Hunter Gets Captured By The Game- Massive Attack with Tracy Thorn

Kiss From A Rose- Seal (I’m not a huge fan of this one, but it won like a zillion Grammys, so I thought I would include it)

Also, here are some more artists featured on the album. I don’t necessarily like all of them, but seeing as how this was the mid-nineties, these are all excellent choices for a collaborative CD.

Sunny Day Real Estate

Method Man

PJ Harvey

Brandy

The Flaming Lips

Batman & Robin, 1997

If it’s possible, this one was even worse than Batman Forever. I remember that I actually saw this movie in theaters with the kid I was babysitting and even he wanted his money back. It was laughably, supremely awful. Another crime this film has committed: it makes me NOT want to look at George Clooney’s rubber nipples. Shame on you, Batman & Robin.

If you insist on watching this movie, you should probably just fast forward to Uma Thurman’s scenes as Poison Ivy. They are hilarious.

Youtube wouldn’t let me embed this, but here’s a brief preview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xk_ZyEUR2Y

The soundtrack, however, is pretty decent. There’s a few choice tracks on there, and some really popular artists- back in 1997. R.E.M. is one of my all-time favorites, and I’ve had a rebirth of ladywood for Smashing Pumpkins ever since I saw them live last summer.

Revolution- R.E.M.

Foolish Games- Jewel

The End Is The Beginning Is The End- Smashing Pumpkins

The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning- Smashing Pumpkins

Some artists that are featured on the soundtrack that I’m not totally into, but are worth mentioning as a lot of people were listening to them back then:

Goo Goo Dolls

R. Kelly (I would make a joke here, but everything’s already been done, so I’ll just let it go)

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

Soul Coughing

THE CROW

I’m ignoring the sequels and intended remake because The Crow is such an amazing movie and graphic novel. I love Bradley Cooper, but he makes no sense for this franchise and I am so worried that this reboot is going to be really stupid. So I’ll just console myself with Netflix.

At any rate, The Crow‘s musical compilation features a ton of bands that I love, some performing tracks written by even more bands that I love. The standout is definitely Nine Inch Nails’ interpretation of Joy Division’s “Dead Souls.” It was the first time I ever experienced an eargasm, only I didn’t know what it was because I was like, six or something.

Here are the most noteworthy tracks on the CD:

Dead Souls- Nine Inch Nails (originally performed by Joy Division)

Burn- The Cure

Darkness- Rage Against The Machine

Big Empty- Stone Temple Pilots

Ghostrider- Rollins Band

And as usual, a list of other artists featured on the album:

Pantera

Violent Femmes

Jesus and Mary Chain

The IRON MAN Franchise (Thanks to Shells for reminding me about this one)

I really dug the first Iron Man film. I could totally get into a comic book movie that was tailored to adults, yet still shamelessly exploited the wants and needs of little kids. Plus they could have turned the camera on Robert Downey, Jr. while he toured a box factory for two hours and I would have stood in line for three days and bought twelve tickets at retail price.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdBSCjG4yFM

The music featured in the first film was all scored by Ramin Djawadi, but the guitar pieces were done by Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave, so I was still superexcited.

The second movie, unfortunately, wasn’t as enjoyable. It focused too much on Gwyneth Paltrow’s unnaturally shiny legs and nasally indigestion voice. The soundtrack, however, was basically a showcase of my #mostfavoritestartistsEVER playlist, so it definitely makes my list. Some of the bands on the soundtrack include AC/DC, who are featured prominently throughout the movie, The Clash, Beastie Boys, Queen and Daft Punk.

And of course, if you hadn’t figured this out by now, Ozzy’s classic “Iron Man” plays in both films. The way it cuts into the ending of the first Iron Man is epic.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD

I saw this movie opening day and immediately fell in love with it. I have no idea why it performed so poorly. I do have my theories, though.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is based on the second in a series of graphic novels released in 2004. The Scott Pilgrim movie is maybe the most exact description of the words “graphic novel film” that anyone has ever come up with.

The entire movie is like a giant video game. Enemies turn into coins, Scott Pilgrim has a scene where he fights the evil version of himself, and there’s a pop culture reference every ten seconds. There was a character named Stephen Stills, and I was the ONLY ONE in the theater that laughed. I CAN’T be that nerdy. Or can I?

The music in the movie is not only great, it’s fun. Scott Pilgrim is like the high schooler’s Google Reader version of High Fidelity. Scott Pilgrim’s band, The Sex Bob-ombs ( a Mario Bros. reference- and I was NOT the only one that caught that), performs music written by Beck, and the songs by their rivals, Crash and the Boys, are composed by Broken Social Scene. The band Clash at Demonhead, meanwhile, was inspired by Metric, who my friend E was listening to years ago, before anyone knew who they were. E, BTW, is chilling somewhere in the UK right now, that lucky bitch.

As if that weren’t enough, some of the artists on the soundtrack are Frank Black, T-Rex, The Rolling Stones (with the classic track Under My Thumb), Dan The Automator, Kid Koala and Radiohead producer Nigel Godrich. Also, tying into its Comic-Con theme, genuine music from The Legend of Zelda can be heard in a dream sequence.

Through Universal Studios, a teaser trailer was released as part of Scott Pilgrim’s marketing campaign featuring music from The Prodigy, The Tings Tings, Be Your Own Pet, Cornelius, Blood Red Shoes and LCD Soundsystem, who I’m still depressed about.

SPAWN

The Spawn soundtrack is pretty damn ace. Comprised solely of collaborations, all its tracks are in the electronica, industrial or hard rock genre. It debuted at #7 on Billboard and sat on the charts for 25 weeks, selling over 500,000 copies domestically.

Some of the most bad-ass tracks on the CD include:

(Can’t You) Trip Like I Do- Filter & The Crystal Method

One Man Army- The Prodigy & Tom Morello

Long Hard Road Out of Hell- Marilyn Manson & Sneaker Pimps

Tiny Rubberband- Butthole Surfers & Moby

Torn Apart- Stabbing Westward & Wink

Familiar- Incubus & DJ Greyboy

T-4 Strain- Henry Rollins & Goldie

Kick the P.A.- Korn & The Dust Brothers

Spawn- Silverchair & Vitro

Other artists featured that are worth mentioning include Kirk Hammett, Metallica, Silverchair, Slayer, Atari Teenage Riot and Soul Coughing. Seriously, I just gave you almost the whole CD. Pick this shit up.

The SPIDER-MAN Franchise

Since 1962, Spider-Man (and that’s the correct spelling, not Spiderman or Spider-man) has been releasing sticky crap out of his hands. Again, a blazing reminder of every guy I’ve ever dated.

Anyway, the companion albums to the Spider-Man films are perhaps the most accurate portrayals of the superhero identity crisis in general, especially the teenage angst part- there’s rock, pop, and a shit-ton of emo.

The best tracks are as follows:

Spider-Man, 2002:

Learn To Crawl- Black Lab

Shelter- Greenwheel

When It Started- The Strokes

Hate To Say I Told You So- The Hives

The artists featured on the CD aren’t bad either. The basset hound from Nickelback recorded the song “Hero” for the soundtrack, along with Josey Scott from Saliva, Tyler Connolly from Theory of a Deadman, Matt Cameron from Soundgarden and Pearl Jam and Mike Kroeger from Nickelback. I personally can’t stand this song, but it went 4x platinum in the US and hit #3 on the Billboard Hot 10o, as well as #1 on the Modern Rock charts, becoming a massive cross-promotional hit.

Other bands on the soundtrack include Alien Ant Farm, Sum 41, Macy Gray and Pete Yorn, with the Spider-Man main title getting its own reboot by Aerosmith.

Spider-Man 2, 2004:

In my opinion, this is album that most fits the Spider-Man themes of teen angst, redemption and loss, especially with the inclusion of Dashboard Confessional and the track by Jet. I have the entire album downloaded, but here are the songs you should really be listening to:

Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional

Hold On- Jet

Give It Up- Midtown

The artists chosen to contribute to the CD were a general VH1 hotlist of 2002. Here’s a list of who else you can find in the track listing:

Train

Maroon 5 (I’ll accept them on mute because Adam Levine is hot)

Too bad your music blows.

Taking Back Sunday

Yellowcard

The Ataris

There’s also an awesome track from Queen guitarist Brian May. Can’t go wrong with that!

Spider-Man 3, 2007

This movie needed to redeem itself from its deplorable reception. Luckily, its soundtrack is just as exceptional as the first two. Hit up your iTunes for these:

Signal Fire- Snow Patrol

Move Away- The Killers

Pleased To Meet You- Wolfmother

Red River- The Walkmen

Falling Star- Jet

Spider-Man 3‘s companion CD also contains tracks by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Flaming Lips, The Oohlas, and Chubby Checker.

It’s also worth mentioning that the Spider-Man Theme was re-recorded by the Ramones as a hidden track on their 1995 album !Adios Amigos!. Their version was also included in one of their live performances and in various other projects.

The SUPERMAN Franchise

I don’t think it’s necessary for me to go on about how obsessed I am with anything and everything Superman. But in case you don’t know, and aren’t nervous about finding out, go here.

Superman first appeared in DC Comics’ Action Comics #1 in 1938 and ever since then has been floating around in comics, books, magazines, five movies, at least five television series, and um, my dreams. Wait! I mean no. Let’s just move on and get to the music part.

The first film, Superman, was released in 1978, and has since become a classic. Hearing the the Superman theme that accompanies the opening credits is like Pavlov’s bell to most little kids and um, myself.

Superman Opening Credits

All the films are scored, so they won’t be covered here, unfortunately. However, I will tell you guys that I recently watched the movie on AMC three nights in a row even though I own it on Blu-Ray.

My advice to those of you who have not yet familiarized yourself with the Superman franchise is to move to America. After that, watch Superman, Superman II and Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut and skip everything else. Superman Returns should never have been made and was a desperate attempt to cash in on all the comic books that are being exploited by Hollywood. This new Man of Steel that’s being slowly unraveled by Zack Snyder right now makes me very uneasy and I hope that having Jonathan Nolan on board means that I won’t cry through all of 2012. I plan on writing a post airing all my grievances on this later on, so be on the lookout for that. Or, check out now. Your call.

SMALLVILLE:

I never got into Smallville, even though I really, really wanted to, because it was boring and stupid, but I did look up the music used on the show for the sake of this post, and, like most of the shows on the CW, that turned out to be its only redeeming quality. The Smallville theme was “Save Me” by Remy Zero, which I actually have in my iTunes, and some of the artists heard in the episodes included Stabbing Westward, The Juliana Theory, Sia AND Zero 7, Unwritten Law, Interpol, The Cult, and Juliette and the Licks (SERIOUSLY??? OHMIGOD!!! Maybe I should have watched.)

I did not, however, appreciate seeing a season 7 episode listing that appeared to be a showcase for that dude from OneRepublic who’s like a whore for tweenyboppers. Also, when I was scrolling through the music section of the website I was just waiting to see that awful “Superman” song by Five For Fighting, because wouldn’t that just be predictable and cheesy, and yup, there it was.

Apparently the show released two soundtracks as well, both of which didn’t impress me, save for the inclusion of Depeche Mode’s “Precious” on Volume Two: Metropolis Mix.

So basically, watch the first two movies, and call it a day. And try not to picture me geeking out and fanning myself when the Superman theme comes on.

THOR

Seriously, have you seen this guy's arms?

Most of the music used in Thor is a score composed by Patrick Doyle. However, I had to include this movie because in one scene, and the closing credits, Foo Fighters’ “Walk,” from their latest LP, Wasting Light, is used as the only non-instrumental piece deemed worthy enough to make it into the film. Dave Grohl’s god-like awesomeness strikes again.

WATCHMEN

The Watchmen series was released in 1986, and is the only graphic novel before or since to make TIME‘s 100 All-TIME Greatest Novels list (in 2005). It was also featured at number 13 on Entertainment Weekly‘s list of 50 best novels in the last 25 years. Getting the feature film to finally hit theaters was a decades-long struggle that left fans salivating for a movie worthy of its caliber. Watchmen finally came out in 2009 from Warner Bros. Pictures.

While the movie wasn’t a complete failure, fans of the book weren’t exactly high on it as a whole. First of all, no matter how hot Billy Crudup is (and he is), no one wants to look at a big, blue schlong in our face for four hours- or, for that matter, for two minutes. Speaking of, what was up with that runtime? I’ve had relationships that were shorter than that. It’s also a Zack Snyder movie all the way- he’s not completely faithful to the novel, which again, makes me very, very apprehensive about Man of Steel.

However, the movie is memorable for the opening scene set to Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are A-Changin’”, which shows what our society has and will become. It does trick you into thinking that you just spent nine bucks on the Watchmen film you always wanted to see, but it’s a mesmerizing scene nonetheless.

The soundtrack is a music buff’s college term paper, with the aforementioned Dylan track plus classics by Hendrix and Janis Joplin. Also included is the closing credits title, an energizing effort from, surprisingly, My Chemical Romance, who usually annoy the shit out of me. They are covering a song originally performed by Bob Dylan, though, so maybe that explains it. Leonard Cohen’s oft-interpreted “Hallelujah” also appears, both on the soundtrack and in the film (I remember that it played during a particularly disturbing sex scene between Silk Spectre II and Nite Owl II, which almost ruined it for me). Here’s a complete listing of the best tracks from the movie:

Desolation Row- My Chemical Romance

Hallelujah- Leonard Cohen

All Along the Watchtower- Jimi Hendrix

The Times They Are A-Changin’- Bob Dylan

Me And Bobby McGee- Janis Joplin

The film also features two songs that are mentioned in the novel- “Hallelujah” and Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Sounds of Silence.”

As always, feel free to weigh in with your opinions below. I realize with every post that I write about comics I lose more and more street cred, but keep in mind that I weigh like fourteen pounds and look like I’m 12 anyway, so really, this is not hurting anything and you’re all bound to find out anyway.

Back in March, I started a bet with Johnny Sacks over at Living With Balls as to the outcome of the 2011 Major League Baseball season. It began as a relatively harmless lark, but then I realized that the loser has to keep their most hated team’s logo on their blog for a whole month. I’m a Mets fan and he’s a Yankees fan, so this is sure to be a very painful lesson in dignity.

Here’s how the points system works, to be determined at the end of the season:

1 point for each division/wild card winner
1 point for each Rookie of the Year
1 point for each most/least improved
2 points for each League Division series
3 points for each League Championship series
5 points for the World Series winner

You can get a good look at each of our picks here.

Now that the All-Star Game is over (BTW, KICK-ASS, NATIONAL LEAGUE! Here’s me doing my happy dance. Pretend you didn’t see that) and the season is half underway, I decided to revisit our choices and give you guys a heads-up on who’s going to be forced to put the Mets insignia on his blog (HAHA!). Of course there’s no final verdict on all the categories, since the season is only partially over, but here’s how we’re both doing so far:

DIVISION WINNERS:

AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST


We both chose the Boston Red Sox.

They have a fucking NASTY roster with a sick rotation and a healthy line-up, and although we both chose them to go to the World Series this year (against my most hated adversaries, the Stupid Phillies), Sacks actually predicted a win.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Looks like we were right on the mark. The Sox are currently first in the AL East, with a 55-35 record, sitting a game above the Yankees. They currently have a six-game winning streak and their next match is at Tampa, who hold the third-place spot in the division.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL

SACKS: Minnesota Twins

Due to an excellent management system and a new stadium, which led to a bigger payroll, Sacks went with the Twins. While this is a substantial choice, the AL Central is usually a pretty tight race between Minnesota, Detroit and Chicago, so we’ll see where this goes. Joe Nathan and Justin Morneau were injured last season, but were expected to come back this year at the head of their game.

NUGS: Detroit Tigers

Choosing the leader of the AL Central is always a toss-up for me, but this year I decided to pick Detroit. Jim Leyland has proven to be one of the top managers in the business, and now, with one final year on his contract, he made some key signings in the off-season with the additions of Victor Martinez and Joaquin Benoit. He also made the outstanding decision to keep top performers Magglio Ordonez, Brandon Inge and Jhonny Peralta.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Well.

Not only are the Tigers in the top spot, but they’re seriously dominating over Minnesota.

Detroit currently holds a 49-43 record, with the Indians (seriously???) half a game back in the number two position. Their next game is at home against the White Sox, who were ALMOST my pick this year.

The Twins have next to no shot at a title this year, with a 41-48 record. They’re not exactly chasing the Tigers, as they’re 6.5 games out of the race. Yeah, good luck with that.

AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST

Due to their American League pennant in 2010, Sacks and I both went for the Texas Rangers.

None of the other teams in this division did anything in the off-season to make us believe they even wanted to put up a fight, and the Rangers’ solid pitching is still a powerhouse, even with Cliff Lee eventually going to the Phillies (gross- more on them later).

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

This was easy to predict- Texas’ 51-41 record has put them atop the AL West, one game ahead of the Angels. Their seven-game winning streak is currently the highest in Major League Baseball, and their next game is an away against Seattle, who is 7.5 games out of first place.

WILD CARD

Sick minds think alike- both Sacks and I picked the Yankees.

Come on, it’s the Yankees. They’re the Hugh Hefner of professional sports. Instead of trying to fix whatever glitches might come their way, they just go out and buy some more 19-year-olds.

Besides, if they’re having a shitty year, they’ll just pay someone to get them into the playoffs.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Please. Like you guys had to ask.

Currently a game behind the Sox with a record of 53-35, the Yankees are clinging to that Wild Card spot. Their next game is an away against Toronto, who’s 10 games behind them. So, yeah.

NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST

Unfortunately for me, this one was probably the most apparent, and also the most painful, in all of Major League Baseball. Sacks and I both predicted that the Stupid Phillies would not only take the division, but also win the National League pennant. In my case, I’m also disgusted by the fact that they’ll probably win everything. Douchebags.

When Sacks emailed me his choices months ago he did express sympathy for both of us by stating that we each went with our most hated teams as the World Series winners. This will most likely be our consolation prize when whoever loses has to put either the Mets or Yankees logo on their site. 

The Phillies’ lineup is ridiculous, and their rotation is most likely considered illegal in 37 states. This is why I loathe them with the speed and passion of a thousand fastballs to the crotch. When the pitcher you’re the most concerned about is Joe Blanton, who was still basically unstoppable until he was recently placed on the 15-day DL, all the other teams in your division should probably just go home.

I hate you, Stupid Phillies. Every year you make me miserable and depressed.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

I really didn’t want to check on this, because I knew it would break my heart. I figured that the Phillies would be in first place, by like, a lot, and I also realized that by checking the standings for the NL East, I would also see how shitty the Mets were doing (read: everyone close to me is hiding the Drano).

Not only are the 57-34 Stupid Phillies 3.5 games ahead of the second place Braves, but none of the other teams in the NL East even have a prayer. They all suck ferociously, but at least my beloved Mets are in third place. I’ll ignore the fact that they have 7.5 games to go before they even catch up to Atlanta (they won’t). It also really doesn’t help that the Phillies play their next game against the Mets. It’s at ShittyField, but let’s be honest; that doesn’t make a difference.

At least the Marlins are terrible this year. Sorry, Lor. #butnotreally.

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL

SACKS: Milwaukee Brewers

I almost went with Milwaukee, but I wasn’t positive that this was their year. Sacks made a logical decision based on the Brewers’ addition of ace Zack Greinke and a lineup that includes Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun.

NUGS: Cincinnati Reds

The Reds seemingly came out of nowhere with an outstanding young offense and amazing growth potential. Scott Rolen is one of the best third basemen in baseball if he’s not injured, and the Cardinals were no longer the threat they used to be. It was a tough call between them and Milwaukee, but I had to go with the Reds based on 2010′s accomplishments.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

This one is close. The Brewers are currently in first place; however they’re tied with the St. Louis Cardinals with a 49-43 record. The Reds are currently in third place with a record of 45-47. Sacks is in the lead here, but I could easily topple this one. The season’s only half over!

BTW, their next games are against each other, in Cincinnati. So we’ll see who prevails.

NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST

Due to their status as World Series Winners, Sacks and I both got creative and picked the San Francisco Giants. 

Not only are they the reigning MLB champs, but their rotation is nausea-inducing (Tim Lincecum and Madison Bumgarner’s pitching is ridiculous) and their lineup isn’t shabby either.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Like anyone had any doubt? The Arizona Diamondbacks are the only NL West team that even come close to going after the Giants, sitting three games behind their 52-40 record. Their next game is against the last-place Padres, who are 12 games out. It’s in San Diego; like that matters.

WILD CARD

SACKS: Colorado Rockies

Sacks chose the Rockies for the coveted Wild Card slot based on their off-season acquisition of Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez, not to mention the monster arm of Ubaldo Jimenez. The Rockies have been showing major improvements since their slump and were expected to shake up the NL West.


NUGS: Milwaukee Brewers

I chose the Brewers based on the difficult choice I had to make between this team and the Reds for the top spot in the NL Central. I figured whichever team didn’t lead that division would be the Wild Card in the National League. This division is in an incredibly close race for first place every year.

The Brewers have the distinction of being one of the only teams in baseball where hitting trumps pitching.  While they did shell out for ace Zack Greinke, Milwaukee can also boast a lineup of Prince Fielder, who is absolutely proof of genetics, Corey Hart and Ryan Braun.

Their next game, coincidentally, is at home vs. Colorado. This should be interesting.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Neither one of us got this one, actually- the NL Wild Card, so far, is the Atlanta Braves.

Great- I hate them, too. Not as much as the Stupid Phillies, of course, but I still reserve a shelf of resentment for them in my heart.

However, when tallying up the results, let it be noted that the Brewers are five games ahead of the Rockies and therefore closer to the Wild Card slot. So again, the victory goes to me. Cue Nelson Muntz laugh.

Of course, this is subject to change in November, after the World Series is over and the MVP’s are announced. The rest of the categories- and your winner and loser- will all be determined after the season is done. I just wanted to give you guys a clear update on the fact that so far, victory is mine.

This weekend I was sitting on Mandy Moore‘s couch giving a makeover to Yvonne Lehead when I got a text from Sara Nips (there are so many sexy things about that sentence). The entire Nip Clique has been super excited for her upcoming Vegas honeymoon because let’s be honest, The Hangover has nothing on our more-than-slight homoeroticism.

Even though we’re spread (haha. “Spread”) all over the country, with two of us on other continents, most of us are East Coast based, so imagine, if you’re not too afraid, the reaction that Mandy and I had when Nips shot me a sext announcing that Andy was thinking of changing their honeymoon destination to my hometown of New York City.

After we had finished “Squee-ing” and cavorting around in heterosexual matrimony, Mandy and I pulled ourselves together and concocted a plan to get Nips over to our side of the flag. Apparently she didn’t need that much convincing because her next message was a request for a list of fun stuff to do in New York to help sway Andy over to the Dark Side (join us! We have roofies).

I of course immediately agreed to this because A) making lists and spreadsheets and color coding shit is like having sex to me and B) anything that lures Sara Nips into my dungeon bathtub ninja lair automatically equals WIN.

I sent her like a three-page email of the REAL New York City, color coded by section with links to the most important food, music, bars and classic sights. Apparently this made her day because not only did Nips forward this to all our friends, but posted quotes from the email on Facebook. Later I was told that my “real” NYC guidebook was hilarious, so for all of you who are planing a trip here, I decided to help you out and post it for you.

So here’s how to do New York City on a bargain, the RIGHT way, without coming across as a desperate tourist or angry foreigner. Frommers, you are officially my bitch.

My email to Sara Nips is below:

Yay! You’re coming to NY! (Please???)

4) It must be extra drippy with the oil (I call this “Joker Mouth”).

The Wax Museum (which I will not go into with you because I’m afraid of it)

It rubs the lotion on its skin...

Ripley’s Believe It Or Not

Sephora (it’s HUGE. I can never just walk away.)

The NY Pass is really cheap- about 60 bucks- and it gets you into a bunch of the main NYC attractions (Times Square, Statue of Liberty, etc). No strip clubs, though, sorry.

Shut up! You don't own me.

ZOMIGOD, you guys.

Not only is it the six-month anniversary of SMAC, but to celebrate, we have a fucking amazing list. For some reason, the June Edition is all Nip Clique or Nip Honorary, so just click through the links and don’t jerk it too hard.

PS- for those of you that are pissed that you didn’t get an email this month, note that on May’s edition I instigated a new rule in which I clearly stated that if you do not let me know, by email, that you’re in the ring, YOU’RE NOT INVITED. I seriously can’t keep track of everybody, so you need to help me out. I need to hear from you by the 20^th of the month, and the swap list goes out on the 21^st. That’s it. Done.

I love you.

This month I’m posting for Harley, who not only is incredibly hot but has the accent to go with it (SO jealous), so if you head over No Pressure No Diamonds you’ll get to read my assessment of why Aladdin has ruined my future in procreation.

Before you do that, though, scroll down to capture Sara Nips’ review of the eye-bleeder that is Space Jam. You lucky bitches get a double does of Nips and I since I posted for her last month, so…hooray?

BTW, Nips has now opened my eyes to a world of possibilities for baby names. If I have a son, I’m naming him Basketball Jones. Middle name Andy.

Andy and I originally set out to watch the movie Space Jam, so I could write my shitty movie review post. We rented the movie, popped some popcorn, and hit play.

We literally made it through less than a minute. (Special Nugs Commentary: Clearly, Nips neglected to partake in the “Two-Disc Special Edition” you see up above, because then they may have gotten through a good five minutes. Or maybe not.)

After the movie opened with the most amazing ballad of all time (“I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly), Andy mentioned that he owned the soundtrack to Space Jam and used to rock that shit on a regular basis. Obviously, my only reaction was to press pause and listen to the entire Space Jam soundtrack, beginning to end. And to be honest, the soundtrack to Space Jam is where the real magic is happening.

It was impossible to play “Basketball Jones” without 90s dancing all up in the living room and freaking out our dogs. Space Jam has the most perfect humping soundtrack I’ve ever heard. And I fully intend on testing this out in the near future.

The soundtrack to Space Jam is the perfect representation of 90s music. The songs on that soundtrack have beats that make you feel like you’re in a night club you can never escape, creepy ballads sung by creepy people, and songs that remind many of us of Friday night skating rink parties or kissing with braces.

Everyone knows the movie Space Jam is shittastic because we were all forced to watch it a millionty times in elementary school. (Seriously, is this the only movie my school had for rainy days?) But the hidden gem in all of this is truly the music that comes along with the movie. Do yourself a favor and have a listen.

P. S. I realize that I didn’t actually review the movie at all because I’m super lazy and distracted easily by dancing like an old person in my living room for hours at a time. Don’t hate.

P. P. S. I get to host my best bloggity friend on my blog for the movie review this month! I may have cried a few tears of joy when I found this out. Obviously I had to clean up the place, light some candles, put on my Space Jam soundtrack….. you get the idea. If my blog is rockin’, don’t come knockin’, yo. (Plus Lor (roxanneandlorraine.blogspot.com) actually did a movie review post like we were supposed to. Go figure.)

I haven’t done Bloggerstock in a while, but I felt like I should contribute something because Alex told me in chat that it was the one year anniversary this month, and hey, I like commemorating shit. My Aural Sex column turns one this month, as well, and SMAC is celebrating its half-year birthday (you can do that, because I say so). There’s a lot going on in June, people. Pump up the valium.

Anyway, the last time I did Bloggerstock I got paired up with Mandy Moore and Molls so it would be pretty impossible for them to match that one. (BTW, Mollie has been going through some pretty rough shit as of late, so if all of you could keep her in your heart, that would be really awesome.)

HAHAHA. Wrong. For the Bloggerstock Anniversary Edition, I get to post for K. Syrah while I host Risha on That Ain’t Kosher! It’s like, are you kidding me??? Boner parade! (PS, Rish- I should have guessed that you liked it on top.)

You can read my contribution to this month’s Bloggerstock Edition on Shoes Never Worn, but before you do that, dive into this helping of sexy right here. Picture Risha saying this stuff with her hot accent.

Yeah.

Hi, I’m Risha and I blog on you can read me anything, which is a collection of rants, moaning and general nonsense. Which also sums up my Bloggerstock post for this month! I’m hosting Nyx this month; so do go read her post, which is full of awesome. Between Nyx & Nugs, I’m in a fantastic BlogSandwich!

The theme for this month is “Before there were blogs” to commemorate Bloggerstock’s first anniversary! We’re meant to dig up our old diaries and journals and post a piece from our former, non-blogging selves. Unfortunately, I don’t have any of my truly awful “I’m sixteen and I hate the world” journals with me here. I do, however, have my “I’m 21 and I’m travelling and I am such a pretentious little shit” journals.

I am truly sorry for putting you through this.

27.09.07

Traveling always makes me long for another few hours of traveling time, to discover beautiful new cities and, in some way, make them mine. On trains or side roads, I hear so many accents and languages, people who seem like they had interesting things to say or the kind of energy that would envelop you in laughter and fun.

I wish I could have known them.

An Autumn Window In Den Haag

Perhaps in a parallel universe, we shall have been good friends or perhaps even lovers.

But, for now, a surreptitious glance shall do as we go about our lives, conversations bumping against each other and your voice cutting through all the chatter & train sounds that overwhelm every journey.

Your voice is as distinct as your ice blue eyes.

This is every French cliche, ever. Versailles, France.

I am listening in to conversations I don’t understand in languages I don’t know. There is something that is both humbling and liberating about being unsure of whether you can communicate even if you wanted to. My mumbled “Vielen Dank” ,“Merci beaucoup”, “Dank je wel” , “Gracias”, “Köszönöm” at every held-open door and pushed-ticket window, is jumbled up in English pronunciation and terrible language skills. Yet, people smile with broad grins and nods at every failed attempt to not butcher a language alien to my tongue.

On trains to somewhere else, a backpack overhead and feet aching, I play “Guess the language” in my head.

I will never know if I was right and if I won.

Brugge really is a fucking fairytale town. Brugge, Belgium.

I have a camera full of monuments. Places seen on films that broke my heart or made me sing, backdrops to famous scenes and dancing montages.

And now, they are suffused with a knowing, a touch, and a breath of all that it has seen and held. A shared space, a known story.

The Eiffel Tower, Paris, France

I walk around these spaces on gloomy afternoons, the sky overcast and threatening. People stop to ask if I need help with my map and I am stunned by the humanity that surrounds me.

People love their cities, their towns, and little foreign girls who look lost.

I was drenched in a downpour, watched the rubbish bin tumble down a cobbled street and hail smash into windscreens.

Only stepping into a new place exhilarates me more.

The bridge over the Danube, connecting the cities of Buda and Pest. Budapest, Hungary.

It’s not Tuesday.

I will defend myself by stating that this post is NOT LATE. First of all, it’s Friday the 13th today, so I figured this was a good day to post instead of the usual Tuesday. Because I’m scary. BAM.

I also wanted to give you even more time to get your stuff in. And only three more of you actually did it. Really, you guys? Really? You had like two months. FAIL. No more waiting. You lose.

For those that did manage to send me your music picks, you are all countless shades of awesome. Thank you for participating in this month’s edition of Aural Sex. I can’t pay you or anything, because my first paycheck hasn’t come in yet and I’m surviving on tap water and soup, but um… YAY? Do you accept sweaty hugs? Or straddling?

Anyway, for May’s Guest Minions Edition of Aural Sex, I recruited some of my friends to send me their favorite bands and most anticipated summer albums. I would have done it myself, but you all get more than enough of me every month, and besides, I’m equal parts busy and lazy.

So, uh, yeah. I’m out of funny today because I’m working fourteen hour days and barely even remembered to post this. So here you go. I highly recommend that you download all most of these.

PS- I totally wasn’t kidding about the straddling. I don’t have a lot going on.

ALLISON, MY QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS

Tits is one of my best bloggy friends ever. How much do I love this girl? Let’s count the ways.

1) She sends me sexy texts about office supplies (yellow legal pads give me fetish dreams)

B) The Nip Clique recently pooled our 35 cent life savings together and sent her a birthday gift basket of chocolate and midgets. (Just kidding about the chocolate)

Meerkat) Have you seen her legs? She is so hot.

BONUS) Even though she likes Fallout Boy (I know.), I am still letting her post for me. Take a look:

Okay so like three months weeks ago, Nugs asked me to give her the three Cd’s I am most anticipating in the next couple months. And like the awful friend I am, i am just now getting it to her. Yeah, I blame that life thing i sometimes have some semblance of. Since Nugs already covered the epic new Foo Fighters Album, i am going to leave it off my list even though my heart beats with death of a thousand suns for the Foo Fighters.

Vices and Virtues by Panic! at the Disco (March 22): Okay so technically I already own this album. I totes bought it the day it was released. Mock if you must (and most of you must) I love Panic almost as much as I loved Fall Out Boy (I’m still in mourning over the break-up). Even though they are now a duo instead of a quartet, it doesn’t feel like anything is missing from the sound. Vices and Virtues is the perfect mix of A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out and Pretty. Odd. It tends to fall back on the original Panic! sound but with some sweet notes from their foray into beatles-esque that was their second CD.

This Loud Morning by David Cook (June 28): So I totally admit I still watch American Idol, and I voted for David Cook. I was pretty much won over by him when he turned Lionel Richie’s Hello into an Emo song. I’m excited to see what he’s going to do for his sophomore Cd. He debuted the lead-off song The Last Goodbye on Idol a couple weeks ago, and it was hands down the best song sung on Idol in the last year. He has a talent and a musicality that current Idol contestants are just lacking.

Gravity Happens by Kate Voegele (May 24): Singer-Songwriter-Musician and current One Tree Hill cast member Voegele has been hard at work on her third CD. Voegele has a very current interesting sound similar to Sara Bareilles, with a little bit of a harder edge. Voegele plays both piano and guitar and she could certainly be the new face of Chick-Rock ala Alanis Morissette except with a less angry-lesbian vibe. I love her second Cd, A Fine Mess, and i’m sure i’m going to love this one too.

Bonus: Somewhere in the Stratosphere by Shinedown (May 3): Not really a CD of new music, Shinedown is releasing a 2 CD/ 2DVD set of music from live sets from both their acoustic and electric tours. I happen to love their last album, Sound of Madness, even though i was never really a Shinedown fan previously. So i’m excited to get a listen to this album, i expect the competing versions of stripped down to electric are going to cause me to have some sort of eargasam. I willing to place bets that i like the acoustic version a little bit better.

I am SUPER stoked for this month’s edition of the Horrible Movie Blogring because:

A) We’ve FINALLY chosen a name! After a lot of arguing, tears and a massive, nipply slumber party where vodka and water balloons made their requisite appearances, I give you the Shitty Movie Awareness Club, a.k.a SMAC. Special thanks to Coyote Tits for letting me basically cop her idea for myself (PS- it’s her birthday this week! Feel free to drop by her blog and leave lots of inappropriate pics. She likes ponies. Hairless ones).

2) Have you guys seen the list of participants this month? It makes my loins eyes wet. We have the regular psychos who actually take the time each month to sacrifice their dignity, and now, for the first time, I have almost the entire Nip Clique in on this. When I was preparing the swap list for May I almost cried tears of happiness. I am seriously THAT EXCITED.

Speaking of the swap list, every time the reviews go up I inevitably get complaints that I left people out. Well, guess what? When this ‘ring started in January I had four people, including myself. Now I have between 15-20 every month, and I can’t remember who goes where (hmmm… sounds sexy. Call me <3). No more assuming- if you want in, send me a goddamn email, or you’re not invited.

Squirrel) Not only do I get to post my assault on From Justin to Kelly for Sara Nips (SQUEEEE!!!!!), but this month I got to host Tsa for the first time ever!

Tsa is another one of my best bloggy friends because she was actually insane cool enough to show me around San Francisco when I visited a few months ago. If she weren’t so awesome I would have wondered if there were something wrong with her. There probably is- I mean, she did willingly hang out with me, more than once.

If this pairing gets you totally hot, BTW, you might also want to pick up the third issue of her zine, Be About It- it features a guest post from me about dreams. It’s only $2.50, plus shipping.

So, here’s Tsa’s contribution to SMAC: The Pop Stars Edition. Check out my review on Nips’ blog, and don’t forget to email me for next month! I’m at thataintkosher83@gmail.com, and emails are due by Friday, May 20th.

Pop stars, pop tarts, poop stars. When was the last time you saw a good movie starring an icon from popular music? Take a minute and think about it, I’ll wait. When I try to rack my brain over good pop star movies I come up with that one Billie Holiday movie with Diana Ross playing the blues legend, Lady Sings The Blues, and the Selena film with Jennifer Lopez, but after that I’m at a loss. Maybe those two movies were good because the roles the singers played weren’t all that different from their day jobs. Remember that Mariah Carey movie? I blanked it out from my memory. I’m just trying to say that pop starlets aren’t usually amazing actors, and the movies they chose to take part in usually suck the big one– and that’s not saying they suck in a horrendously hilarious way but in a blinding myself by gouging my eyes out with a spork kind of way. All of that aside, what if I told you that a movie existed that is amazingly bad as it is superbly thrilling and features not only pop stars but rappers? Lots of them. Do I have your attention?

State Property 2 is the movie I was hinting at. Written, directed and starring Dame Dash, co-founder of Roc-A-Fella Records, which explains a lot as SP2 is kind of like a big wank-off to Dame’s importance in the music and crime world. If you’ve never heard of him before but you know of Roc-A-Fella Records (the other co-founder is Jay-Z), don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m here to hold your hand for the rest of the post if you need me to. Kidding. No one cares or ever talks about Dame Dashbecause he’s an asshole as Kanye West will tell you. Getting back on track, SP2 is a sequel but watching the first State Property is not a requirement, and actually I would warn against it. The sequel is a vast improvement over the original; it’s funny and silly where the first film took itself too seriously and fell very flat in its delivery. The first time I viewed SP2 my mom happened to
be in the living room with me reading through a magazine, but I kept catching her looking up to watch the movie. She even laughed a few times. SP2 is mom-approved, if that tells you anything.

Aside from Dame and his ego (both prominent figures) the movie also stars Beanie Sigel, Freeway and Omillio Sparks, three Philly rappers, as well as Mariah Carey (as a high-maintenance girlfriend), Ol’ Dirty Bastard of the Wu-Tang Clan (as a snot-nosed burger flipper), and a slew of other hip-hoppers that I could name but I’ll spare you. The story-line is incredibly weak and pretty much non-existent. Have you ever listened to a skit on a hip-hop album? If you answered yes, good. If not, go download some hip-hop albums before you continue reading this. The movie is basically a series of set-ups for silly skits, a la “Deeez Nuuuts” and “The Doctor’s Office” on Dr. Dre’s game-changing album The Chronic. Some of the skits in SP2 are really funny, spit-take funny at times, but even the most hilarious selection of skits can feel empty when there isn’t a plot to carry them.

To end this on a positive note, State Property 2 is the kind of movie that you watch when you have a bunch of friends over and you want to talk and have fun but also have something ridiculous going on in the background. According to iMDB the word “fuck” is used in the film about 270 times, so that’s a good drinking game right there.

I just realized I haven’t put up a post in over two weeks. Instead of beating myself up for being inadequate, I actually feel pretty accomplished because I’ve been getting a ton of shit done.

April 2011 was like the month of Ninja Skills for me. I picked up a bunch of freelance projects and I’ve been working 14-hour days while I impress everybody with my over-achievement and glorious ability to multi-task. Not only that, but I may have- MAY HAVE- joined the ranks of the employed. I only say “may have” because even though the job would enable me to live in New York (excitement plus!!!), my boss is based in LA, and so far everything I’ve been promised out there has turned out to be a complete fucking lie. So we’ll see. This job starts Monday, and I’ll keep you guys updated on that (you know it).

I’ve also joined forces with some of my best and most favorite bloggy friends and am now co-authoring two more monumental pieces of literature:

Risha and I started the anti-fashion movement Whut Is Fashun?, where anyone can go to bitch about why all of a sudden there’s a fucking law against wearing sweats to the grocery store. I’ve never done a so-called “fashion” blog before, but “anti-anything” is OK with me. I mean, please. My entire uniform is three pairs of jeans on rotation and t-shirts with band logos or 80′s cartoons.

If that’s not enough dry aspersion for you, I also started a group blog with a bunch of my accomplices from The Nip Clique. It’s called Childhood Trauma, and we use it as an outlet to destroy a bunch of books that we loved as kids but now realize were totally fucked up and caused major personal issues in our development as functioning adults. I’ll be covering the Babysitters Club series along with Nicole, Lorraine is handling Sweet Valley High, Nips is taking over the Goosebumps books and Lily is reviewing The Boxcar Children. Of course, we’ll be stealing each others’ book series sometimes, too, because that’s just how we roll. We started this blog like three days ago and it already has a third of the followers that I do. I’m so proud. <3

The first posts are already up, and you can check them out here.

Speaking of my blogoverse compatriots, I recently got the chance to hang with a bunch of them when they visited New York. You WILL be hearing about that soon, I promise, as soon as I get off my ass and get motivated.

I’m also super excited for this month’s Movie Reviews. We’ve finally chosen a name for the ring, and not only that, but this month’s swap list is pretty much the greatest Round Table of Win ever created. We have a whole new list of recruits this month, as well some of the usual epic participants, and seriously, just wait until you guys see this shit- it will blow your fucking mind.

I’ve also finally gotten around to what I promised you all last month, which is an Aural Sex column written entirely by guest posters. To those of you that volunteered to chip in and haven’t yet done so, get me your shit, already. I won’t point fingers, because my mom taught me that pointing is rude, and my fingers are too tiny (but double-jointed, FYI).

For those of you that are interested, I’m looking for your three favorite bands and/or your most anticipated albums of the summer. The post will go up on Tuesday, May 10th; drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by the 5th or feel my ninja wrath.

So that’s what’s been going down in Nugslandria. I didn’t forget about you guys; I’ve just been seriously occupied with my own crap for once. I swear I’ll post more, since now I’ve actually been hit with some deadlines I actually care about.

And seriously guys, get me your shit.

I love you.