That Ain't Kosher

You guys are in for a very special edition of SMAC this month. I was actually going to skip the July movie reviews altogether, seeing as how I’ve been going through some incredibly overwhelming shit (more on that at a later date) and I’ve also been letting my Childhood Trauma posts pile up. I sent out an email that let everyone know that SMAC was a no-go for July, and we would pick up again next month.

And then. AND. THEN. I found out a few days ago that Season of the Witch had come out on DVD. I had waiting for this since the day it had been released in theaters and was met with a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Its final score was a 7%, which I had been warned by Sara Nips that it didn’t even deserve. I was intrigued. I must see this movie.

My genius plan was to have the July theme of SMAC be “Season of the Witch,” where we all watch the movie and review it for someone else’s blog. We already did a Nic Cage-themed ‘ring back in April, and it was so mentally damaging that I swore I would never watch another one of his movies ever again, but seriously, this one deserves a post of its very own.

Unfortunately for me, no one else was willing to take one for the team. I figured that at the very least, my girls in the Nip Clique would be the wingwomen- you know, the friends that hook up with the ugly guy so you can have quality sexytimes with the totally hot piece of ass you picked up at the bar, only to discover that he’s dumb as a fucking stump and/or secretly a leprechaun? Not that that’s ever happened to me. On either side. However, apparently this movie is so bad, so heinously awful that even my best bloggy friends were like, “hell, no!” and left me to suffer through the torturous twenty minutes that I got through. Thanks a lot. And you guys all claim love.

Basically, here’s what I got from the time that I spent (actually) watching Season of the Witch: There’s some chick that everyone thinks is a witch, and the other characters have to bring her to some village. That’s about it. We don’t learn her name, although I suspect that’s because even the fictional character was embarrassed to be part of this movie and chose not to reveal who she actually was. Ron Perlman was in this movie, BTW- Ron Perlman! I sincerely hope his performance in this pile of shit doesn’t scare you guys away from ever watching Sons of Anarchy or either of the Hellboy films, because both of those (especially SOA) are pretty substantial and if you haven’t experienced them yet, you should.

The costumes and props are pretty hilarious; the whole thing reminded me of when I used to play Oregon Trail. Honestly, I would have welcomed the dysentery at that point- it would have given me an excuse to get away from the movie.

Also, in the spirit of the NCH scale, what is UP with this dude’s hair? I absolutely give this one a category all its own. I don’t even… what the fuck.

At least go to a SuperCuts, in the name of all that doesn't suck!

In the twenty minutes (actually, 18.75) I spent wondering how Nicolas Cage ever earned an Academy Award, I really did attempt to make it to the end. As the creator of SMAC, I really hate to let you guys down, but I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I’ve finally found the one film that defeated me; the one that even I couldn’t get all the way through. I thought it couldn’t be done, ever. That is quite the accomplishment- congratulations, Season of the Witch.

I am officially mad at all of you for forcing me to go through this misery by myself. No more sexual favors (and don’t think you can get away with hiding in my treehouse, Lor- I’ve briefed him on the situation and he knows what’s up).

You guys owe me. Huge.

ZOMIGOD, you guys.

Not only is it the six-month anniversary of SMAC, but to celebrate, we have a fucking amazing list. For some reason, the June Edition is all Nip Clique or Nip Honorary, so just click through the links and don’t jerk it too hard.

PS- for those of you that are pissed that you didn’t get an email this month, note that on May’s edition I instigated a new rule in which I clearly stated that if you do not let me know, by email, that you’re in the ring, YOU’RE NOT INVITED. I seriously can’t keep track of everybody, so you need to help me out. I need to hear from you by the 20^th of the month, and the swap list goes out on the 21^st. That’s it. Done.

I love you.

This month I’m posting for Harley, who not only is incredibly hot but has the accent to go with it (SO jealous), so if you head over No Pressure No Diamonds you’ll get to read my assessment of why Aladdin has ruined my future in procreation.

Before you do that, though, scroll down to capture Sara Nips’ review of the eye-bleeder that is Space Jam. You lucky bitches get a double does of Nips and I since I posted for her last month, so…hooray?

BTW, Nips has now opened my eyes to a world of possibilities for baby names. If I have a son, I’m naming him Basketball Jones. Middle name Andy.

Andy and I originally set out to watch the movie Space Jam, so I could write my shitty movie review post. We rented the movie, popped some popcorn, and hit play.

We literally made it through less than a minute. (Special Nugs Commentary: Clearly, Nips neglected to partake in the “Two-Disc Special Edition” you see up above, because then they may have gotten through a good five minutes. Or maybe not.)

After the movie opened with the most amazing ballad of all time (“I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly), Andy mentioned that he owned the soundtrack to Space Jam and used to rock that shit on a regular basis. Obviously, my only reaction was to press pause and listen to the entire Space Jam soundtrack, beginning to end. And to be honest, the soundtrack to Space Jam is where the real magic is happening.

It was impossible to play “Basketball Jones” without 90s dancing all up in the living room and freaking out our dogs. Space Jam has the most perfect humping soundtrack I’ve ever heard. And I fully intend on testing this out in the near future.

The soundtrack to Space Jam is the perfect representation of 90s music. The songs on that soundtrack have beats that make you feel like you’re in a night club you can never escape, creepy ballads sung by creepy people, and songs that remind many of us of Friday night skating rink parties or kissing with braces.

Everyone knows the movie Space Jam is shittastic because we were all forced to watch it a millionty times in elementary school. (Seriously, is this the only movie my school had for rainy days?) But the hidden gem in all of this is truly the music that comes along with the movie. Do yourself a favor and have a listen.

P. S. I realize that I didn’t actually review the movie at all because I’m super lazy and distracted easily by dancing like an old person in my living room for hours at a time. Don’t hate.

P. P. S. I get to host my best bloggity friend on my blog for the movie review this month! I may have cried a few tears of joy when I found this out. Obviously I had to clean up the place, light some candles, put on my Space Jam soundtrack….. you get the idea. If my blog is rockin’, don’t come knockin’, yo. (Plus Lor (roxanneandlorraine.blogspot.com) actually did a movie review post like we were supposed to. Go figure.)

I am SUPER stoked for this month’s edition of the Horrible Movie Blogring because:

A) We’ve FINALLY chosen a name! After a lot of arguing, tears and a massive, nipply slumber party where vodka and water balloons made their requisite appearances, I give you the Shitty Movie Awareness Club, a.k.a SMAC. Special thanks to Coyote Tits for letting me basically cop her idea for myself (PS- it’s her birthday this week! Feel free to drop by her blog and leave lots of inappropriate pics. She likes ponies. Hairless ones).

2) Have you guys seen the list of participants this month? It makes my loins eyes wet. We have the regular psychos who actually take the time each month to sacrifice their dignity, and now, for the first time, I have almost the entire Nip Clique in on this. When I was preparing the swap list for May I almost cried tears of happiness. I am seriously THAT EXCITED.

Speaking of the swap list, every time the reviews go up I inevitably get complaints that I left people out. Well, guess what? When this ‘ring started in January I had four people, including myself. Now I have between 15-20 every month, and I can’t remember who goes where (hmmm… sounds sexy. Call me <3). No more assuming- if you want in, send me a goddamn email, or you’re not invited.

Squirrel) Not only do I get to post my assault on From Justin to Kelly for Sara Nips (SQUEEEE!!!!!), but this month I got to host Tsa for the first time ever!

Tsa is another one of my best bloggy friends because she was actually insane cool enough to show me around San Francisco when I visited a few months ago. If she weren’t so awesome I would have wondered if there were something wrong with her. There probably is- I mean, she did willingly hang out with me, more than once.

If this pairing gets you totally hot, BTW, you might also want to pick up the third issue of her zine, Be About It- it features a guest post from me about dreams. It’s only $2.50, plus shipping.

So, here’s Tsa’s contribution to SMAC: The Pop Stars Edition. Check out my review on Nips’ blog, and don’t forget to email me for next month! I’m at thataintkosher83@gmail.com, and emails are due by Friday, May 20th.

Pop stars, pop tarts, poop stars. When was the last time you saw a good movie starring an icon from popular music? Take a minute and think about it, I’ll wait. When I try to rack my brain over good pop star movies I come up with that one Billie Holiday movie with Diana Ross playing the blues legend, Lady Sings The Blues, and the Selena film with Jennifer Lopez, but after that I’m at a loss. Maybe those two movies were good because the roles the singers played weren’t all that different from their day jobs. Remember that Mariah Carey movie? I blanked it out from my memory. I’m just trying to say that pop starlets aren’t usually amazing actors, and the movies they chose to take part in usually suck the big one– and that’s not saying they suck in a horrendously hilarious way but in a blinding myself by gouging my eyes out with a spork kind of way. All of that aside, what if I told you that a movie existed that is amazingly bad as it is superbly thrilling and features not only pop stars but rappers? Lots of them. Do I have your attention?

State Property 2 is the movie I was hinting at. Written, directed and starring Dame Dash, co-founder of Roc-A-Fella Records, which explains a lot as SP2 is kind of like a big wank-off to Dame’s importance in the music and crime world. If you’ve never heard of him before but you know of Roc-A-Fella Records (the other co-founder is Jay-Z), don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m here to hold your hand for the rest of the post if you need me to. Kidding. No one cares or ever talks about Dame Dashbecause he’s an asshole as Kanye West will tell you. Getting back on track, SP2 is a sequel but watching the first State Property is not a requirement, and actually I would warn against it. The sequel is a vast improvement over the original; it’s funny and silly where the first film took itself too seriously and fell very flat in its delivery. The first time I viewed SP2 my mom happened to
be in the living room with me reading through a magazine, but I kept catching her looking up to watch the movie. She even laughed a few times. SP2 is mom-approved, if that tells you anything.

Aside from Dame and his ego (both prominent figures) the movie also stars Beanie Sigel, Freeway and Omillio Sparks, three Philly rappers, as well as Mariah Carey (as a high-maintenance girlfriend), Ol’ Dirty Bastard of the Wu-Tang Clan (as a snot-nosed burger flipper), and a slew of other hip-hoppers that I could name but I’ll spare you. The story-line is incredibly weak and pretty much non-existent. Have you ever listened to a skit on a hip-hop album? If you answered yes, good. If not, go download some hip-hop albums before you continue reading this. The movie is basically a series of set-ups for silly skits, a la “Deeez Nuuuts” and “The Doctor’s Office” on Dr. Dre’s game-changing album The Chronic. Some of the skits in SP2 are really funny, spit-take funny at times, but even the most hilarious selection of skits can feel empty when there isn’t a plot to carry them.

To end this on a positive note, State Property 2 is the kind of movie that you watch when you have a bunch of friends over and you want to talk and have fun but also have something ridiculous going on in the background. According to iMDB the word “fuck” is used in the film about 270 times, so that’s a good drinking game right there.

So yesterday I got this interesting email from my friend who I’ll refer to as “Bri-Winning.” Bri-Winning and I have known each other for a while and he likes to send me comments on my writing, even though he’s not actually a writer.

The email had the usual shit in it- “what’s up, how you been, you’ve dropped off the planet so call me bitch etc. etc.” Little does he know that Jewish girls are schooled in guilt trips and thus this sort of shit never works on me, so whatever.

Anyway, Bri-Winning totally redeemed himself because he is actually a regular disciple of That Ain’t Kosher and does leave the occasional compliment, which, as we all know, is definitely the way to this girl’s loins heart. Apparently what he really wanted to let me know was that the review I just wrote of Nicolas Cage’s Ghost Rider was the most ingenious piece of prose he’d ever laid eyes on and he was curious as to how one might partake in the Horrible Movie Review extravanganza.

OK, so some of that was completely fabricated. Basically he just wanted to jump on the Nugs Train and analyze a shitty Nic Cage film with the rest of us. Since he’s not a blogger, he can’t technically participate in the ‘ring, but he is sarcastic and hilarious, so I told him to send me what he came up with and I’d post it here. You know, ’cause I’m charitable and such.

So here’s my partner in snark of many years, Bri-Winning, with his review of The Rock. Feel free to show him your love. With comments, yo! You little pervs.

The Rock

Whereas the typical action movie involves some version of The Rock, such as Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel, Jean Claude Van Damme…you get the picture, one of my all-time favorites is actually called The Rock. Yes, it’s our good friend Nicholas Cage again with his co-star Ed Harris and the unshakably awesome Sean Connery (with the exception of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). And of course, thrown in for good measure and no particular reason, Candyman himself (ring a bell horror movie fans?) plays arguably the baddest guy of them all (my favorite line: “I’m not a soldier, Major. The day we took hostages we became mercenaries. And mercenaries get paid. I want my FUCKING money!”).

You may notice I said “arguably” the baddest guy…because guess what? It’s a movie with a moral goddamn conundrum! Ed Harris plays a former US black ops officer whose troops died without recognition for their actions. He holds the entirety of San Francisco hostage with biological weapons held at Alcatraz to extort federal funds to pay off the families of the deceased. Well noble intentions often lead to ignoble consequences. The mercenaries steal all the rockets and kill everyone in San Francisco…oh wait that was a dream I had. Ahem…what I meant to say is that our heroes swoop in to save the day: Stanley Goodspeed (Cage), a chemical weapons specialist who was never meant to be in the field, and John Mason (Connery), a former secret service agent that was the only person to ever escape Alcatraz. Well, since Mr. Mason has a secret underwater passage into Alcatraz full of flame jets and everything short of an invisible bridge and latin stepping stones (yes, I am making reference to Connery’s role in The Last Crusade), everything will be fine! Good thing the team does not see their impending doom coming, because that gives us plenty of irony to ponder in the wee hours. After Cage’s and Connery’s secret team tries to take out Harris’ troops and all die (except of course our brave heroes), it’s up to the odd couple (James Bond and our National Treasure) to save the day.

The rest of the movie is great, just lots of action scenes as they defuse every bomb imaginable in some pretty unique and boss (yes I said boss) scenes. Eventually everyone is saved and Connery and Cage bond intensely just short of a shower scene.

Editor’s Note: Did anyone else just go to a frightening mental place?

One of my favorite movies of the 1990s. At least watch the first scene to see someone shrivel up from being exposed to a make-believe biological weapon…

Hey Guys, and welcome to this month’s installment of Horrible Movie Reviews. I swear I don’t rig these, even though this time I get to host Nyx, and you can also find my skewering of Ghost Rider on Nicole’s blog, Sweeney Says. I just get cool people to participate in my shit, yo.

If you want to join in the fun for May, shoot me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by April 20th. The theme is Pop Star Month, and Mandy Moore is making her debut with us. She promises to massacre that bitch who keeps trying to shove her out of the spotlight.

Anyway, here’s Nyx being all types of awesome. Enjoy:

Hey Y’all, welcome to another round of movie reviews. This month’s reviews are based on Nicholas Cage movies. Thanks to the marvelous Nugs for setting this up – I love you girlie! Seriously, she’s awesome. If you like what you see, be sure to check out my blog at Notions.

Oh, I’m going to have fun with this.

So, after much deliberation (and procrastination), I picked Con Air as my movie of choice. I must admit, I kind of like it, so I’m not all that sure if this review is going to jive with the whole ‘bad movie’ scene or not, but I’ll just play it by ear and we’ll see how it goes.

So here’s how the story goes: Cameron Poe (seriously, could the writers have picked a more romantic name? It sounds like it’s straight out of a harlequin romance novel) gets into a bar fight with some asshole who was messing with his wife, and winds up killing the asshole. Turns out killing a dude is a big fucking deal, especially since Mr. Poe was an Army Ranger.

Whoopsies.

So Poe goes to jail, flash forward eight years. He’s being paroled. Yay for him, he finally gets to see his daughter that he’s never met. The writers must REAAALLLY want you to like this guy. I mean, heck. He’s southern, supposed to be good looking (guess they fucked the casting up), has a baby girl and a wife that he loves to pieces – enough to go without seeing his daughter for eight years, because he didn’t want her to see him in jail. Does he have any faults? Doubtful.

So anyways, our boy Poe is going to be flown back to his home in Alabama on a plane, where he’ll be released upon landing. Several other prisoners are going to flying as well, in order to be transferred to a new Supermax prison, including one Mr. Cyrus the Virus (played by the excellent John Malkovich). Who, of course, prompts a takeover of the plane (because no one saw that coming).

Insert a dumb authority figure here. Said dumb authority figure would be Duncan Malloy. He’s blustery, has a penchant for corvettes (ok, can’t fault him there), and is an absolute ass.

Really. These Hollywood writers need to start creating characters with more than one dimension.

There’s one other character that I’ve neglected to tell you all about, and that is the wonderful Mr. Vince Larkin. He’s the dude in charge of the plane, and it is *painfully* obvious that Malloy is his foil. He’s quiet and even tempered and totally rational.

Anyway, to make matters short, Cyrus and a few other motley members of the plane take over. They’re planning on running away or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying much attention during this part of the movie. They manage to dupe the authorities several times during this schtick, and eventually they wind up landing at an abandoned airfield. They did, however, manage to overshoot the runway, and so the plane winds up grounded. I dunno how the hell they were supposed to do it, but Cyrus orders them to dig the plane out (I mean, it’s not like there’s shovels lying around).

Poe is, of course, honorable to the end. After a lot of action sequences, blundering from the authorities, Malloy acting like a general jackass and Larkin being the sole redeemer of the authorities, the plane finally gets in the air. Cyrus, by this point in time, now knows that Poe’s a traitor. He intends on killing Poe, but before he can do that Malloy has his pilots open fire on the plane – disabling one of its engines.

Because of Malloy’s stupidity, the plane now has to land short of where it was going to (which was a conveniently located airstrip nearby). So, of course the next logical place for the plane to land was The Strip.

Yea. Genius.

Plane lands, Cyrus escapes. Poe and Larkin give chase. Poe catches up with Cyrus, Cyrus dies, Poe is reunited with his wife and daughter.

Happily ever fucking after.

My opinion of the movie? Campy. Flat. Not a single character had any depth to them whatsoever.

Although, I will admit, I do own the movie. For those nights when I just don’t feel like thinking.

It’s that time of the month again (I wonder how many of us started our posts off that way. Gross.)- Horrible Movie Reviews! I still can’t come up with a title for the ‘ring, so I’m going to keep experimenting with different ones until I get enough positive feedback to pick a permanent. This one came from Tsa, who I forced to join in this month. Diplomacy FTW!

This time around I get to participate in the sexiest blog sandwich ever. Not only was I lucky enough to post for Risha (rhymes with Dish…ah!), but I get the honor of hosting Shelly. I swear to God I don’t rig these things.

Anyway, the Shellator is totally adorable, even when reviewing shitty sports movies. I swear she’s a secret dominatrix. It’s always the quiet ones.

I love you, Shelly. I raise my nipple tassels in your honor.

And now, I give you the best and most accurate portrayal of Air Bud ever. Take it, Shells. Take it hard.

Hey, Guys.

Welcome to this month’s installment of the Horrible Movie Review Blogring. I never took the time to think of a creative title, and honestly, I’m way too lazy. If anyone has any ideas, I’ll accept them, no credit given questions asked.

This month, we all reviewed shitty romantic comedies in honor of Valentine’s Day. The theme changes every time we attempt this, so if you want to be part of this innovative conception, drop me an email- thataintkosher83@gmail.com. The swap list goes up on the 21st of the month and the postings go up on the 2nd.

I created this blogring so I would have an excuse to review the epic Academy Award winner Thankskilling (and not look like a total psycho) after discovering it on McGriddle Pant’s blog, and this month, I’m all energized and shit to have her join in the merriment and post her rom-com review for me. In fact, it’s almost arousing. Read on; she’s hilarious. And when you’re done, why don’t you meander on over to Coyote Rose’s place and witness me destroy Valentine’s Day? I’m still recovering.

When charged with the daunting task of reviewing a RomCom for my super-fun-number-one blog friend Nugs @ That Ain’t Kosher, I was super excited! So many ridiculously unrealistic, boring and all around craptastic movies to choose from! Which, in itself, was a bit overwhelming. I mean, honestly almost any Katherine Heigl movie would be a prime choice. Then I made the mistake of Googling “shitty romantic comedies” and so many cinematic delights popped up. But the worst part was that most of the top shitty pics were movies I actually liked. Oh dear.

One movie in particular that I pretty much hated from the get-go was How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I mean, I could write a book on how to lose a guy in 10 seconds, who needs ten whole days? So I decided to watch yet another Kate Hudson/McConauhey debacle called Fools Gold.

The synopsis according to Rotten Tomatoes is thus: A new clue to the whereabouts of a lost treasure rekindles a married couple’s sense of adventure — and their estranged romance.

Talk about a recipe for comic GOLD!!

First off, there’s nothing a girl likes better than to see a shirtless, sexy, tan man in the first .00045 seconds of a movie (much like men like to see boobies – see: Thankskilling). HOWEVER, seeing Mr. McConauhey shirtless is about as new and exciting as watching the Kardashians hock diet pills (or shoes… or clothes… or booze…) Its tired. And as for the two of them? I felt like I was watching an episode of Jersey Shore, as the two stars overly tanned, overly taught skin was sickening.

Excuse me... I just threw up a little in my mouth.

You’d think that with the premise of multiple underwater fights, high-speed shenanigans involving motor scooters, Jet Skis and prop planes, that this would be a fun-filled Actromedy (Action-Romantic-Comedy; yes, I’m allowed to make up words.) However the two leads, who were mildly more electrifying in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, appear to be failing a class in high school chemistry. Even the villains are too goofy to provide any real sense of danger.

Look, Nancy Drew... A CLUE!

I’ll be honest, I took a phone call, went to the bathroom without pausing the flick, refilled my beer glass multiple (five) times and even dozed off once. So maybe my opinion is moot.

Will Finn and Tess find the treasure before the bad guys? Will they put aside their differences and rekindle their love?

Yes to both questions!

No, I haven’t spoiled anything, by the way. But perhaps I’ve saved you some trouble.

–McGriddle Pants

So here’s a shocker: I get jealous sometimes. I know, what could I possibly have to be envious of?

I totally want to join in on this Karaoke Blogring of Death that all my friends are doing every month, but I don’t have a webcam, so I decided to make my own swap. I asked a bunch of my fellow Bloggi (I’m totally going to pimp that word, yo) to pick a terrible movie of their choice and review it, then stick said review on another unsuspecting blogger’s page. First up for 2011: Shitty Horror Films.

I got to post for the sex-tastic Christina, and you can read my post on the Citizen Kane of direct-to-DVD’s Thankskilling here. Before you do that, read Brian, from phonon505, right under me (RAWR). This was supposed to go up yesterday, and it is TOTALLY his fault that this is late, but he’s forgiven because he promised me pie later on (Double RAWR). Whatever. Just enjoy.

Oh, PS- Brian is really smart and there’s lots of engineer-y stuff in here, so my head kind of exploded. I’m SO going to check out this movie.

Hey all, so my movie review of the month is of this awesome move entitled “Primer” , which turns out is nottt exactly a horror movie. But it is a crazy movie, and everybody loves le crazy. But hey, it was between that and Twelve Monkeys, and who wants to talk about the possible destruction of the human race via biological warfare?

This movie opens up with a bunch of guys sitting around a table trying to formulate the next get-rich-quick scheme. These are pretty smart dudes, too, the kind of people that mere mortals would call an engineer.

WOOT Engineers!

They want to solve some of the worlds major problems, but to make a long story short, they build a really shitty time / aging machine. It’s basically a box with some awesome pseudophysics going on, and inside of this box an object experiences time at something like 4000 times the normal rate, so you can put a piece of apple pie in here for 5 minutes, when it comes out it’s going to be disgusting and nasty, so nasty that I really just can’t let you have a piece, Nugs. You’d get sick! But whats even cooler about this box is that is makes absolutely no sense – because een though you would mega-age if you got in here, if you get out at specific intervals of time, you don’t age at all and instead go back in time to the time when the machine first got turned on. Essentially, they realize that their machine ages things really fast, and say “Hey, we can use this to go back in time” and it works. I just want to re-iterate, it’s a really crappy time machine, because if you crawl out of bed at the wrong moment, you age hundreds or thousands or days instead of going back in time 4 hours.

One of the rules in time travel is that you never go back to visit yourself. Well, this machine can only go back in time to the day it was last turned on, so that doesn’t really work here. These dudes start going back in time a few hours, knowing what happens in the future (aka stock market going up) but what’s really creepy is that there are “doubles” of them. This is where things get really, really strange, and your head explodes.

Plot Flow-Chart, Courtsey Randall Munroe

It turns out that because you get stuck in an endless loop of time travel you end up with lots of time to make spare time machines, and that’s really important because you can only use a machine to go back in time when it was first flipped on. So these dudes keep whipping out these time machines that they have turned on earlier and earlier, and getting attacked their doubles. But the really, really sad thing, is that once you decide to travel back in time, you’re sort of, well, dead, and it’s actually a duplicate person who appears back in time. Like I said, this is by far the biggest piece of junk time machine ever invented. But the movie is actually pretty good if you can prevent your head from exploding int he last third of it. Lots of emotional crap with the doubling, fun pseudo scientific talk, a little Wall Street. On my scale of movie ratings, this move is “The Best”.

Cheers!

-Brian M

OK, so I understood like seven words in this review, but I’m a gigantic nerd, so I still find time travel talk to be pretty hot. Call me, Brian. <3

If you guys want to participate next month when we do crappy rom-coms in honor of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by January 20th. I may do a vlog because apparently that’s what you guys voted on last month, so I don’t really have a choice.