That Ain't Kosher

Back in March, I started a bet with Johnny Sacks over at Living With Balls as to the outcome of the 2011 Major League Baseball season. It began as a relatively harmless lark, but then I realized that the loser has to keep their most hated team’s logo on their blog for a whole month. I’m a Mets fan and he’s a Yankees fan, so this is sure to be a very painful lesson in dignity.

Here’s how the points system works, to be determined at the end of the season:

1 point for each division/wild card winner
1 point for each Rookie of the Year
1 point for each most/least improved
2 points for each League Division series
3 points for each League Championship series
5 points for the World Series winner

You can get a good look at each of our picks here.

Now that the All-Star Game is over (BTW, KICK-ASS, NATIONAL LEAGUE! Here’s me doing my happy dance. Pretend you didn’t see that) and the season is half underway, I decided to revisit our choices and give you guys a heads-up on who’s going to be forced to put the Mets insignia on his blog (HAHA!). Of course there’s no final verdict on all the categories, since the season is only partially over, but here’s how we’re both doing so far:

DIVISION WINNERS:

AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST


We both chose the Boston Red Sox.

They have a fucking NASTY roster with a sick rotation and a healthy line-up, and although we both chose them to go to the World Series this year (against my most hated adversaries, the Stupid Phillies), Sacks actually predicted a win.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Looks like we were right on the mark. The Sox are currently first in the AL East, with a 55-35 record, sitting a game above the Yankees. They currently have a six-game winning streak and their next match is at Tampa, who hold the third-place spot in the division.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL

SACKS: Minnesota Twins

Due to an excellent management system and a new stadium, which led to a bigger payroll, Sacks went with the Twins. While this is a substantial choice, the AL Central is usually a pretty tight race between Minnesota, Detroit and Chicago, so we’ll see where this goes. Joe Nathan and Justin Morneau were injured last season, but were expected to come back this year at the head of their game.

NUGS: Detroit Tigers

Choosing the leader of the AL Central is always a toss-up for me, but this year I decided to pick Detroit. Jim Leyland has proven to be one of the top managers in the business, and now, with one final year on his contract, he made some key signings in the off-season with the additions of Victor Martinez and Joaquin Benoit. He also made the outstanding decision to keep top performers Magglio Ordonez, Brandon Inge and Jhonny Peralta.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Well.

Not only are the Tigers in the top spot, but they’re seriously dominating over Minnesota.

Detroit currently holds a 49-43 record, with the Indians (seriously???) half a game back in the number two position. Their next game is at home against the White Sox, who were ALMOST my pick this year.

The Twins have next to no shot at a title this year, with a 41-48 record. They’re not exactly chasing the Tigers, as they’re 6.5 games out of the race. Yeah, good luck with that.

AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST

Due to their American League pennant in 2010, Sacks and I both went for the Texas Rangers.

None of the other teams in this division did anything in the off-season to make us believe they even wanted to put up a fight, and the Rangers’ solid pitching is still a powerhouse, even with Cliff Lee eventually going to the Phillies (gross- more on them later).

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

This was easy to predict- Texas’ 51-41 record has put them atop the AL West, one game ahead of the Angels. Their seven-game winning streak is currently the highest in Major League Baseball, and their next game is an away against Seattle, who is 7.5 games out of first place.

WILD CARD

Sick minds think alike- both Sacks and I picked the Yankees.

Come on, it’s the Yankees. They’re the Hugh Hefner of professional sports. Instead of trying to fix whatever glitches might come their way, they just go out and buy some more 19-year-olds.

Besides, if they’re having a shitty year, they’ll just pay someone to get them into the playoffs.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Please. Like you guys had to ask.

Currently a game behind the Sox with a record of 53-35, the Yankees are clinging to that Wild Card spot. Their next game is an away against Toronto, who’s 10 games behind them. So, yeah.

NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST

Unfortunately for me, this one was probably the most apparent, and also the most painful, in all of Major League Baseball. Sacks and I both predicted that the Stupid Phillies would not only take the division, but also win the National League pennant. In my case, I’m also disgusted by the fact that they’ll probably win everything. Douchebags.

When Sacks emailed me his choices months ago he did express sympathy for both of us by stating that we each went with our most hated teams as the World Series winners. This will most likely be our consolation prize when whoever loses has to put either the Mets or Yankees logo on their site. 

The Phillies’ lineup is ridiculous, and their rotation is most likely considered illegal in 37 states. This is why I loathe them with the speed and passion of a thousand fastballs to the crotch. When the pitcher you’re the most concerned about is Joe Blanton, who was still basically unstoppable until he was recently placed on the 15-day DL, all the other teams in your division should probably just go home.

I hate you, Stupid Phillies. Every year you make me miserable and depressed.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

I really didn’t want to check on this, because I knew it would break my heart. I figured that the Phillies would be in first place, by like, a lot, and I also realized that by checking the standings for the NL East, I would also see how shitty the Mets were doing (read: everyone close to me is hiding the Drano).

Not only are the 57-34 Stupid Phillies 3.5 games ahead of the second place Braves, but none of the other teams in the NL East even have a prayer. They all suck ferociously, but at least my beloved Mets are in third place. I’ll ignore the fact that they have 7.5 games to go before they even catch up to Atlanta (they won’t). It also really doesn’t help that the Phillies play their next game against the Mets. It’s at ShittyField, but let’s be honest; that doesn’t make a difference.

At least the Marlins are terrible this year. Sorry, Lor. #butnotreally.

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL

SACKS: Milwaukee Brewers

I almost went with Milwaukee, but I wasn’t positive that this was their year. Sacks made a logical decision based on the Brewers’ addition of ace Zack Greinke and a lineup that includes Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun.

NUGS: Cincinnati Reds

The Reds seemingly came out of nowhere with an outstanding young offense and amazing growth potential. Scott Rolen is one of the best third basemen in baseball if he’s not injured, and the Cardinals were no longer the threat they used to be. It was a tough call between them and Milwaukee, but I had to go with the Reds based on 2010′s accomplishments.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

This one is close. The Brewers are currently in first place; however they’re tied with the St. Louis Cardinals with a 49-43 record. The Reds are currently in third place with a record of 45-47. Sacks is in the lead here, but I could easily topple this one. The season’s only half over!

BTW, their next games are against each other, in Cincinnati. So we’ll see who prevails.

NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST

Due to their status as World Series Winners, Sacks and I both got creative and picked the San Francisco Giants. 

Not only are they the reigning MLB champs, but their rotation is nausea-inducing (Tim Lincecum and Madison Bumgarner’s pitching is ridiculous) and their lineup isn’t shabby either.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Like anyone had any doubt? The Arizona Diamondbacks are the only NL West team that even come close to going after the Giants, sitting three games behind their 52-40 record. Their next game is against the last-place Padres, who are 12 games out. It’s in San Diego; like that matters.

WILD CARD

SACKS: Colorado Rockies

Sacks chose the Rockies for the coveted Wild Card slot based on their off-season acquisition of Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez, not to mention the monster arm of Ubaldo Jimenez. The Rockies have been showing major improvements since their slump and were expected to shake up the NL West.


NUGS: Milwaukee Brewers

I chose the Brewers based on the difficult choice I had to make between this team and the Reds for the top spot in the NL Central. I figured whichever team didn’t lead that division would be the Wild Card in the National League. This division is in an incredibly close race for first place every year.

The Brewers have the distinction of being one of the only teams in baseball where hitting trumps pitching.  While they did shell out for ace Zack Greinke, Milwaukee can also boast a lineup of Prince Fielder, who is absolutely proof of genetics, Corey Hart and Ryan Braun.

Their next game, coincidentally, is at home vs. Colorado. This should be interesting.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Neither one of us got this one, actually- the NL Wild Card, so far, is the Atlanta Braves.

Great- I hate them, too. Not as much as the Stupid Phillies, of course, but I still reserve a shelf of resentment for them in my heart.

However, when tallying up the results, let it be noted that the Brewers are five games ahead of the Rockies and therefore closer to the Wild Card slot. So again, the victory goes to me. Cue Nelson Muntz laugh.

Of course, this is subject to change in November, after the World Series is over and the MVP’s are announced. The rest of the categories- and your winner and loser- will all be determined after the season is done. I just wanted to give you guys a clear update on the fact that so far, victory is mine.

I haven’t done Bloggerstock in a while, but I felt like I should contribute something because Alex told me in chat that it was the one year anniversary this month, and hey, I like commemorating shit. My Aural Sex column turns one this month, as well, and SMAC is celebrating its half-year birthday (you can do that, because I say so). There’s a lot going on in June, people. Pump up the valium.

Anyway, the last time I did Bloggerstock I got paired up with Mandy Moore and Molls so it would be pretty impossible for them to match that one. (BTW, Mollie has been going through some pretty rough shit as of late, so if all of you could keep her in your heart, that would be really awesome.)

HAHAHA. Wrong. For the Bloggerstock Anniversary Edition, I get to post for K. Syrah while I host Risha on That Ain’t Kosher! It’s like, are you kidding me??? Boner parade! (PS, Rish- I should have guessed that you liked it on top.)

You can read my contribution to this month’s Bloggerstock Edition on Shoes Never Worn, but before you do that, dive into this helping of sexy right here. Picture Risha saying this stuff with her hot accent.

Yeah.

Hi, I’m Risha and I blog on you can read me anything, which is a collection of rants, moaning and general nonsense. Which also sums up my Bloggerstock post for this month! I’m hosting Nyx this month; so do go read her post, which is full of awesome. Between Nyx & Nugs, I’m in a fantastic BlogSandwich!

The theme for this month is “Before there were blogs” to commemorate Bloggerstock’s first anniversary! We’re meant to dig up our old diaries and journals and post a piece from our former, non-blogging selves. Unfortunately, I don’t have any of my truly awful “I’m sixteen and I hate the world” journals with me here. I do, however, have my “I’m 21 and I’m travelling and I am such a pretentious little shit” journals.

I am truly sorry for putting you through this.

27.09.07

Traveling always makes me long for another few hours of traveling time, to discover beautiful new cities and, in some way, make them mine. On trains or side roads, I hear so many accents and languages, people who seem like they had interesting things to say or the kind of energy that would envelop you in laughter and fun.

I wish I could have known them.

An Autumn Window In Den Haag

Perhaps in a parallel universe, we shall have been good friends or perhaps even lovers.

But, for now, a surreptitious glance shall do as we go about our lives, conversations bumping against each other and your voice cutting through all the chatter & train sounds that overwhelm every journey.

Your voice is as distinct as your ice blue eyes.

This is every French cliche, ever. Versailles, France.

I am listening in to conversations I don’t understand in languages I don’t know. There is something that is both humbling and liberating about being unsure of whether you can communicate even if you wanted to. My mumbled “Vielen Dank” ,“Merci beaucoup”, “Dank je wel” , “Gracias”, “Köszönöm” at every held-open door and pushed-ticket window, is jumbled up in English pronunciation and terrible language skills. Yet, people smile with broad grins and nods at every failed attempt to not butcher a language alien to my tongue.

On trains to somewhere else, a backpack overhead and feet aching, I play “Guess the language” in my head.

I will never know if I was right and if I won.

Brugge really is a fucking fairytale town. Brugge, Belgium.

I have a camera full of monuments. Places seen on films that broke my heart or made me sing, backdrops to famous scenes and dancing montages.

And now, they are suffused with a knowing, a touch, and a breath of all that it has seen and held. A shared space, a known story.

The Eiffel Tower, Paris, France

I walk around these spaces on gloomy afternoons, the sky overcast and threatening. People stop to ask if I need help with my map and I am stunned by the humanity that surrounds me.

People love their cities, their towns, and little foreign girls who look lost.

I was drenched in a downpour, watched the rubbish bin tumble down a cobbled street and hail smash into windscreens.

Only stepping into a new place exhilarates me more.

The bridge over the Danube, connecting the cities of Buda and Pest. Budapest, Hungary.

I am SUPER stoked for this month’s edition of the Horrible Movie Blogring because:

A) We’ve FINALLY chosen a name! After a lot of arguing, tears and a massive, nipply slumber party where vodka and water balloons made their requisite appearances, I give you the Shitty Movie Awareness Club, a.k.a SMAC. Special thanks to Coyote Tits for letting me basically cop her idea for myself (PS- it’s her birthday this week! Feel free to drop by her blog and leave lots of inappropriate pics. She likes ponies. Hairless ones).

2) Have you guys seen the list of participants this month? It makes my loins eyes wet. We have the regular psychos who actually take the time each month to sacrifice their dignity, and now, for the first time, I have almost the entire Nip Clique in on this. When I was preparing the swap list for May I almost cried tears of happiness. I am seriously THAT EXCITED.

Speaking of the swap list, every time the reviews go up I inevitably get complaints that I left people out. Well, guess what? When this ‘ring started in January I had four people, including myself. Now I have between 15-20 every month, and I can’t remember who goes where (hmmm… sounds sexy. Call me <3). No more assuming- if you want in, send me a goddamn email, or you’re not invited.

Squirrel) Not only do I get to post my assault on From Justin to Kelly for Sara Nips (SQUEEEE!!!!!), but this month I got to host Tsa for the first time ever!

Tsa is another one of my best bloggy friends because she was actually insane cool enough to show me around San Francisco when I visited a few months ago. If she weren’t so awesome I would have wondered if there were something wrong with her. There probably is- I mean, she did willingly hang out with me, more than once.

If this pairing gets you totally hot, BTW, you might also want to pick up the third issue of her zine, Be About It- it features a guest post from me about dreams. It’s only $2.50, plus shipping.

So, here’s Tsa’s contribution to SMAC: The Pop Stars Edition. Check out my review on Nips’ blog, and don’t forget to email me for next month! I’m at thataintkosher83@gmail.com, and emails are due by Friday, May 20th.

Pop stars, pop tarts, poop stars. When was the last time you saw a good movie starring an icon from popular music? Take a minute and think about it, I’ll wait. When I try to rack my brain over good pop star movies I come up with that one Billie Holiday movie with Diana Ross playing the blues legend, Lady Sings The Blues, and the Selena film with Jennifer Lopez, but after that I’m at a loss. Maybe those two movies were good because the roles the singers played weren’t all that different from their day jobs. Remember that Mariah Carey movie? I blanked it out from my memory. I’m just trying to say that pop starlets aren’t usually amazing actors, and the movies they chose to take part in usually suck the big one– and that’s not saying they suck in a horrendously hilarious way but in a blinding myself by gouging my eyes out with a spork kind of way. All of that aside, what if I told you that a movie existed that is amazingly bad as it is superbly thrilling and features not only pop stars but rappers? Lots of them. Do I have your attention?

State Property 2 is the movie I was hinting at. Written, directed and starring Dame Dash, co-founder of Roc-A-Fella Records, which explains a lot as SP2 is kind of like a big wank-off to Dame’s importance in the music and crime world. If you’ve never heard of him before but you know of Roc-A-Fella Records (the other co-founder is Jay-Z), don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m here to hold your hand for the rest of the post if you need me to. Kidding. No one cares or ever talks about Dame Dashbecause he’s an asshole as Kanye West will tell you. Getting back on track, SP2 is a sequel but watching the first State Property is not a requirement, and actually I would warn against it. The sequel is a vast improvement over the original; it’s funny and silly where the first film took itself too seriously and fell very flat in its delivery. The first time I viewed SP2 my mom happened to
be in the living room with me reading through a magazine, but I kept catching her looking up to watch the movie. She even laughed a few times. SP2 is mom-approved, if that tells you anything.

Aside from Dame and his ego (both prominent figures) the movie also stars Beanie Sigel, Freeway and Omillio Sparks, three Philly rappers, as well as Mariah Carey (as a high-maintenance girlfriend), Ol’ Dirty Bastard of the Wu-Tang Clan (as a snot-nosed burger flipper), and a slew of other hip-hoppers that I could name but I’ll spare you. The story-line is incredibly weak and pretty much non-existent. Have you ever listened to a skit on a hip-hop album? If you answered yes, good. If not, go download some hip-hop albums before you continue reading this. The movie is basically a series of set-ups for silly skits, a la “Deeez Nuuuts” and “The Doctor’s Office” on Dr. Dre’s game-changing album The Chronic. Some of the skits in SP2 are really funny, spit-take funny at times, but even the most hilarious selection of skits can feel empty when there isn’t a plot to carry them.

To end this on a positive note, State Property 2 is the kind of movie that you watch when you have a bunch of friends over and you want to talk and have fun but also have something ridiculous going on in the background. According to iMDB the word “fuck” is used in the film about 270 times, so that’s a good drinking game right there.

I just realized I haven’t put up a post in over two weeks. Instead of beating myself up for being inadequate, I actually feel pretty accomplished because I’ve been getting a ton of shit done.

April 2011 was like the month of Ninja Skills for me. I picked up a bunch of freelance projects and I’ve been working 14-hour days while I impress everybody with my over-achievement and glorious ability to multi-task. Not only that, but I may have- MAY HAVE- joined the ranks of the employed. I only say “may have” because even though the job would enable me to live in New York (excitement plus!!!), my boss is based in LA, and so far everything I’ve been promised out there has turned out to be a complete fucking lie. So we’ll see. This job starts Monday, and I’ll keep you guys updated on that (you know it).

I’ve also joined forces with some of my best and most favorite bloggy friends and am now co-authoring two more monumental pieces of literature:

Risha and I started the anti-fashion movement Whut Is Fashun?, where anyone can go to bitch about why all of a sudden there’s a fucking law against wearing sweats to the grocery store. I’ve never done a so-called “fashion” blog before, but “anti-anything” is OK with me. I mean, please. My entire uniform is three pairs of jeans on rotation and t-shirts with band logos or 80′s cartoons.

If that’s not enough dry aspersion for you, I also started a group blog with a bunch of my accomplices from The Nip Clique. It’s called Childhood Trauma, and we use it as an outlet to destroy a bunch of books that we loved as kids but now realize were totally fucked up and caused major personal issues in our development as functioning adults. I’ll be covering the Babysitters Club series along with Nicole, Lorraine is handling Sweet Valley High, Nips is taking over the Goosebumps books and Lily is reviewing The Boxcar Children. Of course, we’ll be stealing each others’ book series sometimes, too, because that’s just how we roll. We started this blog like three days ago and it already has a third of the followers that I do. I’m so proud. <3

The first posts are already up, and you can check them out here.

Speaking of my blogoverse compatriots, I recently got the chance to hang with a bunch of them when they visited New York. You WILL be hearing about that soon, I promise, as soon as I get off my ass and get motivated.

I’m also super excited for this month’s Movie Reviews. We’ve finally chosen a name for the ring, and not only that, but this month’s swap list is pretty much the greatest Round Table of Win ever created. We have a whole new list of recruits this month, as well some of the usual epic participants, and seriously, just wait until you guys see this shit- it will blow your fucking mind.

I’ve also finally gotten around to what I promised you all last month, which is an Aural Sex column written entirely by guest posters. To those of you that volunteered to chip in and haven’t yet done so, get me your shit, already. I won’t point fingers, because my mom taught me that pointing is rude, and my fingers are too tiny (but double-jointed, FYI).

For those of you that are interested, I’m looking for your three favorite bands and/or your most anticipated albums of the summer. The post will go up on Tuesday, May 10th; drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by the 5th or feel my ninja wrath.

So that’s what’s been going down in Nugslandria. I didn’t forget about you guys; I’ve just been seriously occupied with my own crap for once. I swear I’ll post more, since now I’ve actually been hit with some deadlines I actually care about.

And seriously guys, get me your shit.

I love you.

I know I promised you guys a collabo this month, but there’s been a slight (read: huge) change because that idea kind of didn’t work out.

A) As it happens, KROD videos went up today too, and I know a lot of you are pumped about that. I actually would have done it as well, but I had to stick to my own deadline. Sorry! Next month, for sure. <3

2) Only two of you got your posts to me on time. What the fuck, guys? I gave you what, like, a month? I have all these cookies on the table and none of you get ANY OF THEM.

Cat) The second Tuesday of April happens to be the day Foo Fighters drop their seventh LP, Wasting Light. For the three of you who aren’t aware, I’ve been infatuated with them since junior high, and since today is Aural Sex day, I decided to push the guest posts back to May and dedicate this month’s column to the Foo’s.

I’ve been following Dave Grohl’s career since he first came up with Nirvana in the late 80’s. Even though I loved the first Foo Fighters album (aptly self-titled), I wasn’t made fully aware of his encompassing genius until the 1997 release of The Colour and the Shape. Since then, I’ve been to every tour, including one secret show in LA a couple of months ago. Dave came so close to me that I could almost grab his shoe and take it home with me as a souvenir. I didn’t though, because that would have been creepy.

Anyway, for this month’s special Foo Fighters edition of Aural Sex, I’ve ranked all their studio albums in order of my favorites, provided a list of my top 20 Foo tunes, and, for your enjoyment, linked to their three best videos. Not only can Dave Grohl play every single instrument, front the band AND host a million side projects, but he’s also hilarious. God, Dave Grohl, stop not sucking. (PS- his birthday is two days after mine, albeit with a few years on me. Further proof that Capricorns are, in fact, taking over the universe.)

Here’s my definitive guide to all things Foo. As a thank-you, I accept cash, check, and Lion-O action figures.

(For those of you jonesing for more of my musical expertise, you can also catch me on Allison’s blog, My Quarter-Life Crisis, today. It’s her birthday, so she recruited me to send her a party playlist devoted to her. Narcissism- gotta love it.)

FOO FIGHTERS ALBUMS IN ORDER OF AWESOME:

The Colour and the Shape (1997)

There’s a reason this is everybody’s favorite- every single track on this album is straight-up amazing. I knew as soon as I heard this that it was a classic, even though it had only been released a week prior. People that don’t even like Foo Fighters (I can’t imagine that one might exist, but they probably do, somewhere) love this album.

Best Track: Everlong. By a hair.

Foo Fighters (1995)

The album that allowed Dave Grohl to come into his own, Foo Fighters’ self-titled debut was actually written and recorded almost entirely by Grohl. I had no idea when listening to this the impact this band would have on my life; I just knew that my mind was sufficiently blown.

Best Track: God, this was tough. I’ll say… I’ll Stick Around. (Yes. Yes, I will.)

Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace (2007)

This album went back to original form- i.e. Dave screaming. Apparently the band realized that even though they’re great no matter what, this is the formula that works out the best for them (see: Wasting Light).

Best Track: The Pretender

Wasting Light (2011)

I first heard every track on the Foo’s newest album at their secret show in LA a couple of months ago, and I got so excited I was almost aroused. I made a total ass out of myself in front of the friend I went with, jumping around all tard-like. I’m surprised he still talks to me.

The band members are all in their 40’s with kids, but my God, they rock harder than anything I could ever come up with (they played a THREE HOUR SET of the entire new album, plus two hours of all their old shit). I am so psyched for any and all future material if this is any indication.

Best Track: Arlandria

In Your Honor (2005)

Just when I start to geek out over a new Foo Fighters CD, I find out that it’s a double album? There goes a day’s worth of work.

I seriously suggest checking out the second CD; the tracks are acoustic and it really showcases the entire band’s sublime musical efforts.

Best Track, First CD: Best Of You

Best Track, Second CD: Over And Out

One By One (2002)

The best part of One By One was the bonus DVD that came with it that included “Making Of” videos, computer goodies and other fun shit.

Best Track: All My Life

There Is Nothing Left To Lose (1999)

Just because this is last on the list in no way makes this the worst Foo Fighters album. There IS no worst Foo Fighters album. I couldn’t choose which record belonged at the bottom of the list, so I grudgingly picked this one.

Best Track: Next Year

MOST EPIC FOO FIGHTERS TRACKS: (in chronological order; feel free to include your own)

This Is A Call- Foo Fighters

I’ll Stick Around- Foo Fighters

Big Me- Foo Fighters- The video is hysterical. See below.

Monkey Wrench- The Colour and the Shape

Hey, Johnny Park!- The Colour and the Shape

My Hero- The Colour and the Shape- Supposedly written for Kurt Cobain, not even an inclusion inVarsity Blues could diminish its value (not like I own that movie. Or anything).

Everlong- The Colour and the Shape

Walking After You- The Colour and the Shape- Also used on the soundtrack to the first X-Files movie, it straddles the line between stalkerish and beautiful.

Learn To Fly- There Is Nothing Left To Lose

Next Year- There Is Nothing Left To Lose- Some interesting trivia- this song was used in the “Wipeout!” episode of the WB show Roswell. The Foo’s record label, started by Dave, is called Roswell. Coincidence?

Yeah, probably.

All My Life- One By One

Best Of You- In Your Honor

Marigold- Skin and Bones- For a while the only way to experience this song was to catch one of the band’s live performances. It began as a Nirvana B-side and was later released on the Foo’s live album, Skin and Bones. It’s the only tune to this day that has the distinction of being released by both Nirvana and Foo Fighters.

Skin and Bones- Skin and Bones

Everlong (Acoustic)- Skin and Bones- Almost as epic as the original. You should see them perform this live.

The Pretender- Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace

Let It Die- Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace

Long Road To Ruin- Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace

White Limo- Wasting Light

Arlandria- Wasting Light

BEST FOO FIGHTERS VIDEOS:

Big Me- Easily the funniest of all their videos, the concept is a play on the Mentos commercials. Seriously, just download this and wait to laugh.

Learn To Fly- Finally, something Dave Grohl is not good at- dressing in drag.

Best Of You- Baby animals are adorable- except when they’re eating each other. Oh, well. Enjoy anyway.

Also for your consideration:

Everlong

Breakout

Finally, as if this weren’t enough for you, I’ve included a list of the most tri-winning of all of Dave Grohl’s contributions to the music industry, not including Foo Fighters. By reviewing this list, it’s pretty obvious why he (and Thom Yorke, of course- can’t leave him out) is clearly one of the most incomparable powerhouses in entertainment.

Nirvana- I don’t think I need to explain this one to anyone over the age of sixteen, so I’ll just move on.

Queens of the Stone Age- Grohl was a featured guest drummer throughout the band’s stellar 2002 record Songs For The Deaf. He also joined them for a few tour dates, which I sadly missed because I HATE YOU LIFE. This is part of the reason why I am such a huge QOTSA fan- the album was one of my Best Of for the 2000’s.

Juliette Lewis- He recorded all the drums for Lewis’ band, Juliette and the Licks’, 2006 album Four on the Floor. Not many people know this, but if I were ever to give up the penis, it would be for Juliette Lewis. I love her. Not only is she an extremely versatile actress, but she is so fucking weird. I recently saw her put in a surprise appearance for some random band in some show in LA and she was just nuts. I might buy this album just for that combination alone.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers- Grohl performed with them on Saturday Night Live and was later invited to join, but declined. I don’t know which is cooler- jamming with Tom Petty or actually turning him down.

David Bowie- Not only did Grohl contribute his guitar skills to a David Bowie track, but it was for a Neil Young cover (“I’ve Been Waiting For You”).

Paul McCartney- Grohl has jammed with McCartney several times, but the most notable was when he was chosen as McCartney’s “special guest” to perform the drum part on “Back in the U.S.S.R.” and “I Saw Her Standing There.” When Paul McCartney wants you as his “special guest” to play Beatles songs, you fucking do it. It’s like, are you kidding me? If he wants you as his “special guest” to grease him up to shoot himself out of a cannon lit by retarded monkeys, you fucking do it.

This was probably the better option, though.

Nine Inch Nails- Grohl was the drummer for a multitude of tracks on 2005’s With Teeth.

The Prodigy- Grohl played drums on a couple of songs on The Prodigy’s 2009 album Invaders Must Die.

Brian May/Roger Taylor- Grohl performed vocals on “Tie Your Mother Down” during Queen’s induction at the 2001 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Later, Brian May contributed guitar parts for the Foo Fighters track “Tired Of You.”

Them Crooked Vultures- Dave performs in the supergroup Them Crooked Vultures with John Paul Jones from Led Zeppelin and Josh Homme of QOTSA. In August of 2009, they surprised UK fans of the Arctic Monkeys by appearing as their support. How the fuck did I miss that? Oh right, because I’m broke and can’t afford to go to the UK. Their album was released in the US in November of 2009. It’s amazing. You should buy it.

Pearl Jam- Grohl performed a few songs with them during the Australian leg of their 1995 tour.

Probot- Dave’s foray into metal featured such mainstreams of the genre such as Lemmy from Motorhead and Max Cavalera from Sepultura.

And, as a bonus- In 2002 Dave replaced himself on the Billboard Modern Rock chart when Nirvana’s “You Know You’re Right” was shoved out of the top spot by “All My Life.” This was achieved a second time when QOTSA’s “No One Knows” rolled into Number One. Damn, Dave.

You will notice that Tenacious D appears nowhere on this list. That’s because Jack Black is annoying as hell and they’re not funny.

If you haven’t yet heard anything I’ve mentioned, go directly to iTunes and download everything. The Foos are on tour in support of Wasting Light right now and of course, with my great fortune, not coming anywhere near New York. Whatever. My time will come. I’ve already listened to the album twice today. They’ll come here eventually, and when they do, I am ARMED, yo.

So yesterday I got this interesting email from my friend who I’ll refer to as “Bri-Winning.” Bri-Winning and I have known each other for a while and he likes to send me comments on my writing, even though he’s not actually a writer.

The email had the usual shit in it- “what’s up, how you been, you’ve dropped off the planet so call me bitch etc. etc.” Little does he know that Jewish girls are schooled in guilt trips and thus this sort of shit never works on me, so whatever.

Anyway, Bri-Winning totally redeemed himself because he is actually a regular disciple of That Ain’t Kosher and does leave the occasional compliment, which, as we all know, is definitely the way to this girl’s loins heart. Apparently what he really wanted to let me know was that the review I just wrote of Nicolas Cage’s Ghost Rider was the most ingenious piece of prose he’d ever laid eyes on and he was curious as to how one might partake in the Horrible Movie Review extravanganza.

OK, so some of that was completely fabricated. Basically he just wanted to jump on the Nugs Train and analyze a shitty Nic Cage film with the rest of us. Since he’s not a blogger, he can’t technically participate in the ‘ring, but he is sarcastic and hilarious, so I told him to send me what he came up with and I’d post it here. You know, ’cause I’m charitable and such.

So here’s my partner in snark of many years, Bri-Winning, with his review of The Rock. Feel free to show him your love. With comments, yo! You little pervs.

The Rock

Whereas the typical action movie involves some version of The Rock, such as Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel, Jean Claude Van Damme…you get the picture, one of my all-time favorites is actually called The Rock. Yes, it’s our good friend Nicholas Cage again with his co-star Ed Harris and the unshakably awesome Sean Connery (with the exception of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). And of course, thrown in for good measure and no particular reason, Candyman himself (ring a bell horror movie fans?) plays arguably the baddest guy of them all (my favorite line: “I’m not a soldier, Major. The day we took hostages we became mercenaries. And mercenaries get paid. I want my FUCKING money!”).

You may notice I said “arguably” the baddest guy…because guess what? It’s a movie with a moral goddamn conundrum! Ed Harris plays a former US black ops officer whose troops died without recognition for their actions. He holds the entirety of San Francisco hostage with biological weapons held at Alcatraz to extort federal funds to pay off the families of the deceased. Well noble intentions often lead to ignoble consequences. The mercenaries steal all the rockets and kill everyone in San Francisco…oh wait that was a dream I had. Ahem…what I meant to say is that our heroes swoop in to save the day: Stanley Goodspeed (Cage), a chemical weapons specialist who was never meant to be in the field, and John Mason (Connery), a former secret service agent that was the only person to ever escape Alcatraz. Well, since Mr. Mason has a secret underwater passage into Alcatraz full of flame jets and everything short of an invisible bridge and latin stepping stones (yes, I am making reference to Connery’s role in The Last Crusade), everything will be fine! Good thing the team does not see their impending doom coming, because that gives us plenty of irony to ponder in the wee hours. After Cage’s and Connery’s secret team tries to take out Harris’ troops and all die (except of course our brave heroes), it’s up to the odd couple (James Bond and our National Treasure) to save the day.

The rest of the movie is great, just lots of action scenes as they defuse every bomb imaginable in some pretty unique and boss (yes I said boss) scenes. Eventually everyone is saved and Connery and Cage bond intensely just short of a shower scene.

Editor’s Note: Did anyone else just go to a frightening mental place?

One of my favorite movies of the 1990s. At least watch the first scene to see someone shrivel up from being exposed to a make-believe biological weapon…

Hey Guys, and welcome to this month’s installment of Horrible Movie Reviews. I swear I don’t rig these, even though this time I get to host Nyx, and you can also find my skewering of Ghost Rider on Nicole’s blog, Sweeney Says. I just get cool people to participate in my shit, yo.

If you want to join in the fun for May, shoot me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by April 20th. The theme is Pop Star Month, and Mandy Moore is making her debut with us. She promises to massacre that bitch who keeps trying to shove her out of the spotlight.

Anyway, here’s Nyx being all types of awesome. Enjoy:

Hey Y’all, welcome to another round of movie reviews. This month’s reviews are based on Nicholas Cage movies. Thanks to the marvelous Nugs for setting this up – I love you girlie! Seriously, she’s awesome. If you like what you see, be sure to check out my blog at Notions.

Oh, I’m going to have fun with this.

So, after much deliberation (and procrastination), I picked Con Air as my movie of choice. I must admit, I kind of like it, so I’m not all that sure if this review is going to jive with the whole ‘bad movie’ scene or not, but I’ll just play it by ear and we’ll see how it goes.

So here’s how the story goes: Cameron Poe (seriously, could the writers have picked a more romantic name? It sounds like it’s straight out of a harlequin romance novel) gets into a bar fight with some asshole who was messing with his wife, and winds up killing the asshole. Turns out killing a dude is a big fucking deal, especially since Mr. Poe was an Army Ranger.

Whoopsies.

So Poe goes to jail, flash forward eight years. He’s being paroled. Yay for him, he finally gets to see his daughter that he’s never met. The writers must REAAALLLY want you to like this guy. I mean, heck. He’s southern, supposed to be good looking (guess they fucked the casting up), has a baby girl and a wife that he loves to pieces – enough to go without seeing his daughter for eight years, because he didn’t want her to see him in jail. Does he have any faults? Doubtful.

So anyways, our boy Poe is going to be flown back to his home in Alabama on a plane, where he’ll be released upon landing. Several other prisoners are going to flying as well, in order to be transferred to a new Supermax prison, including one Mr. Cyrus the Virus (played by the excellent John Malkovich). Who, of course, prompts a takeover of the plane (because no one saw that coming).

Insert a dumb authority figure here. Said dumb authority figure would be Duncan Malloy. He’s blustery, has a penchant for corvettes (ok, can’t fault him there), and is an absolute ass.

Really. These Hollywood writers need to start creating characters with more than one dimension.

There’s one other character that I’ve neglected to tell you all about, and that is the wonderful Mr. Vince Larkin. He’s the dude in charge of the plane, and it is *painfully* obvious that Malloy is his foil. He’s quiet and even tempered and totally rational.

Anyway, to make matters short, Cyrus and a few other motley members of the plane take over. They’re planning on running away or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying much attention during this part of the movie. They manage to dupe the authorities several times during this schtick, and eventually they wind up landing at an abandoned airfield. They did, however, manage to overshoot the runway, and so the plane winds up grounded. I dunno how the hell they were supposed to do it, but Cyrus orders them to dig the plane out (I mean, it’s not like there’s shovels lying around).

Poe is, of course, honorable to the end. After a lot of action sequences, blundering from the authorities, Malloy acting like a general jackass and Larkin being the sole redeemer of the authorities, the plane finally gets in the air. Cyrus, by this point in time, now knows that Poe’s a traitor. He intends on killing Poe, but before he can do that Malloy has his pilots open fire on the plane – disabling one of its engines.

Because of Malloy’s stupidity, the plane now has to land short of where it was going to (which was a conveniently located airstrip nearby). So, of course the next logical place for the plane to land was The Strip.

Yea. Genius.

Plane lands, Cyrus escapes. Poe and Larkin give chase. Poe catches up with Cyrus, Cyrus dies, Poe is reunited with his wife and daughter.

Happily ever fucking after.

My opinion of the movie? Campy. Flat. Not a single character had any depth to them whatsoever.

Although, I will admit, I do own the movie. For those nights when I just don’t feel like thinking.

Every year, right before the baseball season begins, my family and I email each other predictions about which team is going to place first in every division, take home the pennant, and win the World Series. At first it was just my dad and I, and I kicked his ass every year. Honestly, I was embarrassed for him. Then last year my brother joined in and destroyed everyone. What an asshole.

This year’s season starts a week from today, so I decided to post my forecast for all of you guys to either argue with or totally ignore because you don’t give a shit about sports.

To make this more interesting, I commissioned my friend Johnny Sacks, the creator and evil genius behind Living With Balls, to send me his predictions and get a competition going on. When my family and I do this, we play for dignity, pride and bragging rights; however, Sacks came up with the idea to administer a points system so somebody comes out looking like an actual loser.

Here’s how it works:

1 point for each division/wild card winner

1 point for each Rookie of the Year

1 point for each most/least improved

2 points for each League Division series

3 points for each League Championship series

5 points for the World Series winner

We also came up with a humiliating compensation prize for whoever doesn’t win (NOT ME): Sacks is a huge Yankees fan, and I go hard for the Mets. That’s why whoever eats shit with this has to put the winner’s favorite team on the side of their blog for a month in a prominent display of asswipe.

Here are both of our posts. I didn’t even look at his before I typed this in order to keep a level playing field, and now that I’ve seen them, mine are clearly not more informed, better thought-out, and all-around smarter.

2011 PREDICTIONS: THE THAT AIN’T KOSHER/LIVING WITH BALLS EDITION

AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST

JOHNNY SACKS: Boston Red Sox

I hate to admit this as a Yankees fan, but the Red Sox are STACKED.  They added Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez to an already potent line-up and their pitching staff is one of the best in baseball.  Jon Lester and Clay Bucholz are entering the prime of their careers and should get even better. Meanwhile, the Yankees, who are usually very busy during the off-season, did nothing but sign fat pitchers past their prime.

NUGS: Boston Red Sox

The Sox were my World Series pick for last year, but due to a slew of injuries and a slumping Josh Beckett, they wound up with a disappointing finish while the Yankees came out on top (again). Now, with the off-season acquisitions of former Ray Carl Crawford and Padres powerhouse Adrian Gonzalez, as well as a full, healthy line-up and a seriously nasty rotation, the Sox are taking their team all the way to the finish.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL

JOHNNY SACKS: Minnesota Twins

The Twins have been well-operated and well-managed for decades now and they’ve managed to be successful despite a small payroll.  But now, with a new stadium, the money is rolling in and the Twins have money to spend. They are now loaded with talent and are well-managed.  This is always a good combination. Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan should be back at 100 percent following season-ending injuries last season. They managed to do well without those guys last season, so their return will only make them better.

NUGS: Detroit Tigers

Every year I go with the White Sox and they totally fuck me over. This division is usually a pretty close race for the top three with Detroit, Minnesota and Chicago, but I had to pick the Tigers this year because of the key moves they made during the off-season.

Detroit finished with a 500 record last year, both winning and losing 81 games. However, with Jim Leyland entering into the final year of his contract, he’s pulled in some stellar new signings with Joaquin Benoit and Victor Martinez, and held onto Jhonny Peralta, Magglio Ordonez and Brandon Inge. Leyland has consistently performed as one of the best managers in the MLB, and the Tigers are insane if they don’t extend his contract.

AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST

JOHNNY SACKS: Texas Rangers

Even though the Rangers lost out on the Cliff Lee bidding war, I still think they will be the best team in the West.  None of the other teams in the division did anything significant to make me believe they will outplay Texas. The Rangers’ offense should be very potent once again and their staff, led by C.J. Wilson, should be good enough for them to win their second straight AL West Crown.

NUGS: Texas Rangers

I’m predicting great things for Texas. Coming directly off of last year’s World Series, the Rangers still have the best starting lineup in the AL West, and their pitching is still a force, even without Cliff Lee, who went to Philly (ugh- more on those douchebags later). None of the teams in their division made any significant changes to their staff, and the fight that the Rangers put up for Lee, even though they eventually lost, shows that they’re willing to go the distance to take home the AL Pennant for the second straight year.

WILD CARD

JOHNNY SACKS: New York Yankees

Though the Yankees didn’t do much in the off-season, they are still have a ton of weapons.  There are a lot of question marks with their pitching staff—most notably A.J. Burnett—but their powerful offense and the left arm of C.C. Sabathia should be enough to get them to 90 wins. Look for prospects Ivan Nova and Jesus Montero to step up for the Yanks as well.

NUGS: New York Yankees

Come on. They’re the Yankees. As much as I hate them, (and I really, really do) don’t let the fact that they pretty much sat on their ass during the off-season fool you.  Their pitching is shaky, but they still have Mariano Rivera, whose skills as a closer can’t even compare to anyone that ever stepped onto the mound. 2010 was the worst year of shortstop Derek Jeter’s career, but a bad year for Jeter is still a decent year for 90% of ball players. Apparently a lot’s been done into reshaping A.J. Burnett, who last year left a ton of Yankees fans (namely my brother) practically suicidal.

Besides, they’re the Yankees. If they don’t make the playoffs, they’ll just pay someone to slip them in there.

NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST

JOHNNY SACKS: Philadelphia Phillies

The Phillies probably have the best starting rotation since the Atlanta Braves turned out Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine and Steve Avery in the early 90s. Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee should dominate as usual and Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt aren’t exactly slouches either. The Phillies have lost a lot on offense with Jayson Werth leaving for Washington and Chase Utley likely missing the beginning of the season but it shouldn’t matter.  The Phillies pitching will lead them to 100 wins.

NUGS: Stupid Phillies

Words cannot express the depths of my loathing for the Phillies, now made even stronger thanks to the addition of SP Cliff Lee.  Seriously, is their rotation even legal? With a pitching staff that includes Lee, Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cole Hamels and Joe Blanton, at one point the first four guys on the mound shared a collective ERA of 2.8.

My only comfort is that their lineup is good on paper; however their top players are not only aging, but battling injuries from last season. 2B Chase Utley is still nursing his bad hip; not to mention he’s 32 years old. I hope he gets a fastball to the head.

Whatever. Their offense doesn’t matter. Their pitching will dominate and lead them to the World Series, and I will be a total bitch during the entire month of October.

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL

JOHNNY SACKS: Milwaukee Brewers

The Brewers have shown potential the past few seasons but have been unable to make a deep playoff run.  This could be the year that changes.  The addition of Zack Greinke should make a rotation that already has Yovani Gallardo very formidable.  Meanwhile, their lineup is dangerous with Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun and Casey McGehee likely doing lots of damage once again. The Cardinals lost their ace pitcher and should drop in the standings this season—and though I love the Reds’ offense I don’t like their pitching staff.  The drop-off by those two teams should allow for the Brewers to take the division crown.

NUGS: Cincinnati Reds

The Reds have a good, young team whose potential will only continue to grow. They have a sick offense and one of the best third basemen in baseball with Scott Rolen, an eight-time Gold Glove winner who would have been my pick for MVP last year had he had not suffered a back injury in the second half of the season. With the Cardinals no longer the threat they used to be, the Reds can look to contend for a while.

NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST

JOHNNY SACKS: San Francisco Giants

The defending champs should once again take the NL West title.  The young rotation, highlighted by Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, Jonathan Sanchez and Madison Bumgarner is one of the best in baseball and, as you saw last season, their offense is just good enough to get by.

WEST:  San Francisco Giants

The defending World Series champs can look to take the NL West title for the second year in a row. Their rotation is almost as formidable as the Phillies’, with Tim Lincecum and Madison Bumgarner’s ridiculous ERA’s. San Fran’s rotation also has youth on their side- only Barry Zito is in his thirties.

Their lineup is also pretty decent- they can boast catcher Buster Posey, SS Miguel Tejada and OF Pat Burrell. Combined with the Giants’ pitching staff, this formula is more than enough for a solid 90 wins.

WILD CARD

JOHNNY SACKS: Colorado Rockies

The Rockies locked up sluggers Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez in the off-season and that should go a long way in helping them make a playoff run.  These two guys are scary good and should have monster seasons once again. Ubaldo Jimenez will lead the Rockies staff once again and should be a Cy Young candidate.

WILD CARD: Milwaukee Brewers

My dad likes the Brewers every year, and this time I agree with him. Much like the Reds, Milwaukee has a solid young team that will continue to impress and expand. With the acquisition of Zack Greinke as their ace, their pitching staff should finally get Milwaukee that playoff spot they deserve.

This is one instance where hitting trumps pitching- their offense is one of the monsters of the Major League. With a lineup that includes Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun and Corey Hart, the Brewers have made sure that the race for the NL Central will be close for a long time.

BTW, does anyone else wonder if Corey Hart wears his sunglasses at night?

AL DIVISION SERIES

JOHNNY SACKS:

YANKEES over TWINS 3-2

The Yankees will once again get the best of the Twins in the Division series.  Sabathia wins game 1 and 5 to send them back to the ALCS.

RED SOX over RANGERS 3-0

The Sox will steamroll the Rangers and meet up with their hated rivals in the ALCS.

NUGS:

YANKEES over TIGERS 4-1

Unfortunately, the Tigers will be no match for the Yankees. The Tigers may get in one win, but the Yanks will take it back and advance.

RED SOX over RANGERS 3-0

I gotta go with Sacks on this one- the Sox will destroy the Rangers and go head-to-head with the Yankees in another epic rivalry.

AL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

JONNY SACKS: RED SOX over YANKEES 4-2

This will be an exciting series, but in the end, the Red Sox are just a little bit better.

NUGS: RED SOX over YANKEES 4-2

Again, I have to agree. And I will root deliciously for the Sox. Not because I’m SUCH a fan, but because any team that wants the Yankees to lose that badly is OK by me.

NL DIVISION SERIES

JOHNNY SACKS:

PHILLIES over ROCKIES 4-1

The Phillies Staff will shut down the Rockies offense.

BREWERS over GIANTS 3-2

The Brewers will upset the defending champs in five games.

NUGS:

STUPID PHILLIES over BREWERS 4-1

Unfortunately for the Brewers, they’ll keep coming THISCLOSE but they still just won’t quite make it. Relax, though, Milwaukee- I have a feeling they’re only a couple of seasons away.

GIANTS over REDS 4-1

The Reds won’t even come close.

NL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

JOHHNY SACKS: PHILLIES over BREWERS 4-1

The Brewers will run out of steam in the NLCS and the Phillies will beat them rather easily.

NUGS: STUPID PHILLIES over GIANTS 3-2

The Stupid Phillies will once again meet up with the Giants in a pitching rivalry that resembles a series I could have posted on What If Sports. Unfortunately, the Stupid Phillies are out for blood, and they’ll best San Fran, 3 wins to 2.

WORLD SERIES

JOHNNY SACKS: RED SOX over PHILLIES 4-3

Ugh…I can’t believe I just wrote that the Red Sox are going to win the World Series. Hopefully I’m dead wrong. The Phillies staff will meet its match when it goes up against Boston. Lester, Bucholz and Lackey should match the Phillies playoff rotation. Meanwhile, the Sox offense and bullpen is superior to Philly’s, which should give them the edge in the series.

NUGS: STUPID PHILLIES over RED SOX 4-3

Much like Sacks, it’s time for me to admit that the sports team I loathe the most is more than likely going to take the most coveted spot. I detest the Stupid Phillies so much that I pray nightly for them all to be locked in a burning cave filled with lava and three-headed angry gorillas that will only play Rebecca Black videos.

Basically, what this year’s Series comes down to is Starting Rotation vs. Bullpen, and unfortunately, Boston’s Jonathan Papelbon is no match for the Stupid Phillies’ nausea-inducing one through four.

AL MVP

JOHNNY SACKS: Robinson Cano,  2B New York Yankees

Cano had the best season of his career last season and I think he’ll be even better this year.  A five-tool player, Cano will hit .320 this season with 30+ homers and 100+ RBI’s, while also playing a stellar second base.

NUGS: Dustin Pedroia, 2B Boston Red Sox

This one was tough. It will definitely be someone from the Red Sox, an organization that will turn themselves around and make it to the World Series. If I absolutely had to narrow it down to one, my pick would be 2B Dustin Pedroia, who ended 2010 with an injury and is expected to not only bounce back this year, but return to form and  help lead the team to the AL Championship.

AL ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

JOHNNY SACKS: Jesus Montero: C New York Yankees

The Yankees prized prospect is expected to start the season as the back-up catcher in 2011.  When Russell Martin is inevitably is hitting .230 with two HR’s in June, Montero will take over the starting job. Montero will come in and help the Yankees make a playoff run just like another catching prospect, Buster Posey, did for the Giants last season.

NUGS: Jesus Montero, C New York Yankees

I can’t believe I’m giving another award to the Yankees, but this guy is only 21 and has all the calibers to be a stellar investment. Considering the Yankees didn’t do jack shit during the off-season, the fact that they went out and spent money on Montero probably means something.

NL MVP

JOHNNY SACKS: Troy Tulowitzki, SS Colorado Rockies

Tulowitzki had a ridiculous season a year ago, despite missing more than a month with a broken wrist.  The guy missed 40 games last season and still nearly hit 30 homers and drove in 100 runs.  Considering he plays a premium position, if he puts up numbers like that over the course of a full season then he’ll be a shoo-in for MVP.

NUGS: Prince Fielder, 1B Milwaukee Brewers

When the Brewers get to the NL Division Series, it will be largely in part to Fielder. As long as he can keep his attitude in check, he should be a lock for NL MVP.

NL ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

JOHNNY SACKS: Aroldis Chapman, RP Cincinnati Reds

The fire-baller from Cuba joined the Reds major league roster late in the season and did not disappoint.  His fastball reached 100 mph regularly and at times he looked dominant. Whether he starts or relieves in 2011 he should show be tough to hit.

NUGS: Aroldis Chapman, RP Cincinnati Reds

I wish I could be different and go with somebody else, but this kid is already being referred to as the “Cuban Missile.” He’s 22 and is already arguably the hardest-throwing pitcher in the history of Major League Baseball, and he’s been drafted by a team that is expected to get to the NL Championship Series. He’s what Charlie Sheen calls winning.

MOST IMPROVED

JOHNNY SACKS: Milwaukee Brewers

The Brewers went 77-85 a season ago.  I see them adding anywhere from 10-15 wins to that mark this season.   Prince Fielder is playing for a new contract and Zack Greinke should help their pitching staff.

NUGS: Milwaukee Brewers

The Brewers are definitely going to be baseball’s most improved house. Not only will they make the playoffs, but they’ll continue to rise and will dominate enough to possibly get to the 2012 World Series.

LEAST IMPROVED

JOHNNY SACKS: St. Louis Cardinals

The loss of Adam Wainwright is a killer for the Cardinals.  They won 86 games a year ago and without Wainwright, there is no way they crack the .500 mark.  I say 78 wins at the most for St. Louis.

NUGS: San Diego Padres

There is no way in Hell the Padres are going to win 90 games this season, especially not when they share a division with the Giants.

NUGS’ SPECIAL CRYSTAL BALL FOR THE METS:

Not only will they continue to suck and make me cry, but the entire team will be fired and replaced by puppies and kitties in uniform. When that fails, a baby will be named as their ace, and I will be put in the outfield as well as a bunch of seventh graders. With that genius move, we will finally win more than 11 games and I will be named as manager, general manager and owner.

The winner will be announced a couple of days after the World Series, when I’ve had time to tally the points and collect my shame up off the floor perform my victory dance. I hope Sacks likes orange.

So it’s come to this: post number 100.

Honestly, I never thought I would make it this far. When I started That Ain’t Kosher, I figured maybe four people would be interested in what I had to say and I would give up after a few weeks and go back to watching old episodes of Stargate all day.

Well, too bad for you, because I’m a persistent little asshole. A few months ago a bunch of you voted that I should do a vlog, so I decided to celebrate my hundredth by gracing your screens with my drunken redeye majestic visage. It just so happened that this milestone fell during the weekend of Mandy Moore‘s epic birthday ridiculousness, so I got her wasted and tricked her into making a guest appearance. I know all of you are quivering with longing, so I’ll shut up and get right to it.

So here goes my anonymity, shot to shit. Enjoy. Thanks to Mandy for relinquishing her dignity.