A lot of you may be wondering what happened to this month’s edition of SMAC (I say “may” because we all know that really isn’t the case. Please just validate me).
The reason you didn’t see anything hilarious or painful on the 2nd of this month is because we’ve all been busy concocting a mad scheme to humiliate celebrate everyone’s favorite Nip Cliquer (there was a poll), Shelly from Shelly Talks Too Much.
Her birthday is today, and in the grand Nip Tradition of forcing all of us to come to terms with the aging process, we decided to change the name of the anagram from Shitty Movie Awareness Club to Shelly Movie Awareness Club. You’re welcome, Shells. <3<3<3
For the last couple of months, there have been emails, spreadsheets (of course), smoke signals and carrier pigeons in order to get this party started. So not only did we manage to pull this off in time for The Shellator’s actual birthday, I’m totally impressed that we did this completely behind her back. And Shells, if you did actually figure this out, please just let us have this.
Not like I would have an issue with anyone I got paired up with, but I’m stoked to be posting for Rio. I also convinced Risha to add in some commentary, so it’s kind of like the best threesome in the history of blogging. If you feel like skipping the rest of this intro, you can scroll down and read Ginny’s review of Short Circuit, whenever she gets it to me. BTW, the entire Nip Clique have been campaigning for months to get Gin voted Featured Blogger, and it finally worked. Mob mentality FTW!
Anyway, you can see the list of bloggers who worship The Shellator below, along with their choices of Shelly-based movies. We’re all waiting for her to pretend to be pissed off, but then be like, “Oh dear!” and be super embarrassed but also secretly laugh.
We love you, Shells- we hope this is your best birthday ever! And uh, please vlog your face when you read this post.
This Month’s SHELLY MOVIE AWARENESS CLUB Swap List:
When I was a kid in the 80′s I was really into Saturday morning cartoons. Every single week, my brothers and I would sit glued to the screen, transfixed by the animated half hours that would keep us from bugging our parents. We each had our favorites; I remember being particularly obsessed with Jem, Transformers, My Little Pony and Thundercats.
God, I LOVED Thundercats. A while ago I wrote a post on how Lion-O was my first childhood crush (don’t judge. It explains a lot). Next year I swear I’m going to be Cheetara for Halloween.
Then a few months ago I found out that they were remaking Thundercats on Cartoon Network. We all know how I applaud Hollywood and their ability to constantly come up with original concepts, but this nevertheless made me all squee-y inside. Then I found out that there was a clip of the first episode online and I was like, “Ooh! Jazz hands!”
What the hell is this garbage about? Why are the characters all of a sudden anime? What happened to Lion-O’s gigantic arms and male camel-toe?
Why is Cheetara dressed like the alien cat version of Yvonne Lehead? Why are all the Thundercats eleven years old? And BTW, why is “Thundera” spelled wrong????
No, Cartoon Network. NO. VETO.
This makes me sad in the pants. I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up severely traumatized.
Things have been drunkenly going down here in the That Ain’t Kosher offices, and by offices I mean my laptop, because this post marks the one year anniversary of Aural Sex! (Sadly, this also marks a very long anniversary of no oral sex, but let’s move away from that before I get violent and then cry a lot.)
I’ve been involved with the music space for what seems like my entire life- I’ve even tried to get away from it, and no matter what I do, it always finds me (dammit). I’m always around musicians, music journalists, or music venues in some capacity, and if you go through the contacts in my phone, 3/4 of them have access to some kind of gear.
To honor the first birthday of Aural Sex, I’ve decided that I needed to immortalize the most exalted women in the music business- those that have recorded classic tunes, fronted powerhouse bands, and made the men of the industry think with their other head.
So thanks, guys, for sticking with me for one full year of Aural Sex. Turn this shit up- this list goes to 11.
Aguilera could have easily become another Mouseketeer if it weren’t for her ridiculous set of pipes. Even when she broke out with that stupid Genie song everybody know she was a true talent to watch out for.
The Bangles were the first band I ever saw live- I think I was like three or something. They also recorded a kick-ass cover of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Hazy Shade of Winter” that made every girl on the planet want to pick up a guitar.
Bjork has one of the most recognizable vocal stylings in music- MTV ranked her voice at #8 on their “Greatest Voices” List. Her sound is eclectic and combines multiple genres, and this is often reflected in her personal style (see: swan dress. What the hell?).
Bjork is a refreshing release from the factory pop that gets churned out on a monthly basis- even her earlier work with The Sugarcubes had a decidedly post-punk feel. Thom Yorke has been quoted as saying that Bjork’s “Unravel” is his favorite song, and Radiohead covered it in 2007. Oh my God. If the two of them recorded it together I would die. DIE.
Bjork’s “All is Full of Love” was the first DVD single ever to be released in the US.
Last year, Bjork and The Dirty Projectors released a joint EP to benefit marine conservation. I wonder if my brother knows about that. I should give him a call.
It’s 2011, so Cher is what, 106 years old, and is the only person in history to have both won an Oscar and recorded with Beavis and Butthead.
Other than that, Cher is the only person to have received an Oscar, three Golden Globes, Grammy, Emmy and a Cannes Film Festival Award. She is also the only artist to have a Billboard number one hit in each of the last six decades, and her “Farewell Tour” holds the record as the most successful tour by a female artist of all time. Cher’s career has lasted over 45 years, while my last job lasted a month. Go me.
For all the jokes that are constantly being thrown around about Cher, no one seems to have more of a sense of humor about any of them than Cher herself. She always seems so normal and never takes herself seriously. It was especially hilarious when she appeared as herself on Will & Grace, and Jack thought she was a Cher impersonator. When her own daughter came out, first as a lesbian and then as a transgender, Cher was supportive and became a strong vocal advocate of the gay community. While I’m heterosexual, I am also a staunch defender of anyone who stands up for those who may have difficulty maintaining their own rights. I may not be a fan of Cher’s music, but I am definitely behind her beliefs.
I’m tempted to leave her off this list because I’m convinced that she’s solely responsible for everyone who thinks they’re talented enough for American Idol. However, all of her songs, country or not, are pretty much pop culture staples and everyone and their dog knows the opening to “Crazy” and “I Fall To Pieces.”
She died in a plane crash at the pinnacle of her career when she was only thirty years old, but she left an enormous impact on the music industry. She became the first woman ever to be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame, and was voted among the most influential artists by CMT, VH1 and Rolling Stone.
Most of my friends don’t know who Kim Deal is until I mention The Pixies. Then they still don’t know who she is. I talk about The Breeders and they STILL don’t know.
Debbie Harry is best known as the frontwoman for Blondie, one of the seminal bands of the New York City punk scene. I listen to Blondie all the time because they can’t be grouped into one distinct genre- their sound combines new wave, reggae, rap and pop as well as punk.
Blondie was such an inspiration to me because in an era where guys were running the show, here was a band that was led by a hot, blonde chick. She still looks great, too- I’ll probably look half as good as her when I’m 65.
I actually met Chrissie Hynde. I was in Washington, DC about 15 years ago and she was at a rally fighting for animal rights. So, not only is she one of the most iconic women in the history of music, but she also stands up for those who can’t support themselves. She’s also one of the nicest people on the planet, BTW.
Janet Jackson emerged as the “girl” in one of music’s most all-time successful families to form a career that’s been showing everyone how it’s done for almost thirty years. In 1991, she signed the first of two multi-million dollar contracts, both of which would break previous records signed by any recording artist thus far. She’s also managed to cross over into acting, starring on TV and in movies while still maintaining a successful record of noteworthy album sales. She could have easily sat back and just borrowed money from her brothers but she was determined to roll around in her own cash. Fuck yes.
Did any of you know “Piece of My Heart” was a cover? That’s a sign of a truly monumental talent- one that can take an original piece and turn it into something completely different. I can only imagine what Janis Joplin would be doing now if she hadn’t totally fucked herself up.
Joan Jett is one of my idols. After The Runaways disbanded, she decided to start her own career. Jett got rejected by 23 major labels, so she started her own, independent label, Blackheart Records. From there, she recorded a cover of “I Love Rock and Roll” and made it her own. In a genre where the boys are all mentioned in one breath, Joan Jett is one of the most lauded and respected names in the business.
Plus, have you seen her lately? She looks fucking amazing. She’s what, 50?
“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is the first song I remember dancing around to in my living room as a toddler. I developed a strong attachment to the way she rocked the punk look even though her music was happy and pop-y, and also her accent is from Queens.
We do not sound sexy, yo. Have you ever talked to people from New York City for extended periods of time? It’s like holding dialogue with Ray Liotta in Goodfellas.
I’m personally not a fan, but I can’t put up a post about women in music and leave out the founder of Lilith Fair.
Plus anyone who ever watched Buffy, the Vampire Slayer knows what I’m talking about. That final scene of Season Two KILLED IT. (Thanks for NOT giving me the video, Youtube).
I remember my mom playing old Joni Mitchell records while I was growing up. I can’t say that I ever became a huge devotee, but there’s no way I can leave her out of a post of the most influential women in music.
Despite the fact that she just relinquished the rights to the best Fleetwood Mac tunes to Glee, Stevie Nicks remains one of the icons not just of women in rock, but in all of musical history.
Nico was the female behind The Velvet Underground, as well a solo artist, model and Warhol muse from the 1960′s through the early 80′s. She was the inspiration for a multitude of pop culture staples before and after her death in 1988, including Patti Smith, Stevie Nicks, Bjork, The Eurythmics, Elliott Smith, Blind Melon and Anberlin.
Ignore her 4 Non-Blondes phase. Linda Perry has become one of the most sought-after songwriters and producers in the pop genre, collaborating with the likes of Pink, Christina Aguilera and Gwen Stefani.
Liz Phair hit the grunge scene hard at the same time as the guys, and even though I was too young to appreciate it then, I love Exile in Guyville now. Later she took a breather, had a son, and came back with a pop album, just to fuck with everyone’s head.
Queen Latifah started out as a rapper and has since transcended pop culture, starring in a (shitty) TV series and an Oscar-winning film, also earning an Academy Award nomination herself. She is the first female hip-hop artist ever to receive an Academy Award nomination for acting. She can also be seen in ads for Cover Girl as a spokesmodel, and in commercials for Jenny Craig.
I hate rap, but even I have to admit that’s pretty damn impressive. Will everyone shut up about whether she’s a lesbian or not? I don’t really give a shit.
Patti Smith, known as the “Godmother of Punk,” is one of the foremost reasons that I’m proud to be from New York City. Technically, she’s from Chicago, but she was one of the most important figures in the NYC punk and poetry movement. Her debut album Horses, as well her role in rock journalism, helped shape the way I listen to music. I also think it’s awesome that she received an honorary doctorate from the college that my mom went to.
Since her contribution to the music scene, Smith has since been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and been given the Polar Music Prize. She was also specifically chosen to close the farewell ceremony for CBGB’s.
Patti Smith is also directly responsible for the formation of R.E.M.- listening to Horses convinced Michael Stipe to start a band. So without Patti Smith, another of my favorite bands might not be around today. Thank you, Patti Smith.
Laugh if you will- she changed the face of teenybopper pop and managed to resurrect her career numerous times after a multitude of personal fall-outs. “Till the World Ends” is a pretty great club hit that could be just the comeback she needs.
I first was introduced to Tina Turner when she took on the role of The Acid Queen in The Who’s Tommy. Of course, I saw it when I was five and I had no idea what an “acid queen” was; I only knew that I was mesmerized.
Later, I learned that Turner had overcome an abusive relationship with Ike to escape with both of their careers and legs that would take me years of pilates and eating only Ritz Bits. She STILL has better legs than I do. Holy shit.
I happen to think her music blows. However, 1997′s Come On Over is the best-selling album of all time by a female musician and the eighth-best selling album of all time in the US.
I saw Heart in concert a few years ago, and the Wilson sisters are still phenomenal. Not only is the band fantastic, all their songs sound exactly as they used to.
I saw them perform with Journey and Cheap Trick. I actually took my dad to this show because all of my friends refused to go with me. I actually asked the guy I was dating at the time and he laughed at me, then realized I was serious, so he told me no. A-hole.
Also, for those of you that love Cameron Crowe movies (such as myself), Nancy- his wife- wrote the score for a number of them, including Elizabethtown, Jerry Maguire and Vanilla Sky (let’s erase that last one). She also did the score for Almost Famous, which is my absolute favorite movie of all time, so that makes sense.
Adele’s voice blows me away. I didn’t really notice her before, because I was never an enormous fan of her material, but I recently heard “Rolling In The Deep,” and I had my “holy shit” moment. It’s a really simple song, but there’s so much power in her vocal stylings that you can tell that every word out of her mouth is one hundred percent real emotion. Take note, Avril Lavigne.
Not to mention, I think she’s beautiful with hair that makes me superjealous. I wish reviewers would stop harping on the “even though she’s bigger” factor, because it doesn’t fucking matter. Her talent is amazing.
Nikka Costa’s track “Like A Feather” was featured in a Tommy Hilfiger ad in 2000, and I still listen to it today. Later, “Everybody Got Their Something” appeared on an episode of the sixth season of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, which is only one of the GREATEST TV SHOWS OF ALL TIME.
I’m not so big on the funk genre, but Costa’s music is pretty dance-able.
I’ve had the honor of seeing Feist perform live twice- once with Broken Social Scene and another as simply herself. At the time I had no idea that this was the same artist (I’m a little slow sometimes).
We all know Feist, even if we don’t realize it- her “1234″ was featured in the iPod Nano ad and thus allowed her solo career to blow up. I’ll ignore the fact that she’s from Canada because of her myriad of talent.
Canada also, however, gave us Justin Bieber. So I guess they cancel each other out.
I first heard Imogen Heap’s “Hide and Seek” in the second season finale of The O.C. I was immediately struck by the way her music deviated from most of the top-40 shit that was on the airwaves and downloaded the rest of the album Speak For Yourself.
Heap’s style is the definition of eclectic- she’s been known to use frying pans to create her music and leave subliminal messages for her friends and family. The only beef I have with her is that she allowed “Hide and Seek” to be sampled in that heinous Z-100 atrocity by Jason DeRulo.
Elly Jackson is the female half of the UK electro-dance-pop act La Roux. I first heard “Bulletproof” in Ginntastic’s car about a year ago and ever since then it’s been on perma-shuffle on my iPod. I’m usually not into this genre AT ALL so I can’t explain my attachment to La Roux- maybe it’s because they remind me of Boston Massacre 2010, or maybe it’s because their songs are so damn catchy. Just download their shit and see for yourself.
I love Juliette Lewis. She’s not only extremely versatile as an actress but her music is really fucking weird. She also just doesn’t give a shit. I’ve seen her perform with her band, Juliette and the Licks, and again in a solo performance, and she prances around onstage like she’s naked in her bedroom or something singing into her hairbrush.
Sia is better known as the vocalist for Zero 7, but if you haven’t heard anything else she’s done, you are seriously missing out. Her solo work is amazing. If you were a fan of Six Feet Under, you’ll recognize “Breathe Me” from the masterful final sequence of the series finale. She has also released multiple solo albums and collaborations and taken home a shitload of Australian awards and accreditations.
Sia also recorded a cover of Radiohead’s “Paranoid Android.” I was so excited about this that I can even forgive her for her contribution to the Twilight soundtrack.
Also, I just found out that her uncle is Colin Hay, the dude from Men At Work who’s now doing some pretty cool solo stuff. The More You Know.
I used to LOVE Veruca Salt when I was a kid. Listening to them made me feel like such a badass. Later I found out there was a guy in the band, so the image was slightly tarnished, but I was still kind of into the whole “chicks with sticks” thing, so I didn’t really care. They toured with Hole in the mid-90′s and I’m still pissed that I was never allowed to see that show because I was “too young.” I still listen to “Seether” on repeat. That track is such a head-banger.
According to their Wikipedia page, Veruca Salt is still together, although it’s really just Louise Post and some people using the Veruca Salt name (I hate when they do that).
Welch is the “Florence” behind the ubiquitous Florence + the Machine. The single “Dog Days Are Over” is probably one more advertisement away from becoming a cloying pop culture staple, but five million mad men can’t be wrong, right?
I loved this song immediately upon my first listen, and it’s pretty difficult to pass my initial test. Welch’s vocals sound like a cross between Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s and Jewel after a three-day bender. Florence + the Machine’s performance at the 2010 VMA’s marked the only time I’ve watched MTV in the past seven years (I turned it off immediately after, though).
Florence + the Machine was recently bestowed with Glamour‘s Band of the Year award, as well as the Musician of the Year award from Elle Style. They were nominated for a bunch of other accolades in ’09 and ’10, including distinctions from Q Magazine, MTV (I use “distinctions” loosely here), MOJO, Billboard and the Grammys.
Add this to the fact that this girl is only in her mid-twenties, and I expect to see an even bigger boost in her career. I’ll definitely be paying attention.
Of course this column wouldn’t be Nugs-approved if I didn’t have a section dedicated to those that piss me off. Take a look at the “artists” that set us females back twenty years.
BEYONCE
One of my very first posts was about how much I hate Beyonce. She’s like the cast of Glee- everywhere you look, there she is. Beyonce would go to the American Egg Farm Awards if there were cameras there of any kind.
Beyonce- WE GET IT! You’re alive! We see you! Time to move on and you know, do your job? Make some music?
Actually don’t do that either. Your songs suck.
MILEY CYRUS
Miley Cyrus is like Champion of the Whores. That’s pretty impressive for someone who’s about four years old. At first when she just had that stupid show on the Disney Channel I could tolerate her, because she wasn’t being marketed towards my demographic and it kept the kids quiet. Now she’s so desperate to get away from her Disney image that she can’t decide whether she’s a hillbilly or a trailer park slut. Those photo shoots with her dad where she’s laying with her head near his peen are incredibly fucking creepy. I love my dad too, but I don’t like, LOVE my dad, if you get what I’m saying.
Once I was with my mom when she was watching Oprah (I know) and she had Miley Cyrus on performing a song with Joan Jett. I almost dry heaved. So, for all of you that are aspiring to be like the Wakefield twins, you should seriously consider a strong helping of Miley Cyrus.
LADY GAGA
Lady Gaga pisses me off because if you listen to her music, she actually has a lot of talent and I wish I could list her in the first section of this post. With a few more credentials under her belt, I could have actually seen her becoming a fairly prolific songwriter. Her own music is pretty catchy too- “Bad Romance” is fucking great.
I just can’t stand her. I think she’s an asshole who says things that she may not even believe just because she can, and her miserable personality detracts from her abundance of musical capability. Did any of you catch her interview on 60 Minutes? Anderson Cooper looked like he wanted to punch himself in the throat just to get away from her.
Lady Gaga is originally from New York City, and recently outraged both Yankees and Mets fans at both stadiums. As a born-and-raised New Yorker myself, she offends me just by walking around. Her talent is wasted by her constant, pathetic need for attention. High school is over, dude. You already got back at your haters just by being Lady Gaga; now focus on the creative process and keep making your awesome dance hits.
Idiot.
COURTNEY LOVE
I still love Live Through This. In an era when grunge was dominated by the boys, Hole’s second album taught me that women could shake up the music industry as well. I kind of ignored the fact that the album was most likely written (uncredited) by Kurt Cobain and wore the shit out of that CD.
Later, after Cobain’s untimely death and the subsequent demise of Nirvana, Hole released Celebrity Skin, which was radically different from their first effort. It wasn’t BAD, just almost contradictory. Its sound was decidedly pop, whereas Live Through This had been able to rock out with the likes of Nirvana, Alice In Chains, STP and the rest. This just added fuel to the rumors that Courtney Love hadn’t penned any of the songs on the last album. Although reviews for both albums were generally favorable, a lot of the band’s fans were disappointed with the follow-up.
Of course, we now know Courtney Love better for becoming a monumental fuck-up. She’s since lost custody of her daughter, who won’t even speak to her (she reportedly lives with Cobain’s family) and posts asinine rants on Twitter that have so many grammatical errors I don’t even know where to look.
The saddest thing about Courtney Love is that she could have been a principal contribution to the history of music, and now she’s just a joke.
The file name for this picture was actually "disgracefully." Yup, sounds about right.
Kurt Cobain has been gone almost 20 years already. God, I’m so old.
GWEN STEFANI
Seriously? You’re 40. Stop.
There’s the Auralversary Edition of Aural Sex. I have no clue what I’m going to do for next month’s next post, so uh, suggestions (and dollar bills) welcome.
This post comes to you from Amishtown, PA. For those of you that don’t know Mandy Moore or the shitstorm that’s taking place in her life right now, I’ll keep this brief by saying that she needed me this weekend, so I’m here.
My first few weeks back East have not gone exactly the way I expected them to. The day I arrived in New York, my mom sat me down and let me know that my grandmother would be taken off life support the next morning.
I don’t have the kind of extended family that relishes in each others’ company- Grandma was the peacekeeper, and I knew that after the service, there were some (a lot) of people that I would likely never see again. Luckily, my mother and my brothers made the situation a little smoother- we were all trying to be strong for each other, especially my mom, who had to host the funeral at the same place her father was buried. To make things more difficult for her, her cat was put to sleep just a few days later. I assisted in most of the arrangements, although my aunt later remarked that I was falling apart more than anyone else.
I was definitely not prepared for this, and what frightened me the most was that I had no idea how to deal. I’ve been fortunate enough to live this long without having to cope with tragedy or loss. I never knew my mother’s father, and my grandfather on my dad’s side had died almost fifteen years ago. I’d buried a few pets in my lifetime, but that didn’t compare to this. My grandmother had been a very special part of my life- we were extremely close, and I considered her a friend. I took the news as well as one might expect- I sat in shock for a few minutes and then spent the next week acting like a complete asshole.
What hit me the hardest was when I went to the funeral home to schedule everything and make arrangements. The director asked my mother and my aunt who should be put down as the “Next of Kin,” and I realized that someday, my brothers and I would go through this process ourselves. My mom grabbed my hand, and I was unable to squeeze back.
To make the situation worse, my friends back East are- how can I put this?- unresponsive. It took them all a few days to get back to me, and I haven’t heard from them again after that. I understand that everyone has their own lives, and I respect that. However, if someone you care about loses a piece of themselves, would it take that much out of you to send a text every couple of days? Especially if you have the time to post pictures of your club-hopping on Facebook (I wasn’t invited, BTW)? These are people I’ve known for years, and I am so disappointed in their reactions.
In order to cope with my swirling emotions, I posted a thread on 20sb. This isn’t like me- I’m not one to whore out my sympathy on the Internet. I didn’t post my grandmother’s passing on Facebook, or Twitter, or send out a mass email, or ask any of my friends to attend the service. I did call Bad Monkey, my best friend in LA, who’s been corresponding with me steadily, sent my family a card and is even coming to visit me next week. She was upset that she couldn’t afford to fly out sooner, but just hearing her voice has been enough for me.
My 20sb posting wasn’t to garner empathy for myself or to let people know what was going on. I just had never had to deal with a sadness this heavy and I was frightened and confused by its effect. This wasn’t like sadness- that I knew how to cope with. I’m sad every time the Jets lose the AFC Championship, or when my brother eats the last spoonful of mashed potatoes. Grief is a mixture of depression, nausea and fear, and it was alien to me.
I didn’t want to burden my mom, who was coping with her own feelings, and my friends who lived closest to me were of no help, so I turned to the next logical candidates.
The reaction I received was overwhelming. I knew that my blogoverse friends (I’m not going to distinguish you guys from “IRL” because, and let’s be honest here, most of you have already crossed that line) would offer consolation, but I had no idea that your responses would leave this much of an impact. I was offered pages of advice on how to handle my dejection and mental anguish. People I’d never even spoken to or seen before posted their condolences. Coyote Tits started a “Worship Wednesday” thread where my friends wrote hilarious epic poems on my behalf (seriously, check this shit out. It is ridiculous). Shelly took over the posting of the Movie Review Blogring for the month because I didn’t want to leave my family alone to find an Internet connection. Mandy offered to come to the funeral, and Sara Nips mailed me a bouquet of lilies and a card. When I called and left her a pussy, sobbing voice mail about what an amazing person she was, Nips told me later that my phone call made her cry. Are you serious, Nips? This is why everyone loves you. If I were any more butch (and weren’t into penis), I would totally force Andy into a leprechaun narwhal fight. Winner take all- I’m chivalrous, yo.
The most valuable piece of advice that I’ve gotten from all of this came from a bunch of my friends on 20sb, and they all told me the the same thing. I was warned that grief is a real bitch. It’s going to surface when I least expect it, and it might take weeks, months, or I don’t even want to think about how long. This is really fucking with my head because I have yet to experience a complete mental breakdown. I haven’t cried yet, at least not fully, and I can’t figure out why. I hate that I have no idea when this is going to strike, or what the trigger is going to be. Vulnerability has never been an option for me, and this is not a change I’m willing to adapt to.
I guess in order to prepare for all of this I’ll have to realize that I can’t prepare. I’ve finally decided to stop trying to “be strong” for everybody else and let myself go through the mourning process. I’ve spent a lot of time with my mom, looking through pictures and letting her tell stories. I spent a few nights at my brothers’ house. I’ve been bequeathed with my grandmother’s Chai, which I now wear as a charm around my neck.
I’m cognizant of the fact that grief will sneak up on me and slam my back against a wall, and when it happens, I won’t argue. I’ll see it as another connection to somebody everybody loved- even the maintenance men in her building, her pharmacist and her hairdresser wanted to be guests at the funeral.
I wrote this post not only as a form of therapy, but to express my gratitude to everybody who’s helped me get through this past month. Thank you to those who I didn’t mention by name, who took the time to leave me Facebook and Twitter messages, texts, emails, and however else you chose to convey your compassion (especially those of you who kept checking up on me for weeks after the fact). There were far too many of you to single out, and I feel terrible that I couldn’t get to you all. But just know that whoever says that 20sb is not a community and that we all don’t genuinely have each other’s backs is getting a throat punch from me.
Thank you to those who still follow me, even though this blog fell by the wayside while I had the shit kicked out of me emotionally.
Thank you to my family, for obvious reasons. I’m a lot more solid because of your support.
And most importantly, thank you to my grandmother. She’s the reason for this entire post, and she’s also partly responsible for the entire foundation of my personality (Brooklynese, FTW!). Thanks Grandma, for everything I know about life, love, and most significantly, loss.
It’s been a long-ass time since I checked my wallet and realized that I was stupidly low on cash. So of course I decided to take a weekend road trip (HOORAY FOR POVERTY!). I commissioned Ginntastic and let her know I was in dire need of some toxic refreshments, and it took her all of two seconds to give me a when and where.
I got in on Friday, and our Vodkatronic weekend took effect immediately. Ginntastic and her cousin Ale-xis took me to Dick’s, a seafood place where the waitresses make fun of you and make you wear penis hats. I should totally work there.
The best part about Dick’s (besides the moniker, of course), was that the guy performing the awful Dave Matthews covers was seriously loaded.
PS- not to get all dramatic and mushy on you guys, because I’m so not like that, but Fanueil Hall is beautiful at night. If you haven’t been there, you really should go.
So, yeah. We also met this guy who was in totally in love with Ale-xis and followed her so closely all night she could feel his breath on her face. Not cool, A-hole. He looked like the Mad Magazine guy on a three-day coke bender if he’d just run a marathon. Try to picture that without dry-heaving.
So that was my low-key Friday. Saturday was spent pretending we were back in college, and by that I mean sleeping ’til three, having pizza for “breakfast,” and not going to class. Ginntastic introduced me to Boston’s Channel 38, which plays a spectacular array of food porn. I swear that you have never seen cakes that look as amazing as the shit I saw on those shows. We stared slackjawed at the TV until it was time to get ready to go out with Ale-xis and a couple of her ridiculously hot and awesome friends.
I don’t remember shit about Saturday night as a whole (haha… “hole”), but there’s some funny stuff that went down that’s forever sealed in my brain thanks to Facebook. I do remember that we bar-hopped until last call and that the pictures that I have show us getting progressively more hammered as the night wore on. Probably because we had Ben & Jerry’s milkshakes for dinner. YES.
Classy as shit, yo.
PS- Check out Gin’s “come over here” face.
The Harvard bar we started out at was actually a lot cooler than I expected. First of all, I didn’t think people at Harvard actually ventured off campus, but most of them were wasted (and, like, 11 years old. Am I really that ancient? I guess so, because I was ready for feetie pajamas at around 1am). Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I asked them to do math problems or something while they were drunk? “Add the shots in this drink! HAHAHA!”
All the specialty drinks were named after awesome songs, like the Sex Pistols’ “Pretty Vacant,” and since we knew all this (or because we were taking semi-pornographic shots with my camera), the bartender was pretty into us. So, sobriety… that was an interesting concept.
Bartender of the Year? Perhaps.
In between downing shots and Facebook sexting with Mandy Moore, we did manage to meet a copious amount of tools. One of the guys that came over to talk to me mentioned that he loved live music, so I gave him my card and told him I know when a lot of shows are. This guy had NO shot with me or any of my friends, but I figured I would network. At 2am, I got a call from this tool accusing me of having a fake number. Uh, you’re actually talking to me, and I gave you my fucking business card, so how about you’re retarded? Also, you look like a rabbit on steroids. FAIL.
BTW, I have never heard so many Boston accents in my life as I did at that bar- and I’ve been to Red Sox games. It was hilarious.
After our 3am snack of- what else?- CRUNCHY NUGGETS!- we finally hit the sack.
I got super excited and a little turned on when I woke up later and there was a tiny hand on my boob, but it turned out it was just her cat. The last time I felt a nose on my leg was like, a year and a half ago, though, so I’ll take it.
When Gin dropped me off at the bus on Sunday it was fucking nuts how sad I was to leave. When I do eventually have to go back to LA I’m going to be totally devastated, but let’s not think about that right now.
BTW, Ale-xis recently started a blog herself. She’s a little nervous about how she’ll be received because she’s dyslexic and her grammatical skills aren’t great, but to those that have the nerve to say anything, Go Fuck Yourself. Her blog actually has the word “dyslexic” in the title, which makes anyone who comments on her mistakes an idiot. The only reason I’m not going to link to it here is because she has pictures up from this weekend, and I’m still pretending I’m totally anonymous and not friends with 2/3 of you on Facebook, but I really admire her for putting herself out there on the Interwebs. Actually, I’m considering having her guest post for me. I’m in your corner, Dude!
This month marks a Very Special Aural Sex because it’s somebody’s anniversary!
It sure as hell isn’t mine- I’ve been wallowing in fear and frustration dating myself for the past year. I call it “masturdating.” Thanks for assuming that I would at least appeal to somebody, though.
Anyway, 15 years ago, Empire Records was born. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it’s only one of the greatest films of all time. And, also, what the fuck is the matter with you? You fail at life.
Empire Records is centered around the employees of a CD store that’s under the threat of being sold to an evil corporate conglomerate. The characters are like an extended family, and in the mid-90’s when Sam Goody was the chief hangout for my friends and I, I was envious of every single one of them.
The movie has a kick-ass soundtrack and a cast featuring the likes of Renee Zellweger, Liv Tyler, Anthony LaPaglia, Debi Mazar, Robin Tunney, Ethan Embry, and pretty much 2/3 of everyone who was a virtual unknown in the 90’s but now has at least some sort of fledgling career (in the movie’s defense, you can blame Jerry Maguire, not this one, for Renee Zellweger’s anteater face constantly bombarding the big screen).
When the film was originally released, it was a box office disaster and a critical bomb. Even now, it stands at a 24% on Rotten Tomatoes. However, movie and music nerds are no idiots, and we know a sure thing when we see one. Empire Records is a brilliant marriage of cinema and tunes, and it’s luckily managed to find it’s home on the shelves and iPods of entertainment geeks everywhere.
In order to glorify the occasion, this month’s Aural Sex celebrates the union of song and screen- the soundtrack. I’ve compiled my Top 25 most impressive collaborations.
Because I’m anal that way (and ONLY in that way, you fucking pervs!), they’re all grouped into categories to make it easier for you (and me). Also, just for your entertainment, I threw in a few TV shows that make excellent use of the tune-age as well.
Despite what most reviews had to say about the film, I thought it was pretty enjoyable. Jennifer’s Body suffered from poor marketing, and most people went expecting a horror movie, not a dark comedy.
Regardless, the soundtrack’s producers definitely nailed the soundtrack. Brought to life by Goldfinger’s John Feldmann and Paramore’s Hayley Williams, the Jennifer’s Body companion CD combined popular power-pop with up-and-coming electropop and rock.
The soundtrack also included a track from Low Shoulder, the fake band from the movie. The song brings new levels to the word suck, but you should download it anyway because it’s pretty funny. Not included on the CD is “Violet,” one of my favorite songs by Hole, which shows up at the end of the film but for some reason didn’t make the cut.
When this movie first came out I was psyched for my senior year and the graduation party that would follow (note: it wasn’t anything like that). The music on this CD is really, REALLY good, even if the actual “high school” depiction is a little off base.
Not Another Teen Movie’s soundtrack put a new twist on the 80’s compilation by having current artists cover tracks from the era of coke and day-glo. Some of them are epic fails (Good Charlotte’s massacre of OMD? NO.), but most of them go over pretty well.
The movie itself, BTW, is a hilarious parody of essentially every teen movie from the last thirty years. Bonus- Mr. T shows up as the “wise janitor.” Anything involving Mr. T automatically gets extra points.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Blue Monday”- Orgy (originally performed by New Order)
“Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want”- Muse (originally performed by The Smiths)
“Never Let Me Down Again”- Smashing Pumpkins (originally performed by Depeche Mode)
“Bizarre Love Triangle”- Stabbing Westward (originally performed by New Order)
“99 Red Balloons”- Goldfinger (originally performed by Nena)
“Somebody’s Baby”- Phantom Planet (originally performed by Jackson Browne)
“Prom Tonight”- (written by Ben Folds and performed hysterically by the cast.)
This is possibly the most well-known- and well-received- soundtrack of the 80’s. It doesn’t matter that Simple Minds never had another hit- that band is fucking set for life. I don’t know anyone that doesn’t associate that song with the movie- or vice versa.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Don’t You (Forget About Me)”- Simple Minds
“Fire in the Twilight”- Wang Chung
“Waiting”- E.G. Daily
For an updated version of “Don’t You,” download Yellowcard’s 2005 version. I have to say, it’s not that bad.
Speaking of 80’s compilations, I love The Wedding Singer because despite pleading from my family, friends and various pets, I can’t give up my addiction to hair metal, cheesy pop or power ballads. Everything about this movie is SO 80’s, including the clothing. Seriously- there’s even a Rubik’s Cube.
Some advice- ignore the cast recording of the atrocious musical adaptation that was on Broadway for like, twelve minutes. That was just a ghastly mistake.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Video Killed the Radio Star”- The Presidents of the United States of America
“Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic”- The Police
”How Soon Is Now?”- The Smiths
“White Wedding”- Billy Idol
“China Girl”- David Bowie
“Blue Monday”- New Order
Later that year, The Wedding Singer Volume 2: More Music From The Motion Picture was released, with even more epic eighties-ness. Here’s some good shit for you to add to your iTunes:
“It’s All I Can Do”- The Cars
“Money (That’s What I Want)”- The Flying Lizards
“You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)”- Dead Or Alive
“Just Can’t Get Enough”- Depeche Mode
“Holiday”- Madonna
For some reason, even though Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” is in the movie, some assclown decided not to put it on either soundtrack. I’ve learned to accept this and am slowly coming to terms with my boiling resentment.
This is such a great soundtrack because I grew up with the grunge scene and listening to it allows me go back to a time when I still had CD’s and a Discman (please say you remember those). Singles takes place during the Seattle music scene when all these bands were just starting to come up, and I was just discovering them, but I actually didn’t see this movie until much later because I was “too young” (whatever). When I finally got to watch it I was around the age of the characters in the movie, so I guess it worked out in my favor.
I don’t have to be embarrassed about including this one- the hair metal is a perfect fit for a film about a guy who’s desperately trying to relive his 80’s glory days. I do love the genre, though. Don’t laugh at me, you jackass!
I will, however, point out that it is a fucking travesty that Bruce Springsteen was personally asked to pen the title track and was then completely shunned by the Academy in favor of three different songs from Slumdog Millionaire. That’s insulting.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Sweet Child O’ Mine”- Guns N’ Roses
“The Wrestler”- Bruce Springsteen
“Round and Round”- Ratt
“Bang Your Head (Metal Health)”- Quiet Riot
“Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)”- Cinderella
Quentin Tarantino has always had a knack for choosing just the right piece of music for a particular scene. I can’t decide which one is more synonymous with which movie- the staccato instrumental that plays over the culmination of the diner robbery in this one, or the Stealers Wheel track in Reservoir Dogs (see below).
The Urge Overkill cover of Neil Diamond’s “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon” is right up there, too. Stupidly, I forgot to include it in my Greatest Covers list.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Miserlou”- Dick Dale (with dialogue from Pumpkin and Honey Bunny)
Reservoir Dogs is second on my list of favorite movies only to Almost Famous. It was Quentin Tarantino’s first film and didn’t gain popularity until after the release of Pulp Fiction, and if you watch the two together you can really sense a pattern in the filmmaking and the choice of music. No one who’s seen Reservoir Dogs has listened to that Stealers Wheel song in the same way ever again.
You know a film is going to have an amazing soundtrack when it’s named after a Led Zeppelin song. Not only is the music great, but the cast is a veritable Wiki page of a bunch of people you can currently see splashed all over the pages of shitty gossip rags like Star (and some that you can’t- Wiley Wiggins, what the fuck?).
Dazed and Confused also stands the test of time, even now- the party in the movie is pretty much like every party I went to in high school, just with more updated outfits.
I haven’t seen this movie in a while because I bought the DVD and then like, a week later, my brother stole it from me (he still claims he doesn’t have it even though I’ve seen it! In his house!).
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Cherry Bomb”- The Runaways
“Tuesday’s Gone”- Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Paranoid”- Black Sabbath
“Slow Ride”- Foghat
In 1994, a second companion CD was released (Even More Dazed and Confused). Here’s some download-worthy shit from that one:
How can I make a category entitled “Cult Classics” and NOT include Rocky Horror? I would probably be torched. Not only do I own this movie, but I’ve also seen the show multiple times, hosted sing-alongs at my house, and dressed up as various characters for Halloween (one of my girlfriends went as Frank once and the costume has thus far been unparalleled). Everyone should not only watch this movie and learn the lyrics to every song, but also master all the dance moves to The Time Warp. Oh, and bring props.
Watch this movie to see Katie Holmes before she was super obnoxious, and listen to the tunes to get that rave feeling without the actual ecstasy. Or the glow sticks.
BTW, the movie is well worth it, too.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“New”- No Doubt (No Doubt debuted this song as a promotional single for the movie, before they released it as a track on Return of Saturn).
“Gangster Tripping”- Fatboy Slim
“Believer”- BT
“Always On The Run”- Lenny Kravitz (written by Kravitz and Slash. Word.)
Trainspotting is one of those films that I should definitely NOT have seen when I originally did, but it’s cool because my parents didn’t find out until years later (I mean… oh. Whoops). Every song on the soundtrack will make you feel like you’re tripping out. It brings new meaning to the phrase “companion CD.”
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Lust For Life”- Iggy Pop
“Trainspotting”- Primal Scream
“Temptation”- New Order
“Perfect Day”- Lou Reed
“Born Slippy (NUXX)”- Underworld
I guess one soundtrack wasn’t enough, because Trainspotting #2: Music from the Motion Picture was released in 1997.
The only beef I have with this movie is that it totally lied to me. I’m still in love with Mark Wahlberg, though, whether that whole thing was fake or not.
Please. Like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Regardless, I still totally air drum to “Sister Christian.”
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Sister Christian”- Night Ranger
“God Only Knows”- The Beach Boys
“Brand New Key”- Melanie
In 1998, Boogie Nights 2: More Music From The Motion Picture was released. Here are the best tracks off of that album for you guys to steal snag off of iTunes:
“Jessie’s Girl”- Rick Springfield
“Mama Told Me (Not To Come)”- Three Dog Night
“You Sexy Thing”- Hot Chocolate (I agree that this song is really annoying. However, picture yourself, bored in your bedroom, dancing around and lip-synching. Yeah, I thought so.
Not that I’ve ever done that. Or anything like that.
The Who’s Tommy is solely and directly responsible for my die-hard appreciation of classic rock. I almost grew up a theater kid, but as soon as my parents took me to Tommy I went completely in the other direction. The Acid Queen scared the fuck out of me, but since I was around six years old I had no idea what the “acid” part was referring to; I just thought the music kicked major amounts of ass. The Who is still on my Top 10 list of bands, and Tommy is still in heavy rotation on my playlist.
“The Acid Queen” live:
There’s also an excellent Tommy reference in Almost Famous. I’ll stop going on about that movie because I promise to be really obnoxious about it later.
Originally released as a soundtrack to the movie, A Hard Day’s Night is actually The Beatles’ third studio album. It’s also one of their best, and on almost every reviewer’s Greatest Soundtracks list. It’s also one of the only times I haven’t laughed at the word “hard.”
I had to include this because I’m so fanatical about Led Zeppelin. My vintage concert T-shirt went through the wash so many times that it actually disintegrated and I cried (true story). I don’t own this soundtrack because I’m broke and spent my last coinage on Lost Season Six, but my birthday is coming up, in case you guys love me that much.
I can’t pick out which tracks are superior, so just do yourself a favor, download the entire thing, and let your lighter do the rest. Not that I advocate that sort of thing. Oh no.
(Check this out: The Amazon link refers to them as a “blues-rock outfit.” No, but nice try.)
Given that it’s the festival that defined an entire generation, it’s only fitting that it would have a collection of tracks that everybody who was alive back then (and even people that weren’t) still eargasm over.
Let’s ignore the fact that the last movie blew ass and that this supposed “re-boot” they’re currently threatening is stupid. The first Spider-Man (and it is “Spider-Man,” with a hyphen, not “Spiderman”) is still one of the highest grossing pictures of all time and proved that superhero movies didn’t have to be retarded.
The soundtrack showcased current rock tracks from artists both well-known and on their way up. The dude from Nickelback is on there, too, but try to ignore that.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“When It Started”- The Strokes
“Learn to Crawl”- Black Lab
“Hate to Say I Told You So”- The Hives
“Shelter”- Greenwheel”
“She Was My Girl”- Jerry Cantrell
“Bother”- Corey Taylor
“My Nutmeg Phantasy” (Tom Morello Mix)- Macy Gray f. Angle Stone and Mos Def
The music used in Romeo & Juliet was so innovative because the dialogue was still Shakespearean, but everything else was kept in the present day. It actually worked and made the love and death scenes that much more dramatic.
During the wedding, scene, there’s a beautiful rendition of Prince’s “When Doves Cry” performed by a church choir. It’s not on the soundtrack, but it can be found on the score.
Here’s something weird, as well: I hadn’t seen this movie in years when I was making this list, yet a couple of hours after I decided to include it I found out that they were showing it on Starz. Doesn’t that kind of make you go “Oooh?” No? Just me, then.
Plus: Radiohead!
Also, useless trivia for Lost fans: Mercutio is played by the guy that played Michael. I know that doesn’t change your life or anything, I just thought you’d be interested.
Marie Antoinette uses the same concept as Romeo & Juliet, except this movie has Kirsten Dunst, and it also isn’t that great. The music selection is pretty epic, though. And the party scenes made me really jealous.
Note: I invented a really fun game where I counted how many times you saw Kirsten Dunst’s snaggletooth. I lost track at “a lot.”
Vanilla Sky has the distinction of being the only soundtrack on my list with a truly shitty companion film. I’m a huge Cameron Crowe fan, but even I have to admit that I would only ever watch this again under threat of searing gas pain. Not only is it confusing as fuck, but the cast features Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. How about not?
That being said, the soundtrack is probably one of the best I’ve ever heard. Not only does it have Radiohead, which automatically bumps it up, but there are also songs by Chemical Brothers, Jeff Buckley, Peter Gabriel and two tracks by R.E.M.
Apparently the Academy agrees with me, because they awarded this CD with an Oscar. I guess they ignored the fact that Cameron Diaz sings on it.
Also, I’m not going to tell you what to do or anything, because I’m not a bitch like that (HAHAHAHAHA!), but I would recommend totally bypassing the movie and just listening to the soundtrack. Unless you’re high. Then you might actually understand what the hell is going on.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Everything In Its Right Place”- Radiohead (one of my absolute favorite Radiohead songs EVER)
High Fidelity used its main setting (a record store) to play up the fact that it could really go to town with this music deal- and it did. The soundtrack to this film is a music geek’s wet dream.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Who Loves The Sun”- The Velvet Underground
“Lo Boob Oscillator”- Stereolab
“Shipbuilding”- Elvis Costello and the Attractions
Here it is: my main reason for today’s Aural Sex. I’ve probably seen this movie thirty times, and I still watch it at least a few times a year. Whenever I listen to the soundtrack it takes me back to when I was in junior high, when I had no bills, I didn’t have to work and my friends and I hung out in our own version of Empire Records. I actually saw a bunch of these bands play live over a decade ago and most of them were pretty badass.
If you haven’t had the chance to watch this flick yet, do it. You are seriously missing out.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Til I Hear It From You”- Gin Blossoms
“A Girl Like You”- Edwyn Collins
“Liar”- The Cranberries
“Crazy Life”- Toad the Wet Sprocket
“Circle of Friends”- Better Than Ezra
“Whole Lotta Trouble”- Cracker
“Sugarhigh”- Coyote Shivers
Here are some more awesome songs that are in the movie that didn’t make the soundtrack cut:
There are a lot of reasons that Almost Famous is my favorite movie of all time (for most of them, go here). The use of music in the film changed my life, and the way director Cameron Crowe and his wife Nancy Wilson utilized “Tiny Dancer” hit nerves in my body I didn’t even know I had.
To this day, the companion CD to Almost Famous remains the most played of my collection.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Tiny Dancer”- Elton John
“I’ve Seen All Good People”- Yes
“That’s The Way”- Led Zeppelin
“Sparks”- The Who
“I’m Waiting For The Man”- David Bowie
If that doesn’t convince you, here’s a list of some more of the artists used in the film that weren’t included on the soundtrack (I couldn’t even fit everything):
The Stooges
Black Sabbath
Jethro Tull
Joni Mitchell
Neil Young and Crazy Horse
The Guess Who
Fleetwood Mac
Deep Purple
Steely Dan
MC5
Jimi Hendrix
And a shit-ton more of Led Zep. If you’re still questioning why I put this compilation in the spot that I did you are hereby banned from this blog.
TV IS PEOPLE TOO! (OR SOMETHING)
2007-Present, NBC
When Lost ended, Chuck was elevated to my Favorite TV Program slot. It’s an action/comedy/drama/spy series that I can’t even fit into one category, so I’m just going to tell you to watch it or I will be pissed. It’s on Mondays at 8pm on NBC. There’s nothing else on then, anyway, unless you’re a fan of Dancing With the Tards.
Chuck is the brainchild of Josh Schwartz, former head of The O.C. (he also created the television incarnation of Gossip Girl, but I guess I can forgive him for that). He hired music supervisor Alex Patsavas for this show, as well, and one of the two of them had the genius idea to include Cake’s “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” in the beginning of every episode of Chuck as the opening title sequence. Not only is it a great song but it’s perfect for the themes of the show (Cake is worth checking out, too).
There’s also a hilarious “band” in the series in the characters of “Jeffster”- two complete morons who think that they’re hot shit and steal every scene they’re in. Here’s the “Jeffster” music video:
There’s not a ton of music featured on Chuck, but when it is, it’s definitely notable.
2003-2010, CBS
The interesting element of Cold Case was that every episode took place in a different year, so the music was always diverse. In the span of a month the show would feature 30’s swing to 60’s psychedelia to shit that came out a week ago. The show would also use costumes and props that fit with the era and black-and-white film when the situation called for it.
Cold Cases’ downfall was its unfortunate CBS timeslot of Sunday at 10pm. Not only was it often pre-empted due to NFL football, but it often took a backseat due to that shitfestUndercover Boss. No wonder it was ultimately cancelled.
In 2008, CBS released a soundtrack, so you can get a sense of its diverse musical elements.
2003-2007, FOX
Before it was soaked up into the laughable world of irrelevance, The O.C. broke a ton of artists and had a lot of indie music cred. During its second season, all-ages nightclub The Bait Shop was introduced as a way to get musical acts to perform.
The O.C. featured artists such as The Killers, Modest Mouse, Death Cab and The Subways, and even had an entire episode dedicated to a Rooney concert. Bands such as Beastie Boys, U2 and Beck even premiered new singles on the show. I beefed up my iPod due to The O.C.
Producer Josh Schwartz and music supervisor Alex Patsavas later went on to work together on Gossip Girl and Chuck.
The O.C. released six soundtracks, including an album to commemorate their made-up holiday of Chrismukkah. I would recommend checking out a list of music featured on the show and working your way up from there.
1997-2003, THE WB/UPN
Buffy, the Vampire Slayer was my favorite show all through high school and some time afterward. I still watch all the marathons even though I own all the DVD’s and can recite some of the episodes backwards and forwards and know them all by title within three seconds of the opening sequence. I don’t want to hear any shit- that show is a classic and a lot of critics and most of the sci-fi community feel the same way, so fuck you, too!
Anyway.
There are actually three companion CD’s- one is a soundtrack for the musical episode and the other two were released as compilations for the show itself. The first Buffy soundtrack, released in 1999, is awesome and every song on it rules. “The Buffy/Angel Love Theme” still chokes me up.
If I absolutely HAD to pick the best tracks off the album, I guess I would go with these:
“Temptation Waits”- Garbage
“Strong”- Velvet Chain
“I Quit”- Hepburn
“Keep Myself Awake”- Black Lab
“Nothing But You”- Kim Ferron
“Wild Horses”- The Sundays (This is also on my list of Greatest Covers)
“Charge”- Splendid
2005-Present, THE WB/CW
I cannot believe this show has not yet released a soundtrack. The music is ridiculous.
Despite being on a channel for eleven-year-olds, Supernatural features a shit-ton of classic rock- actually, that’s pretty much all the music it has on there. Creator Eric Kripke is apparently an enormous fan of The Zep, but they’re too expensive, so he prefers to name certain episodes after their songs instead (I’ll take it). There was one fantastic moment in the show where my husband Dean Winchester was boning some girl and it was underscored with Blind Faith. I love Steve Winwood, so I flipped out.
Supernatural has, by far, the best soundtrack of any show on television, regardless of whether it’s been made available to the public or not. It’s probably a legal issue or a money issue, but I own all of the songs on the show anyway so I guess it’s not really that big of a deal.
PS- Would you bang Dean Winchester or what?
That does it for this month’s Aural Sex. If you feel inclined to check out my picks, let me know what you think, and as always, if you want to pick a fight, leave your comments below. Keep in mind, though, that I weigh like four pounds so you will definitely win and you won’t have any bragging rights or anything.
Today was a big day for me. Despite riding the unemployment train, I actually had some stuff planned. It’s Friday the 13th, and every time one of those comes up, I make it a point to watch the movie (the real one, not the stupid, shitty one that just came out). I usually watch the original Friday the 13th, which, let’s be honest, is the only one that doesn’t suck, and sometimes I throw in Freddy vs. Jason if the mood hits.
It was also an interesting opening weekend for the cinematic box office. There are three big films that came out today, all geared towards a different demographic. I’m intrigued as to what’s going to take this one.
The movie that most of my girlfriends are tweaking out over is Eat, Pray, Love, that nauseating Julia Roberts movie that the studio had better hope makes a shit-ton of cash because of all the promo they’ve done. I personally can’t stand Julia Roberts because she never shuts up about how great her life is and how everyone should love her even though she’s done the same movie over and over for the last fifteen years.
I really hope this doesn’t claim the number one spot on Monday, but I kind of angrily suspect that it will. The only reason I’m looking forward to Eat, Pray, Love releasing into theaters is that the sooner it comes out, the sooner it leaves, and we never have to hear about it again.
Except for the DVD release. Shit, I forgot about that.
Anyway, I’m waiting for a movie called Eat, Sleep, Fuck. I’d definitely go to see that. Especially the “sleep” part- that’s where I’m a Viking.
There’s also a movie that’s specifically geared towards dudes and that’s The Expendables. I actually want to see this and that’s due to the fact that my boyfriend, Jason Statham, is in it. He of course doesn’t know he’s my boyfriend. I might decide to tell him eventually, but I like my relationships to have that element of surprise.
I might go see this next weekend, but I’m a little apprehensive. I went to the last Rocky and the whole time I was looking at Stallone like, “Dude, you’re sixty. Please, just stop.” I was a little scared for him, like he might break a hip. I might decide to wait and just Netflix it or something so I can fast-forward to whenever Jason Statham is on the screen without his shirt on, because you know that’s going to be in there.
For me, of course, this weekend’s major release (pun intended) was the nerd epic Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. I prepared for this movie like it was a first date or a job interview. Last night I went to Fandango and checked for the earliest possible showtime, then picked out my Karate Kid t-shirt to wear to the movie to proudly display my geek solidarity. I woke up at 9am to get to the 11:00 show 45 minutes early to make sure it wasn’t sold out. Since I had almost an hour to kill, I stopped at Barnes & Noble to pick up a fantasy football guide because it’s almost time to set up my team.
I got a few good trailers- including one for Devil, the upcoming M. Night Shyamalan movie. It looked pretty cool until I saw the “M. Night Shyamalan” part. That ruined it for me. His movies blow.
There was also a preview for that stupid Drew Barrymore movie with the guy from the Mac ads. Normally I can’t stomach her and her dumbass chick flicks but this one has Charlie from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. That’s the funniest show on TV right now, so while he’s not enough to make me pay 12 bucks, I might rent the DVD when it comes out two weeks after the movie hits theaters and inevitably bombs.
So, Scott Pilgrim.
I almost lost my shit when the movie opened with an 80′s-Nintendo version of the Universal Pictures logo, complete with the music. Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) is in a band, and the lead singer is named Stephen Stills. I was the only one in the theater who laughed at that- did no one else get that reference? Even Moviefone’s article, “Every Scott Pilgrim Video Game & Pop Culture Reference,” missed that one, too. I refuse to believe that I was the nerdiest person watching that movie. Either that, or I’m just REALLY getting old.
Anyway, Scott Pilgrim is stocked with geeker joy- not only is it based on the second in a series of graphic novels, but the whole movie is a gigantic 80′s video game, complete with sound effects and animation. It reminded me of when I used to kick ass at Super Mario Bros., Duck Hunt and Mortal Kombat. Two of Ramona Flowers’ (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) evil exes are played by two big names in the world of movie superheroes (Brandon Routh is a former Superman; meanwhile, Chris Evans was Johnny Storm in Fantastic Four and just hit the jackpot with his casting as Captain America- don’t even get me started on that one, BTW). Not only that, but the soundtrack is amazing- the music was written by Beck, Broken Social Scene and The Pixies.
The opinions on Scott Pilgrim have been mostly favorable, but I’ve read a few of them that seem to have been written by reviewers who just don’t have any business watching movies in this genre. Anyone who refers to Scott Pilgrim vs. The World as a “comic book movie” clearly doesn’t get it- there’s a distinguishable difference between comics and graphic novels. Comics are stapled together like magazines and are mostly found only in comic stores and newsstands, whereas graphic novels are bound like books and are longer, and are generally sold in bookstores and specialty stores as well as comic shops and OH MY GOD I just found another reason why I’m single.
Anyway, the best part about Scott Pilgrim,besides the fact that it was obviously made specifically for losers like myself who are always anxious to embrace their love of 80′s geekdom, is that it’s one in a series, so if this movie does well, which I’m guessing it will, chances are that there could be sequels. I will be at every single one of them, on opening day. Nerd-tastic FTW!
I’m interrupting our regularly scheduled music programming to bring you an awesome gooey treat. A few blog posts ago I gave an award to Dan at From the Head of the Danaconda and it took him this long to acknowledge it (thanks a lot. A-hole). I can’t be that pissed though, because this was how he thanked me over at his place:
I don’t know her name and I don’t know if I should. She gave me an award just for being me. It kind of gave me a boner. Her blog is fun and eclectic and she’s a Jew from New York who shares my appreciation for disgust.
Those of you that know me are aware that I’ve been the cause of (and solution to) quite the shitload of boners, most of them regrettable, but this is the first one that has made me feel all warm inside without having to take care of a hefty gyno bill later. Dan is up for Featured Blogger for September at 20 Something Bloggers, so if you’re a member get over there and vote for him. NOW. Don’t make me bullwhip you… unless you like that.
PS- Dan- you’ll eventually find out my name. I’m planning my homecoming where you make your requisite appearance, so I figure you’ll probably need that detail. Oh, and I also bit the balls and got Formspring (there’s a link on the homepage), so if anyone really needs to know anything about my personal life that badly, I guess you can always just ask. Don’t be a stalker though!
Now on to the tunes!
Lately I’ve been listening to A LOT of Shiny Toy Guns, the band made famous by their covers of cheesy 80′s tunes for the Lincoln car company, and they inspired this month’s post on Most Awesome Covers. Qualifications include how hard the band doesn’t suck, how their version holds up to the original, and in some cases, cultural significance.
I also don’t want any shit about Whitney Houston or The Dixie Chicks. I really, really hate those two versions and refuse to put them on this list. I’m giving you my favorite covers, not chart toppers. Go to Billboard for that.
PS- I must say that it was really fucking obnoxious finding all the videos for these. It took me upwards of two days to write this post, and that’s why it’s going up so late. I’m not kidding. So don’t complain about the quality.
Anyway, here are the Top 40 Greatest Cover Songs, according to me:
RICHIE KOTZEN- Sara Smile (this version is from May 2010)
Richie is actually a family friend who’s an accomplished session and touring musician. He’s also obsessed with Hall & Oates and has been performing this at his live shows for years. I’m not a Hall & Oates fan, but I have to say, after listening to the two versions side by side, it’s pretty fucking close. If you get the chance, you should check out his other Youtube stuff- he writes his own material too. Try to ignore the outfits though- some of the videos are from the 80′s.
The original- Sara Smile
Written by Daryl Hall and John Oates
Performed by HALL & OATES, 1976
THE MELVINS- The Green Manalishi (1999)
I threw this one in for my brother. He’s a massive Melvins fan and asked me to acknowledge this version of the classic Fleetwood Mac song when I told him I was doing a post on my favorite covers. It is pretty good, actually. I love when artists from another genre interpret a song in an entirely different way- it leaves room for a new audience to discover the band.
My brother is an incredibly talented musician in his own right with a moderately successful unsigned band, and while we definitely don’t share the same musical taste (that’s putting it mildly), I do respect his opinion and will always promote what he suggests.
The original- The Green Manalishi
Written by Peter Green
Performed by FLEETWOOD MAC, 1970
BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD & CHER- I Got You Babe (1993)
I had to put this in because it’s hilarious. Just check out the video. This was in 1993, so Cher was about 107 years old, and she actually re-recorded the song with Beavis and Butthead and is talking to them like they’re actual people. I laughed my ass off.
The best part is when they insult Sonny Bono and call him a “dork” and a “wuss” and Cher is like, “well, kinda, yeah.” I also love when Beavis sings the musical interludes. This might be the greatest cover of all time.
There’s a rumor that MTV is working on bringing this show back. This needs to happen. I’m 100% serious when I say that I will start a petition and mail it to MTV.
The original- I Got You Babe
Written by Sonny Bono
Performed by SONNY & CHER, (1965)
BEN FOLDS- Such Great Heights (this video was from May 2010)
Ben Folds is interesting because he’s so eclectic. He wrote that funny prom song for Not Another Teen Movie and encompasses multiple genres. The Postal Service is one of my favorite bands (they’re on this list too- keep reading), so I was really excited by this cover.
The original- Such Great Heights
Written by Ben Gibbard and Jimmy Tamborello
Performed by THE POSTAL SERVICE, (2003)
THE ATARIS- The Boys of Summer (2003)
This a superior punk cover of an already good pop song from the 80′s. I especially love how they add a modern twist by changing the band reference to “Black Flag”- it showed their influence, and I’m always down with that. When I love both versions, I have to put the song on the list.
The original- TheBoys of Summer
Written by Don Henley and Mike Campbell
Performed by DON HENLEY, 1984
INCUBUS- Turning Japanese (live shows)
Forget for a second that this song is most likely about rubbing one out. This is the complete opposite of The Ataris cover because in this case, I happen to think the original sucks, but I’m an Incubus fan and I really like a lot of their stuff. Another one of my criteria for a great cover is that it makes me look at a tune in a different way, and this version does. So, nice work there.
The original- Turning Japanese
Written and performed by THE VAPORS, (1980)
ORGY- Blue Monday (1998)
This one just kicks ass. It amps up New Order’s 80′s new wave-goth vibe just a little bit and takes it thatmuch over the edge.
The original- Blue Monday
Written by Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook, Stephen Morris and Gillian Gilbert
Performed by NEW ORDER, 1983
CAKE- I Will Survive (1996)
The original is already kind of cool because it’s an anthem for women as well as gay men, but Cake played around with it and added their own spin. Also, they put in a bunch of swear words, and we all know how I’m totally against that.
The original- I Will Survive
Written by Freddie Perren and Dino Fekaris
Performed by GLORIA GAYNOR, 1978
SID VICIOUS- My Way (1978)
I love the Sex Pistols. Not only are they an icon of punk, but they’re also a marketing scheme that actually worked. Sid Vicious is a fucking nutcase, and his version of this Sinatra classic proves that. The dude can’t sing at all, but that doesn’t stop him.
There are two other noteworthy versions of this track. One is from the iconic punk film Sid & Nancy, with Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious. This can also be considered a great cover in its own right:
The other one is from the Buffy, the Vampire Slayer TV show, which ran my life while it was on the air. I was in love with the Spike character and in one of the episodes there’s a short clip of him getting loaded and singing part of the Sid Vicious version of “My Way.” It’s pretty awesome. Unfortunately I couldn’t find it online. Bitches.
The original English version- My Way
Translated by Paul Anka
Performed by FRANK SINATRA, (1969)
BOW WOW WOW-I Want Candy (1982)
I love this just because the song rocks. The girl is only 15, and you KNOW that’s not a Snickers she’s reaching for. Of course, the first time I heard this song I was like, four, so I head no idea and was like, “Ooh! Chocolate!” Kind of like the first time I heard “I Touch Myself” and I used to run around the house singing it. I was like seven years old or something so I didn’t figure it out until much later, and then I was like, “EH???”
The original- I Want Candy
Written by Bert Berns, Bob Feldman, Jerry Goldstein and Richard Gottehrer
Performed by THE STRANGELOVES, 1965
THE RAMONES- Theme from Spiderman (1995)
This cover is awesome as fuck. It combines two of my greatest loves, the NYC 70′s punk scene and comics, so of course this is making the list. The Ramones are an icon of music and Spiderman is one of my favorite characters, so when I first saw this video I got super excited. Mocking begins… NOW.
BTW, have you ever looked up “spiderman” on Urban Dictionary? It is fucking repulsive.
The original- Theme from Spiderman
Written by Paul Francis Webster and Robert Harris
Performed by various artists
FIONA APPLE- Across the Universe (1998)
Fiona Apple covered this song for the Pleasantville soundtrack, and it’s a beautiful version that really frames the culmination of the movie if you listen to the lyrics. They could have gone with the original Beatles track, but without giving anything away if you haven’t seen it, the fact that they got a newer artist to cover an older song really ties in with the plot. The whole thing works really well, and the film itself is worth watching, too.
The original- Across the Universe
Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
Performed by THE BEATLES, (1969)
DEREK AND THE DOMINOS- Little Wing (1970)
Eric Clapton can do no wrong. That’s all I have to say.
Except for that whole “drug addict deal.” Yeah, that was a real kick in the ass.
The original- Little Wing
Written by Jimi Hendrix
Performed by THE JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE, 1967
OUR LADY PEACE- Tomorrow Never Knows (1996)
Admittedly, not a lot of impressive shit comes out of Canada- they are, after all, responsible for the apocalypse that is Justin Bieber. However, I do occasionally enjoy listening to Our Lady Peace, especially when they churn out lofty Beatles covers like this one. Even though this was released on the soundtrack to The Craft in 1996, there’s just the right amount of modern psychedelia in there to keep the spirit of the 60′s intact. Also, it kind of makes you feel like you just took a bunch of drugs. Word.
The original- Tomorrow Never Knows
Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
Performed by THE BEATLES, 1966
THE WHO- Summertime Blues (1970)
This one is a famous re-do of a shitty 50′s pop song, made incredible by one of my favorite bands of all time, who would later be massacred by Hilary Duff (ugh. More on that later). Just listen to both versions and note the differences.
The original- Summertime Blues
Written by Eddie Cochran and Johnny Capehart
Performed by EDDIE COCHRAN, 1958
VAN HALEN- You Really Got Me (1978)
Both of these versions are two of my favorite rock songs- each of them measures up to the other. As far as Van Halen goes, I lean more towards Hagar than Roth, but this track is easily in their top five.
The first time I heard the Van Halen version was in 1996 in an ad for Nissan. I didn’t even know it was a cover, and then I discovered the Kinks version later. I honestly couldn’t tell you which version I like better, although I do think the commercial is hysterical.
I don’t think I need to reiterate what a huge fan I am of this band. I keep checking to see when they’re playing live so I can sell myself for tickets (UPDATE- August 21st in LA!!!!!). They actually might be best known for their remakes of shitty 80′s songs, but they’re actually accomplished artists with their own catalog. It was tough to pick which of their covers I liked best, but “Major Tom” has a slight edge.
You’ve all seen the commercial for Lincoln, but I’ll post it anyway:
If I hadn’t known this was a Stones tune, I would have thought that The Sundays had penned it themselves. Harriet Wheeler’s vocals are perfect- I actually like this one better than the original. I first heard The Sundays’ adaptation during one of the best and most emotional episodes of Buffy, “The Prom.” The placement was so amazing that again, it seemed like they wrote the song just for that scene. Now whenever I hear it, I get a little knotty inside. Before you make fun of me, check out the clip below.
Look at how perfect it was in the Buffy prom scene. Shut up! You would get it if you actually watched the show religiously like I did.
The original- Wild Horses
Written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
Performed by THE ROLLING STONES, 1971
THE BEATLES- Twist and Shout (1963)
This is another one that I didn’t know was a cover until my mom told me it was. The Beatles version is much, MUCH better than the boring original.
The first time I heard “Twist and Shout” I was ten, and I was watching the parade scene in one of the most incomparable movies ever made, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I’m still jealous of the Ferris character because if I ever pulled any shit like that I would definitely get caught. Anyway, here’s the song in one of the greatest movie scenes of all time.
The original- Twist and Shout
Written by Phil Medley and Bert Russell
Performed by TOP NOTES, 1962
FOO FIGHTERS- Blackbird (live performances)
I couldn’t find a video of the whole performance, but I’ve seen Foo Fighters in concert five or six times already. I’ve seen Dave Grohl perform “Blackbird” on multiple occasions and it’s always incredible.
The original- Blackbird
Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
Performed by THE BEATLES, 1968
Also, here’s a video that has nothing to do with Blackbird, but it’s Dave Grohl, one of my musical idols, recreating Tiny Dancer, one of the most excellent songs of all time, from my favorite movie. A while ago I did a guest post for Allison at My Quarter-Life Crisis on the song that I feel most defines my life, and I so identify with this moment that I had to throw it in.
RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS- Higher Ground (1989)
I’ve loved Red Hot Chili Peppers for years because they’ve managed to shift genres so many times without selling out. This Stevie Wonder cover expertly brings in the funk. PS- Check out the last ten seconds.
The original- Higher Ground
Written and performed by STEVIE WONDER, 1973
GUNS N’ ROSES- Live And Let Die (1991)
Don’t have me killed for saying this, but I’m not a fan of Lennon or McCartney’s solo stuff. This version is better than McCartney’s because it doesn’t make me want to fall asleep, plus any song where I can listen to Slash bring it home works for me.
The original- Live and Let Die
Written by Paul McCartney and Linda McCartney
Performed by PAUL MCCARTNEY AND WINGS, 1973
STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN- Superstition (live performances)
This is another legendary remake of what was already a classic. After listening to them both several times to find a good Youtube video I still don’t know which one I like better.
The original- Superstition
Written and performed by STEVIE WONDER, 1972
SINEAD O’CONNOR- Nothing Compares 2 U (1990)
The first one doesn’t even count. Even the video was an instant classic- it cleaned up at the VMA’s. Play the whole thing- Sinead’s voice wrecks that shit.
The original- Nothing Compares 2 U
Written by Prince
Performed by THE FAMILY, 1985
THE CLASH- I Fought The Law (1979)
The Clash is my favorite band ever. When Joe Strummer died I was depressed for a week. When I remembered that they covered “I Fought The Law” I was ecstatic that I had an excuse just to put them on this list. I got lucky that it happened to be a stellar rendition of a song that blew in the first place- The Clash changed the whole meaning and what it stood for. To this day it remains one of their best.
The original- I Fought The Law
Written by Sonny Curtis
Performed by SONNY CURTIS AND THE CRICKETS, 1959
THE POSTAL SERVICE- Against All Odds (2004)
This one is how I stumbled across The Postal Service- I used to work for a guy that loved them and he played me their cover of this Phil Collins song. It had just come out at the time as part of the soundtrack to Wicker Park, and the electronic effects completely changed the dynamic and made the tune creepy and surreal. It actually made me NOT want Josh Hartnett to wait for me naked in my shower, and that’s saying a lot.
BTW, the New York Post agrees with me- this made their list of the best cover songs of all time.
The original- Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)
Written and performed by PHIL COLLINS, 1984
IKE & TINA TURNER- Proud Mary (1971)
I don’t like Tina Turner’s music at all, but I have to give it to this one. Ike used to regularly beat the shit out of her, and let’s compare the spiral of their careers. And we’re done.
Tina’s version is radically different than Creedence Clearwater Revival’s, but hers is probably better known, and is now used as a feminine anthem. It was also covered on Glee. Sorry, CCR- you’ve been booted.
Also, I have to give props to Tina- she’s like 70 and her body is better than mine. I hope I look like that when I’m old. Only I won’t be black.
The original- Proud Mary
Written by John Fogerty
Performed by CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL, 1969
FAITH NO MORE- Easy (1993); War Pigs (1989)
Yeah, I’m cheating, but I couldn’t leave out either of these. “Easy” shows off Mike Patton’s vocal skills while adding a blend of rock to The Commodores’ original R&B. Meanwhile, their “War Pigs” cover sounds so much like Black Sabbath that it’s almost uncanny. Check out both links and judge for yourself.
Easy:
The original- Easy
Written by Lionel Richie
Performed by THE COMMODORES, 1977
War Pigs:
The original- War Pigs
Written by Tony Iommi, Ozzy Osbourne, Geezer Butler and Bill Ward
Performed by BLACK SABBATH, 1970
THE BANGLES- Hazy Shade of Winter (1987)
Fun (or irrelevant) fact about me: The Bangles were the the first band I ever saw live, when I was three, unless you count Raffi (please don’t). I still think they rock because they were an all-girl band that didn’t dance around in bikinis and played their own instruments and wrote their own songs.
If you watch the Simon & Garfunkel video, it’s really fucking boring. The Bangles revved it up with pop-rock guitars and cymbals and shit like that. When you’re a kid, that’s about as kick-ass as it gets. All my babysitters in the 80′s wanted to be them.
The original- A Hazy Shade of Winter
Written by Paul Simon
Performed by SIMON & GARFUNKEL, 1966
PEARL JAM- Love, Reign O’er Me (2007)
Pearl Jam performed this during VH1 Rock Honors, which I cancelled plans to watch (I’m a loser). Their cover is unbelievable- it sounds just like The Who. I’m very reluctant about Who covers but this definitely does the band justice.
The original- Love, Reign O’er Me
Written by Pete Townshend
Performed by THE WHO, 1973
SMASHING PUMPKINS- Landslide (1994)
Maybe this version is so good because Billy Corgan sounds a lot like Stevie Nicks. I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not. Anyway, when someone mentions “Landslide” covers it’s usually that horrible Dixie Chicks abortion, but this one is clearly the more appropriate choice. The Dixie Chicks eat ass.
The original- Landslide
Written by Stevie Nicks
Performed by FLEETWOOD MAC, 1975
TALKING HEADS- Take Me to the River (1978)
The Talking Heads have become a symbol of punk rock, and this is one of the reasons that their version of “Take Me to the River” holds up just as well as the original. I happen to be more partial to this one, but that’s because I grew up listening to Talking Heads.
Try to forget about that stupid singing fish when you listen to this.
The original- Take Me to the River
Written by Al Green and Mabon “Teenie” Hodges
Performed by AL GREEN, 1974
JEFF BUCKLEY- Hallelujah (1994)
I know this is almost a cop-out considering that this has been redone 17 kajillion times, but when a remake compels me to download the original, it needs to go on a list. Also, this song closed out the night during my recent Massachusetts trip, so I’ll always think about Ginntastic and the rest of my Boston crew whenever I hear it.
The original- Hallelujah
Written and performed by LEONARD COHEN, 1984
JANIS JOPLIN- Piece of My Heart (1968)
This is another case where the teacher has been eclipsed by the student. I thought this was a Janis Joplin piece until I had to look up the 10 worst covers (see below) and found out that she took it from somebody else. There’s a clear winner here, and it’s not Erma Franklin. This is now Janis Joplin’s song. Sorry. FAIL.
The original- Piece of My Heart
Written by Bert Berns, Jerry Ragovoy
Performed by ERMA FRANKLIN, 1967
ERIC CLAPTON- Cocaine (1977)
Eric Clapton is one of the greatest guitar players to ever walk on this Earth. The fact that he’s probably done enough of the substance in the title track to kill a baby elephant just makes his version even more relevant (seriously, how is this guy still alive?). Even if you’re not a musician yourself you have to appreciate his stunning talent.
The original- Cocaine
Written and performed by JJ CALE, 1976
RADIOHEAD feat. SPARKLEHORSE- Wish You Were Here (2009)
I would push any one of you into a flaming cesspool of urine for Radiohead tickets. Considering Thom Yorke could release an entire LP of dogs shitting and I would buy it sight unseen, this was going to go on the list anyway. Luckily for me, it’s actually an excellent cover.
The original- Wish You Were Here
Written by Roger Waters and David Gilmour
Performed by PINK FLOYD, 1975
TODD RUNDGREN- While My Guitar Gently Weeps (2004)
My dad is a huge George Harrison fan and this might be his favorite Beatles song. When I told him my music column this month was about cover songs, he asked me to put this one on the list. I would have done it for him anyway, but check this video out. Todd Rundgren absolutely fucking nails the guitar solo. I mean NAILS it. The vocals sound similar, too- if you look away from the screen you’ll swear you’re actually listening to The Beatles.
I make fun of him all the time, but my dad actually used to be pretty cool. Believe it or not, he used to shred with the best of them, before he got really old and started doing finance shit. I think he still picks up the axe sometimes, when he assumes that I’m not looking.
The original- While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Written by George Harrison
Performed by THE BEATLES, 1968
JEFF BECK & ROD STEWART- People Get Ready (1985)
This song has been covered so many times that I almost don’t want to put it on the list, but Jeff Beck is a guitar prodigy that didn’t even read music. The solo in this piece alone is worth the inclusion. Also, say what you will about Rod Stewart’s music blowing goats (I have proof), but when he and Beck were with Faces, it was the best work of his career, and this reminded us of what could have been. Too bad they want to murder each other.
The original- People Get Ready
Written by Curtis Mayfield
Performed by THE IMPRESSIONS, 1965
JOHNNY CASH- Hurt (2003)
I actually saw Nine Inch Nails perform this live, and their version is pretty outstanding in itself. That being said, even Trent Reznor admits that Cash’s version is better. I even heard that Nine Inch Nails don’t like to perform it anymore. Reznor’s been quoted as saying that he wrote it, but Cash has lived it. It’s true, and you can hear it in Cash’s vocals. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like this version. I love it, and I detest country music.
The original- Hurt
Written by Trent Reznor
Performed by NINE INCH NAILS, 1994
SOCIAL DISTORTION- Ring Of Fire (1990)
Here it is. My absolute favorite cover EVER. Before you give me any shit (like, “are you high? You have Hendrix, Clapton and The Beatles on this list.”), first of all, I have to say, Fuck You. This is my list, and if you have a problem, make your own. Second- no, I’m not high, but if you are, and you’re not sharing, you’re obviously not a loyal follower and get the hell away from my blog.
Third- I grew up listening to grunge and SoCal punk. Social Distortion has been heavy in my rotation for at least the last fifteen years. They’re on tour right now and I’m heartbroken because they’re not coming anywhere near the LA area. But ANYWAY. Social D has managed to take a lauded country song (which even I have to admit isn’t that bad) and completely switch it up. There’s a wall of guitars and heavy drums and it’s all-around bad-ass. Mike Ness screams a lot and sounds really angry. This came out in 1990 and I still listen to it at least twice a week. On the off chance that anyone from Social Distortion’s camp finds this blog, please, PLEASE come to LA. I’ll clean your trailers for tickets.
The original- Ring of Fire
Written by June Carter and Merle Kilgore
Performed by ANITA CARTER, 1963
The Greatest Cover Artist Of All Time: JIMI HENDRIX
I couldn’t pick which of Jimi Hendrix’s covers should go in the number one spot, so I just made the list without him and gave him his own category. While he had a bunch of hits on his own, Hendrix could also have built a solid career on his cover acts alone. His first single, “Hey Joe,” was originally done by The Leaves in 1965, but honestly, does anyone really care about their version? He followed that one up with one of his most famous tracks, “All Along the Watchtower,” which was a Dylan cover. He did another Dylan hit, “Like A Rolling Stone” (one of my personal favorites, if you care) at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967.
After going through my entire list, I’ve decided that the most prevalent cover, not just from Hendrix but from anyone, is his cover of the Star-Spangled Banner that he used to close out Woodstock and define an entire generation. Both my parents still talk about it like it was the second coming of Jesus. I give them a lot shit, but it’s probably because I’m bitter that I was born way too late to have been there.
There’s my Top 40. And, just to stay with the spirit of my cynicism, here are some truly awful ones:
FAITH HILL- Piece Of My Heart
Here’s an amazing classic song once again ruined by genre and lesser talent. Janis Joplin’s vocal styling is so distinguishable that Faith Hill has no business coming in and messing it all up with her stupid country shit and making it all sweet. Congratulations on getting one of my Top 40 Best into my Top 10 Worst, Faith Hill!
The Janis Joplin version- Piece Of My Heart
Written by Bert Berns and Jerry Ragovoy
Performed by JANIS JOPLIN
See the Top 40 Greatest Covers for the Janis Joplin version.
COUNTING CROWS & VANESSA CARLTON- Big Yellow Taxi (2002)
I’m not really a Joni Mitchell fan, but I will say that she’s a tremendous songwriter and I have great respect for her work. I grew up listening to my mom sing along to her CD’s, so shit like this pains me. What makes this even worse is that I can’t stand Vanessa Carlton, so I have to hear her butcher a huge chunk of my childhood.
The original- Big Yellow Taxi
Written and performed by JONI MITCHELL, 1970
BONO & ABUNCH OF ANNOYING CELEBRITIES- What’s Going On (2001)
Remember this one? This came out right after September 11th and featured a bunch of irritating famous people singing along to one of the greatest R&B tracks ever recorded. Of course it was produced by Bono, who’ll jump at any chance to shove his “charitable efforts” down the public’s throats. The obnoxious video featured all the celebrities with blindfolds on- if you ask me (which you kind of did, since you’re still reading), those cloths covered the wrong facial feature.
The kicker was that this was supposed to be for AIDS awareness, but proceeds eventually went to a September 11th charity too. Before you all get on my ass about hating something that was for a good cause, I’m only pissed off that they ruined the song and that Bono is playing Jesus again. Can’t you ever just donate money anonymously or something? Jerkoff.
The original- What’s Going On
Written by Renaldo “Obie” Benson, Al Cleveland and Marvin Gaye
Performed by MARVIN GAYE, 1971
311- Lovesong (2004)
This pissed me off bigtime when it came out because not only was the cover really shitty, but the movie it was featured in sucked balls, too, which made this version even worse. I’ve always hated 311 and loved The Cure, so I was really mad about this one.
The original- Lovesong
Written by Robert Smith
Performed by THE CURE, 1989
BRITNEY SPEARS- (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction (2000)
The most offensive part about this cover is that Keith Richards actually liked it. Then again, he’s perpetually stoned, so he could have been played a recording of pigeons vomiting and it would have had the same effect.
The original- (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction
Written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
Performed by THE ROLLING STONES, 1965
CELINE DION & ANASTACIA- You Shook Me All Night Long (2002)
The only reason this isn’t lower down on the list is because the dancing and air guitar are fucking hilarious. The only person less bad-ass than Celine Dion is the toddler that lives down the hall from me.
The original- You Shook Me All Night Long
Written by Angus Young, Malcolm Young and Brian Johnson
Performed by AC/DC, 1980
LIMP BIZKIT- Behind Blue Eyes (2003)
If I ever made a wishlist of people to kill, Fred Durst would be on it. I hate, hate, HATE Limp Bizkit. The Who is one of my favorite bands of all time and Fred Durst is destroying this song. It sounds like there’s a hamster in his throat trying to claw its way out. I can’t even listen to this. It gets me way too angry.
Now, I’m not saying I would push Fred Durst towards the speeding truck. I’m just saying that maybe I wouldn’t warn him that it was coming.
The original- Behind Blue Eyes
Written by Pete Townshend
Performed by THE WHO, 1971
SHERYL CROW- Sweet Child o’ Mine (1999)
There is nothing worse than taking a classic, instantly recognizable guitar riff and turning it into cheesy pop. Sheryl Crow manages to take all that is holy and awesome about this song and transform it into evil. No, Sheryl Crow, NO.
The original- Sweet Child o’ Mine (1988)
Written by Axl Rose, Slash and Izzy Stradlin
Performed by GUNS N’ ROSES
AVRIL LAVIGNE- Imagine (2007)
Avril Lavigne loves to pretend she’s all hard and shit and then threatens to “crash the mall” (ooh… bad-ass). Then she goes and pulls crap like this. I’m confused. That’s not how this works. I don’t like this at all.
The original- Imagine
Written and performed by JOHN LENNON, 1971
HILARY DUFF- My Generation (2004)
What the FUCK? This is really happening. I can’t even believe this. This is the most horrible thing I have ever seen. Please get this away from me.
SAVE YOURSELF:
The original- My Generation
Written by Pete Townshend
Performed by THE WHO, 1965
I have a bunch more, but this post is going on 2 days and I’m starting to cramp. I’m also stumped as to the topic of next month’s column, so I’m taking suggestions. Shoot me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com or leave me a comment.
This is getting ridiculous: I’ve been given ANOTHER blog award!
Lilly from A Pre-Life Crisis obviously forgot to take her meds today and has bestowed me with the “You’re Going Places, Baby” accolade. I hate to break it to you, Lilly, but the only place I’m going is over to the couch to watch Stonehenge Apocalypseon the SyFy Channel. But thanks anyway! You’re awesome.
Apparently I’m supposed to pass this on to a bunch of other blogs that I deem worthy of my time, but I just did that a few days ago. I will, however, partake in the second chapter of this award, which is to tell everyone where I see myself in 10 years.
Oh crap, I don’t even know where I’m going to be in 10 days. Um… hopefully not doing the same shit I’m doing now. No, seriously, hopefully in 2020 I’ll have an MBA and some kind of marketing job, maybe my own event planning or PR firm. Oh, and I’ll have successfully chloroformed Johnny Depp into impregnating me with our third perfect child.
He totally wants me.
A couple of weeks ago I guest-posted on Thoughts of a Randomista (thanks, Lynnorra! I’m planning our second sneak attack RIGHT NOW!). Even though it’s my own handiwork, I’m especially proud of this one because it’s hilarious, and I decided to post it on my own blog so I have record of it forever. Yeah, I’m a total narcissist, and I also have writer’s block. Anyway, here it is- enjoy. It’s about a bunch of stuff that- surprise!- leaves me truly fucking pissed off and baffled that it even exists.
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?
FLAVORED CHOCOLATE
The other day I went to the supermarket while I was hungry (DO NOT do this, ever. You WILL wind up spending a crapload of unnecessary cash in the impulse aisle and you WILL hate yourself) and while I was waiting to be rung up I noticed all this candy with weird flavors.
What happened to plain old milk chocolate? I don’t need a 3 Musketeers with mint or truffles. And what’s up with this gum that’s like an 18-course meal? The worst offender is M&M’s. I used to be able to just grab a bag; now I get totally confused. First it was just peanuts, and that was cool. But then they had dark chocolate (which tastes exactly the same, BTW- RIPOFF!) almond, pretzel, coconut, premium- WTF! You can also have them customized with your face. That is so creepy and wrong. Not to mention the commercial for the pretzel M&M’s is totally pervy and homoerotic. I miss when I was six and I had a choice of like, two candies and I didn’t have to think for an hour.
I do, however, love how Green is slutting it out on the coconut bag. Check out this stunner- she knows what’s up.
MATH AFTER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
I am terrible at math. Seriously- without using my fingers I can barely count past ten. Watching me add short columns of small numbers is probably akin to looking at a flaming car wreck. However, I’ve figured out that this is because math is useless. Depending on what kind of elementary school you went to, between fifth-seventh grade is when you learn to convert decimals into fractions and vice versa, which I guess is important. But everything after that? Complete and utter crap. Tell me when in your natural adult life you use trig, or calculus, or finite math. Answer: You don’t.
Especially now with calculators, the only kind of “math” that we really need is the subtraction of carbs and the addition of Clive Owen nude scenes. I’m convinced that all these classes that we’re forced to take in high school and college are really just excuses to fill up our schedule so teachers in the other departments can have sexy times in the lounge.
SILENT LETTERS
Silent letters are totally annoying. When you’re a little kid and you’re learning to read, it’s hard enough as it is without having to deal with all this extra shit that doesn’t belong there.
Take, for example, the word ANSWER. Look at that obnoxious “w,” just hanging out like an asshole, waiting to strike. What the hell is the point of just throwing it in there if you’re not going to pronounce it?
They always make no sense, too- like the “g” in the word LIGHT. No one says LIGGIT. Why don’t you just say what you mean, English language?
Silent letters are in the same category as the dickhead that sits with his legs spread on the subway- they take up unnecessary space just because they can, and should be slowly scalped with a carving knife.
80′S REMAKES
I’m SUPER pissed about all these remakes of awesome 80′s movies and TV shows that should just be left alone. It’s like my early childhood is just being shit all over because Hollywood has totally run out of ideas. Nothing is sacred- not horror movies, not action flicks, not storied classics. The day they remake Back to the Future with a flying iPhone in 3-D is the day that I climb a clock tower with a rifle.
MEDICATION THAT WILL MAKE YOU DIE
Have you ever been watching TV and seen one of those commercials for pills that leave you worse off than you were before you took the medication? I just saw a Cymbalta ad and the side-effects were fucking mind-blowing. First they were like, “may cause drowsiness,” and I was like, “OK, whatever.” But then they threw in insomnia and I was like, “wait. Will I be tired or not?” Then they also said it might cause sexual disturbance, which didn’t bother me because I’m already in that category (oh, is that not what they meant?)
But then it got totally fucked up- vomiting, seizures, and suicidal thoughts. Um, isn’t that what the medication is supposed to CURE? Just saying.
Birth control is the worst- it probably won’t give you a squealing kid, but you might have a heart attack, stroke, blot clot, or early death. Uh, no thanks. I’ll stick to condoms. No wonder there are shows like 16 and Pregnant. I’d be scared shitless to take anything if I were like 15 and boning my boyfriend.
Caution: Will KILL YOU!
DATING HOTLINES
The ads for these are totally hilarious. There’s always some fairly attractive chick with a toothpaste commercial smile, dressed like a whore, and she’s like “all my friends are out having an awesome time at a club, but I’m calling this phone line that’s pretending it’s not for desperate, sexless losers!” Dude, then make new friends, because they clearly hate you. Then it has a guy’s voice on the other end asking to “meet for coffee.” Yeah, right. Coffee and BANGING. Like anyone thinks those commercials are real.
Like the girls who call these hotlines EVER really look like this.
THE SHAKEWEIGHT
The infomercial for this is great. It’s basically a handjob that claims that it can give you arm muscles. Why don’t you save your money and just do the real thing?
Actually, don’t. Every guy I know says that handjobs suck because they’ve all been doing it to themselves since before they could read.
Penises leave me absolutely fucking dumbfounded. If you really think about it, they look like sad, dying worms. I mean, I know our fun stuff isn’t that enchanting either; the vajay kind of resembles a cartoonist’s rendition of a stealth bomber. But at least ours is inside the body and we don’t have to worry about poking anyone’s eye out.
It’s especially horrible when guys walk around in banana hammocks, no matter how hot they are. Do they really think their junk looks like a box of tiny tail-wagging puppies? ’Cause it don’t.
No matter how ugly the trouser snake is, though, we keep coming back for more. I’m constantly blown away by the psychological hold a good dicking has on myself and my otherwise smart, competent, totally independent girlfriends. It’s why we sleep with our asshole exes, or the guy in the leather with the great ass who’s probably riddled with STD’s.
The Penis: 8th wonder of the world.
GETTING OLD
Lately I’ve realized that I’ve been getting tired at like, 10pm, and sometimes I’ll stay home on a Saturday night and do a blog post (or worse- crossword puzzles). When I do go out, I’ll often notice that the girls are dressed like total skanks, and I’ll nurse two drinks before heading home by 1:30.
Holy shit, I feel REALLY fucking old. Is this what my life is going to be like from now on? I’m not even thirty! How long is it going to be before I appear at my doorway and shake my fist at “you damn kids with your music?” Seriously, what the fuck?
All this stuff has been bothering me for a while. Maybe I’m weird, but I kind of miss when I was a little kid and the biggest problem I had was when my mom forgot to cut the crusts off my PB&J.
Does any of this stuff make you guys want to crawl back into your feetie pajamas, or I am just pulling stuff out of my ass (EW)? If anything really weird makes you that mad, drop me a comment so I don’t feel like I’m seriously that retarded.
It’s my 50th blog post and it only took me six months! Is that pathetic? I can’t tell.
Doesn’t matter. In order to celebrate my Blog Birthday, I’m feeling gift-y and bestowing the trophies. So let’s do this shit:
This is one I made up, so here are my rules:
1) It was really hard to narrow it down, so no one I already gave an award to. Sorry! I still worship you all.
2) Um, that’s it. You don’t have to pass it on, or brag about it, or anything.
So here’s who I read when I’m not too busy basking in my own hilariousness:
The THAT AIN'T KOSHER "SHIT THAT SELLS" AWARD 2010
DANACONDA @ From The Head Of The Danaconda- If you thought my shit was raunchy, read Dan’s blog. I know more about this guy’s external organs than I ever wanted to, but I would still totally hang (pun intended) with this guy because his sense of humor is just as disgusting as mine. Bonus: he’s a New Yorker like me.
SARA @ Sara Swears A Lot- If only because she recently posted about fictional characters she’d like to fuck and then let me stealborrow her idea. Also, she shamelessly posts about the vajay, farts, loogies and anything else that’s gross that I may have unintentionally left out. PS- She really does swear a lot.
MEI @ Diary of a Fair Weather Diver- Her artwork is hysterical, and she likes a bunch of nerdy stuff just like I do. She did a really funny guest post for me a while back that probably got me a shitload more followers, so thanks for that, Mei! Also, if you get the chance, read her movie reviews.
MCGRIDDLE PANTS @ Serenity Now!! Insanity Later- I didn’t discover her blog until she left a comment on mine, but I’m really glad she did because McGriddle Pants is unapologetically bitchy. Her “Random Shit Tuesday” posts are awesome. Oh, she also gave me her ROFL Award a while ago, too. So I love her and feel the need to express fucked up solidarity.
JESSICA MARIA @ Tried to Live Forever- I read Jessica’s posts when I’m having an exceptionally shitty day because she’s actually one of the nicest bloggers I’ve met. The fact that she’s in Brooklyn and is active in the indie music scene is also a huge plus. Jessica is great- if I ever hung out with her I know we’d be likethis.
Also, check out her husband’s band, Motion City Soundtrack- I LOVED these guys when I used to go to Warped Tour and I’m ecstatic to know they’re still around and kicking ass.
So check out these blogs and make me think my promotional skills are actually getting put to use. And also- Happy Blog Birthday To Me! Sort of.
*Disclaimer: I took all the artwork from their respective blogs to promote their sites. Obviously.
