That Ain't Kosher

Today marks an incredibly important day in the history of ever:

It’s  SHARK WEEK 2011!

I am super excited- one might perhaps even say I am… shark-cited?

For those of you who don’t know about my unnatural obsession curious fascination with sharks (i.e. missed the post I wrote last year commanding you all to watch the Discovery Channel), let me defend myself by reminding you that Dude! It’s SHARKS. They probably know they’re awesome and jump around all, “yeah, I’m a shark. What’s up motherfucker? Time to get eaten.”

AHAHAHAHA!

Also in 2006 there was an episode that aired called 10 Deadliest Sharks where the mako shark was “teased and baited with chum.”

That sounds sexy.

My birthday is in 6 months. Just putting that out there.

Anyway, I prepare for Shark Week! every year. I announce its arrival to everyone who I’m 95% sure won’t have me committed, sometimes even weeks in advance, whether it be through phone calls, emails, or bouncing around excitedly like a retarded chihuahua on speed. I mark the impending date on all three of my calendars. I hit up the local supermarket for shark-related snacks. I even have a drinking game prepared, courtesy of tv.com, which is extra-frightening considering I’ll be watching most of the shows by myself (thanks a lot, assholes). I also invented a new activity, where the word “shark” is incorporated into everyone’s every day lexicon, a la the Smurfs, only less eye-gougingly irritating. For example:

“What the shark?”

“Shark, yeah!”

“That’s shark-tastic!”

“Please pass the shark.”

This year Shark Week! is hosted by SNL’s Andy Samberg (of “Dick In A Box” and “I Just Had Sex” fame). He’s usually pretty funny so I definitely approve of this pairing. The new line-up for 2011 promises to be just as shark-sational as last year, and I’ve provided a schedule for you guys so you know when exactly to call out sick to work.

Some of the highlights include:

ROGUE SHARKS- premiering Monday, August 1st, 9pm

Basically this is Jaws, but on TV and with multiple attacks by multiple sharks. I can’t wait to see a bunch of douchebags in swimming trunks get eaten. This is gonna be sweet.

KILLER SHARKS- premiering Tuesday, August 2nd, 9pm

Keeping with the theme of “sharks rule,” this documentary focuses on unsuspecting travelers in the 50′s that are all, “lala, we’ll go on vacation and ignore the fact that there are SHARKS IN THE WATER.” Dumbasses.

SHARK CITY- premiering Thursday, August 4th, 9pm

With what is decidedly the coolest name for a show ever, this portion of Shark Week! focuses on a handful of our subjects as individuals as they hunt, eat and size each other up. Look for the special interview where the head shark is like, “yeah, I’ve been a shark for about four years now. My hobbies include swimming around, chilling with my wife and baby sharks and chewing on peoples’ legs. My favorite band is Radiohead.”

Personally, I would also like to see a guest appearance by Sharktopus, but one can only dream.

Old episodes of Shark Week! are going on right now so the fact that your TV isn’t on is inherently disturbing. I myself am parked in front of the Discovery Channel with my Shark Bites, pausing only to alert you all by writing this post.

Breakfast of Champions

If you do decide to partake in the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, let me know how it goes, and what your favorite experience (or six) was.

See you all in a week.

As a music columnist (just go with it), I look for every opportunity to marry my two greatest loves- Ryan Reynolds and chocolate.

Ha! No. Well, yes, but seriously- any chance I get to make a connection between the two worlds of comics and music, count me in. Considering the shitty films we’ve been subjected to this summer, that gives me all the more reason to look back on the most badass collaborations between superheroes, supernerds and supersavants- the Comic Book Movie Soundtrack.

Unfortunately for the Comic Book Movie, most of them have the distinction of being pretty fucking terrible. For every The Dark Knight, there’s a Batman & Robin (I think I just got inspired for a new round of SMAC!). This was a particularly difficult list to compile because a lot of films in this genre are scored and don’t use a lot of songs in general. However, the ones that do decide to go the soundtrack route usually make good use of their decision.

Qualifications include having both a major comic book or graphic novel arc and a killer soundtrack. This leaves out breathtakingly abysmal pieces of shit such as Green Lantern (sorry, Ryan), The Green Hornet, Fantastic Four 1 AND 2, both Men In Blacks, Daredevil, Elektra and The Spirit. Unfortunately, this also invalidates Sin City, 300, Hellboy  1 and 2, Dick Tracy, A History of Violence, Road to Perdition, Ghost World, V for Vendetta, The Rocketeer (Fuck you! I like that movie!), and, somewhat to my dismay, all of the X-Men films, which have instrumental scores. Observe the list, laugh, cry, break shit, whatever.

CAUTION: There are some spoilers in this post if you haven’t read the books or seen the movies. So if you still scroll down, don’t get pissed at me or anything.

The BATMAN Franchise

Batman first made his appearance in DC Comics #27 in 1939 and has had six films made about him, the first being Tim Burton’s Batman in 1989. Batman also holds the honor of having both the best and worst biopics on this list- while The Dark Knight is not only my favorite comic book movie but also one of the most finely crafted and well-casted films I’ve ever seen in general, Batman & Robin is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I recommend you not watch unless under threat of slow, searing gas pain.

The character of Batman is seriously screwed up. If you think about it, he’s some dude with serious parental issues, running around in a cape thinking that he’s solving everyone’s issues when actually, people just want him to shut the fuck up with that annoying voice. That’s not an original concept or anything- if you take away the costume, you just described all my exes.

Three of the six Batman movies were scored (Batman Returns, Batman Begins, and The Dark Knight), and three of them had soundtracks. We’ll cover the soundtracked movies here, because even though they weren’t that great, the albums are pretty kick-ass.

Batman, 1989

The soundtrack to 1989′s Batman was written, produced and performed entirely by Prince, with some guest vocals. It sold three million copies domestically and was number one on the Billboard charts for six weeks. Even if the album sucked, which it totally didn’t, it was still created by Prince, which is an automatic win.

Batman Forever, 1995

Batman Forever has one of the best music compilations I’ve ever heard. I still listen to most of these bands- I’m a HUGE fan of The Offspring and probably have half their catalog on my iPod. As it turns out, a lot of people agreed with me- it sold almost as much as Prince’s Batman soundtrack and also reached #1 on the charts.

Too bad the movie sucked balls. I always feel kind of sorry for any film that’s awful and is riding on the success of another media collaboration.

Here’s a list of the most download-worthy tracks on the CD:

Smash- The Offspring

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me- U2

Tell Me Now- Mazzy Star

There Is A Light- Nick Cave

The Passenger- Michael Hutchence

The Hunter Gets Captured By The Game- Massive Attack with Tracy Thorn

Kiss From A Rose- Seal (I’m not a huge fan of this one, but it won like a zillion Grammys, so I thought I would include it)

Also, here are some more artists featured on the album. I don’t necessarily like all of them, but seeing as how this was the mid-nineties, these are all excellent choices for a collaborative CD.

Sunny Day Real Estate

Method Man

PJ Harvey

Brandy

The Flaming Lips

Batman & Robin, 1997

If it’s possible, this one was even worse than Batman Forever. I remember that I actually saw this movie in theaters with the kid I was babysitting and even he wanted his money back. It was laughably, supremely awful. Another crime this film has committed: it makes me NOT want to look at George Clooney’s rubber nipples. Shame on you, Batman & Robin.

If you insist on watching this movie, you should probably just fast forward to Uma Thurman’s scenes as Poison Ivy. They are hilarious.

Youtube wouldn’t let me embed this, but here’s a brief preview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xk_ZyEUR2Y

The soundtrack, however, is pretty decent. There’s a few choice tracks on there, and some really popular artists- back in 1997. R.E.M. is one of my all-time favorites, and I’ve had a rebirth of ladywood for Smashing Pumpkins ever since I saw them live last summer.

Revolution- R.E.M.

Foolish Games- Jewel

The End Is The Beginning Is The End- Smashing Pumpkins

The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning- Smashing Pumpkins

Some artists that are featured on the soundtrack that I’m not totally into, but are worth mentioning as a lot of people were listening to them back then:

Goo Goo Dolls

R. Kelly (I would make a joke here, but everything’s already been done, so I’ll just let it go)

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

Soul Coughing

THE CROW

I’m ignoring the sequels and intended remake because The Crow is such an amazing movie and graphic novel. I love Bradley Cooper, but he makes no sense for this franchise and I am so worried that this reboot is going to be really stupid. So I’ll just console myself with Netflix.

At any rate, The Crow‘s musical compilation features a ton of bands that I love, some performing tracks written by even more bands that I love. The standout is definitely Nine Inch Nails’ interpretation of Joy Division’s “Dead Souls.” It was the first time I ever experienced an eargasm, only I didn’t know what it was because I was like, six or something.

Here are the most noteworthy tracks on the CD:

Dead Souls- Nine Inch Nails (originally performed by Joy Division)

Burn- The Cure

Darkness- Rage Against The Machine

Big Empty- Stone Temple Pilots

Ghostrider- Rollins Band

And as usual, a list of other artists featured on the album:

Pantera

Violent Femmes

Jesus and Mary Chain

The IRON MAN Franchise (Thanks to Shells for reminding me about this one)

I really dug the first Iron Man film. I could totally get into a comic book movie that was tailored to adults, yet still shamelessly exploited the wants and needs of little kids. Plus they could have turned the camera on Robert Downey, Jr. while he toured a box factory for two hours and I would have stood in line for three days and bought twelve tickets at retail price.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdBSCjG4yFM

The music featured in the first film was all scored by Ramin Djawadi, but the guitar pieces were done by Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave, so I was still superexcited.

The second movie, unfortunately, wasn’t as enjoyable. It focused too much on Gwyneth Paltrow’s unnaturally shiny legs and nasally indigestion voice. The soundtrack, however, was basically a showcase of my #mostfavoritestartistsEVER playlist, so it definitely makes my list. Some of the bands on the soundtrack include AC/DC, who are featured prominently throughout the movie, The Clash, Beastie Boys, Queen and Daft Punk.

And of course, if you hadn’t figured this out by now, Ozzy’s classic “Iron Man” plays in both films. The way it cuts into the ending of the first Iron Man is epic.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD

I saw this movie opening day and immediately fell in love with it. I have no idea why it performed so poorly. I do have my theories, though.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is based on the second in a series of graphic novels released in 2004. The Scott Pilgrim movie is maybe the most exact description of the words “graphic novel film” that anyone has ever come up with.

The entire movie is like a giant video game. Enemies turn into coins, Scott Pilgrim has a scene where he fights the evil version of himself, and there’s a pop culture reference every ten seconds. There was a character named Stephen Stills, and I was the ONLY ONE in the theater that laughed. I CAN’T be that nerdy. Or can I?

The music in the movie is not only great, it’s fun. Scott Pilgrim is like the high schooler’s Google Reader version of High Fidelity. Scott Pilgrim’s band, The Sex Bob-ombs ( a Mario Bros. reference- and I was NOT the only one that caught that), performs music written by Beck, and the songs by their rivals, Crash and the Boys, are composed by Broken Social Scene. The band Clash at Demonhead, meanwhile, was inspired by Metric, who my friend E was listening to years ago, before anyone knew who they were. E, BTW, is chilling somewhere in the UK right now, that lucky bitch.

As if that weren’t enough, some of the artists on the soundtrack are Frank Black, T-Rex, The Rolling Stones (with the classic track Under My Thumb), Dan The Automator, Kid Koala and Radiohead producer Nigel Godrich. Also, tying into its Comic-Con theme, genuine music from The Legend of Zelda can be heard in a dream sequence.

Through Universal Studios, a teaser trailer was released as part of Scott Pilgrim’s marketing campaign featuring music from The Prodigy, The Tings Tings, Be Your Own Pet, Cornelius, Blood Red Shoes and LCD Soundsystem, who I’m still depressed about.

SPAWN

The Spawn soundtrack is pretty damn ace. Comprised solely of collaborations, all its tracks are in the electronica, industrial or hard rock genre. It debuted at #7 on Billboard and sat on the charts for 25 weeks, selling over 500,000 copies domestically.

Some of the most bad-ass tracks on the CD include:

(Can’t You) Trip Like I Do- Filter & The Crystal Method

One Man Army- The Prodigy & Tom Morello

Long Hard Road Out of Hell- Marilyn Manson & Sneaker Pimps

Tiny Rubberband- Butthole Surfers & Moby

Torn Apart- Stabbing Westward & Wink

Familiar- Incubus & DJ Greyboy

T-4 Strain- Henry Rollins & Goldie

Kick the P.A.- Korn & The Dust Brothers

Spawn- Silverchair & Vitro

Other artists featured that are worth mentioning include Kirk Hammett, Metallica, Silverchair, Slayer, Atari Teenage Riot and Soul Coughing. Seriously, I just gave you almost the whole CD. Pick this shit up.

The SPIDER-MAN Franchise

Since 1962, Spider-Man (and that’s the correct spelling, not Spiderman or Spider-man) has been releasing sticky crap out of his hands. Again, a blazing reminder of every guy I’ve ever dated.

Anyway, the companion albums to the Spider-Man films are perhaps the most accurate portrayals of the superhero identity crisis in general, especially the teenage angst part- there’s rock, pop, and a shit-ton of emo.

The best tracks are as follows:

Spider-Man, 2002:

Learn To Crawl- Black Lab

Shelter- Greenwheel

When It Started- The Strokes

Hate To Say I Told You So- The Hives

The artists featured on the CD aren’t bad either. The basset hound from Nickelback recorded the song “Hero” for the soundtrack, along with Josey Scott from Saliva, Tyler Connolly from Theory of a Deadman, Matt Cameron from Soundgarden and Pearl Jam and Mike Kroeger from Nickelback. I personally can’t stand this song, but it went 4x platinum in the US and hit #3 on the Billboard Hot 10o, as well as #1 on the Modern Rock charts, becoming a massive cross-promotional hit.

Other bands on the soundtrack include Alien Ant Farm, Sum 41, Macy Gray and Pete Yorn, with the Spider-Man main title getting its own reboot by Aerosmith.

Spider-Man 2, 2004:

In my opinion, this is album that most fits the Spider-Man themes of teen angst, redemption and loss, especially with the inclusion of Dashboard Confessional and the track by Jet. I have the entire album downloaded, but here are the songs you should really be listening to:

Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional

Hold On- Jet

Give It Up- Midtown

The artists chosen to contribute to the CD were a general VH1 hotlist of 2002. Here’s a list of who else you can find in the track listing:

Train

Maroon 5 (I’ll accept them on mute because Adam Levine is hot)

Too bad your music blows.

Taking Back Sunday

Yellowcard

The Ataris

There’s also an awesome track from Queen guitarist Brian May. Can’t go wrong with that!

Spider-Man 3, 2007

This movie needed to redeem itself from its deplorable reception. Luckily, its soundtrack is just as exceptional as the first two. Hit up your iTunes for these:

Signal Fire- Snow Patrol

Move Away- The Killers

Pleased To Meet You- Wolfmother

Red River- The Walkmen

Falling Star- Jet

Spider-Man 3‘s companion CD also contains tracks by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Flaming Lips, The Oohlas, and Chubby Checker.

It’s also worth mentioning that the Spider-Man Theme was re-recorded by the Ramones as a hidden track on their 1995 album !Adios Amigos!. Their version was also included in one of their live performances and in various other projects.

The SUPERMAN Franchise

I don’t think it’s necessary for me to go on about how obsessed I am with anything and everything Superman. But in case you don’t know, and aren’t nervous about finding out, go here.

Superman first appeared in DC Comics’ Action Comics #1 in 1938 and ever since then has been floating around in comics, books, magazines, five movies, at least five television series, and um, my dreams. Wait! I mean no. Let’s just move on and get to the music part.

The first film, Superman, was released in 1978, and has since become a classic. Hearing the the Superman theme that accompanies the opening credits is like Pavlov’s bell to most little kids and um, myself.

Superman Opening Credits

All the films are scored, so they won’t be covered here, unfortunately. However, I will tell you guys that I recently watched the movie on AMC three nights in a row even though I own it on Blu-Ray.

My advice to those of you who have not yet familiarized yourself with the Superman franchise is to move to America. After that, watch Superman, Superman II and Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut and skip everything else. Superman Returns should never have been made and was a desperate attempt to cash in on all the comic books that are being exploited by Hollywood. This new Man of Steel that’s being slowly unraveled by Zack Snyder right now makes me very uneasy and I hope that having Jonathan Nolan on board means that I won’t cry through all of 2012. I plan on writing a post airing all my grievances on this later on, so be on the lookout for that. Or, check out now. Your call.

SMALLVILLE:

I never got into Smallville, even though I really, really wanted to, because it was boring and stupid, but I did look up the music used on the show for the sake of this post, and, like most of the shows on the CW, that turned out to be its only redeeming quality. The Smallville theme was “Save Me” by Remy Zero, which I actually have in my iTunes, and some of the artists heard in the episodes included Stabbing Westward, The Juliana Theory, Sia AND Zero 7, Unwritten Law, Interpol, The Cult, and Juliette and the Licks (SERIOUSLY??? OHMIGOD!!! Maybe I should have watched.)

I did not, however, appreciate seeing a season 7 episode listing that appeared to be a showcase for that dude from OneRepublic who’s like a whore for tweenyboppers. Also, when I was scrolling through the music section of the website I was just waiting to see that awful “Superman” song by Five For Fighting, because wouldn’t that just be predictable and cheesy, and yup, there it was.

Apparently the show released two soundtracks as well, both of which didn’t impress me, save for the inclusion of Depeche Mode’s “Precious” on Volume Two: Metropolis Mix.

So basically, watch the first two movies, and call it a day. And try not to picture me geeking out and fanning myself when the Superman theme comes on.

THOR

Seriously, have you seen this guy's arms?

Most of the music used in Thor is a score composed by Patrick Doyle. However, I had to include this movie because in one scene, and the closing credits, Foo Fighters’ “Walk,” from their latest LP, Wasting Light, is used as the only non-instrumental piece deemed worthy enough to make it into the film. Dave Grohl’s god-like awesomeness strikes again.

WATCHMEN

The Watchmen series was released in 1986, and is the only graphic novel before or since to make TIME‘s 100 All-TIME Greatest Novels list (in 2005). It was also featured at number 13 on Entertainment Weekly‘s list of 50 best novels in the last 25 years. Getting the feature film to finally hit theaters was a decades-long struggle that left fans salivating for a movie worthy of its caliber. Watchmen finally came out in 2009 from Warner Bros. Pictures.

While the movie wasn’t a complete failure, fans of the book weren’t exactly high on it as a whole. First of all, no matter how hot Billy Crudup is (and he is), no one wants to look at a big, blue schlong in our face for four hours- or, for that matter, for two minutes. Speaking of, what was up with that runtime? I’ve had relationships that were shorter than that. It’s also a Zack Snyder movie all the way- he’s not completely faithful to the novel, which again, makes me very, very apprehensive about Man of Steel.

However, the movie is memorable for the opening scene set to Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are A-Changin’”, which shows what our society has and will become. It does trick you into thinking that you just spent nine bucks on the Watchmen film you always wanted to see, but it’s a mesmerizing scene nonetheless.

The soundtrack is a music buff’s college term paper, with the aforementioned Dylan track plus classics by Hendrix and Janis Joplin. Also included is the closing credits title, an energizing effort from, surprisingly, My Chemical Romance, who usually annoy the shit out of me. They are covering a song originally performed by Bob Dylan, though, so maybe that explains it. Leonard Cohen’s oft-interpreted “Hallelujah” also appears, both on the soundtrack and in the film (I remember that it played during a particularly disturbing sex scene between Silk Spectre II and Nite Owl II, which almost ruined it for me). Here’s a complete listing of the best tracks from the movie:

Desolation Row- My Chemical Romance

Hallelujah- Leonard Cohen

All Along the Watchtower- Jimi Hendrix

The Times They Are A-Changin’- Bob Dylan

Me And Bobby McGee- Janis Joplin

The film also features two songs that are mentioned in the novel- “Hallelujah” and Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Sounds of Silence.”

As always, feel free to weigh in with your opinions below. I realize with every post that I write about comics I lose more and more street cred, but keep in mind that I weigh like fourteen pounds and look like I’m 12 anyway, so really, this is not hurting anything and you’re all bound to find out anyway.

Back in March, I started a bet with Johnny Sacks over at Living With Balls as to the outcome of the 2011 Major League Baseball season. It began as a relatively harmless lark, but then I realized that the loser has to keep their most hated team’s logo on their blog for a whole month. I’m a Mets fan and he’s a Yankees fan, so this is sure to be a very painful lesson in dignity.

Here’s how the points system works, to be determined at the end of the season:

1 point for each division/wild card winner
1 point for each Rookie of the Year
1 point for each most/least improved
2 points for each League Division series
3 points for each League Championship series
5 points for the World Series winner

You can get a good look at each of our picks here.

Now that the All-Star Game is over (BTW, KICK-ASS, NATIONAL LEAGUE! Here’s me doing my happy dance. Pretend you didn’t see that) and the season is half underway, I decided to revisit our choices and give you guys a heads-up on who’s going to be forced to put the Mets insignia on his blog (HAHA!). Of course there’s no final verdict on all the categories, since the season is only partially over, but here’s how we’re both doing so far:

DIVISION WINNERS:

AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST


We both chose the Boston Red Sox.

They have a fucking NASTY roster with a sick rotation and a healthy line-up, and although we both chose them to go to the World Series this year (against my most hated adversaries, the Stupid Phillies), Sacks actually predicted a win.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Looks like we were right on the mark. The Sox are currently first in the AL East, with a 55-35 record, sitting a game above the Yankees. They currently have a six-game winning streak and their next match is at Tampa, who hold the third-place spot in the division.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL

SACKS: Minnesota Twins

Due to an excellent management system and a new stadium, which led to a bigger payroll, Sacks went with the Twins. While this is a substantial choice, the AL Central is usually a pretty tight race between Minnesota, Detroit and Chicago, so we’ll see where this goes. Joe Nathan and Justin Morneau were injured last season, but were expected to come back this year at the head of their game.

NUGS: Detroit Tigers

Choosing the leader of the AL Central is always a toss-up for me, but this year I decided to pick Detroit. Jim Leyland has proven to be one of the top managers in the business, and now, with one final year on his contract, he made some key signings in the off-season with the additions of Victor Martinez and Joaquin Benoit. He also made the outstanding decision to keep top performers Magglio Ordonez, Brandon Inge and Jhonny Peralta.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Well.

Not only are the Tigers in the top spot, but they’re seriously dominating over Minnesota.

Detroit currently holds a 49-43 record, with the Indians (seriously???) half a game back in the number two position. Their next game is at home against the White Sox, who were ALMOST my pick this year.

The Twins have next to no shot at a title this year, with a 41-48 record. They’re not exactly chasing the Tigers, as they’re 6.5 games out of the race. Yeah, good luck with that.

AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST

Due to their American League pennant in 2010, Sacks and I both went for the Texas Rangers.

None of the other teams in this division did anything in the off-season to make us believe they even wanted to put up a fight, and the Rangers’ solid pitching is still a powerhouse, even with Cliff Lee eventually going to the Phillies (gross- more on them later).

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

This was easy to predict- Texas’ 51-41 record has put them atop the AL West, one game ahead of the Angels. Their seven-game winning streak is currently the highest in Major League Baseball, and their next game is an away against Seattle, who is 7.5 games out of first place.

WILD CARD

Sick minds think alike- both Sacks and I picked the Yankees.

Come on, it’s the Yankees. They’re the Hugh Hefner of professional sports. Instead of trying to fix whatever glitches might come their way, they just go out and buy some more 19-year-olds.

Besides, if they’re having a shitty year, they’ll just pay someone to get them into the playoffs.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Please. Like you guys had to ask.

Currently a game behind the Sox with a record of 53-35, the Yankees are clinging to that Wild Card spot. Their next game is an away against Toronto, who’s 10 games behind them. So, yeah.

NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST

Unfortunately for me, this one was probably the most apparent, and also the most painful, in all of Major League Baseball. Sacks and I both predicted that the Stupid Phillies would not only take the division, but also win the National League pennant. In my case, I’m also disgusted by the fact that they’ll probably win everything. Douchebags.

When Sacks emailed me his choices months ago he did express sympathy for both of us by stating that we each went with our most hated teams as the World Series winners. This will most likely be our consolation prize when whoever loses has to put either the Mets or Yankees logo on their site. 

The Phillies’ lineup is ridiculous, and their rotation is most likely considered illegal in 37 states. This is why I loathe them with the speed and passion of a thousand fastballs to the crotch. When the pitcher you’re the most concerned about is Joe Blanton, who was still basically unstoppable until he was recently placed on the 15-day DL, all the other teams in your division should probably just go home.

I hate you, Stupid Phillies. Every year you make me miserable and depressed.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

I really didn’t want to check on this, because I knew it would break my heart. I figured that the Phillies would be in first place, by like, a lot, and I also realized that by checking the standings for the NL East, I would also see how shitty the Mets were doing (read: everyone close to me is hiding the Drano).

Not only are the 57-34 Stupid Phillies 3.5 games ahead of the second place Braves, but none of the other teams in the NL East even have a prayer. They all suck ferociously, but at least my beloved Mets are in third place. I’ll ignore the fact that they have 7.5 games to go before they even catch up to Atlanta (they won’t). It also really doesn’t help that the Phillies play their next game against the Mets. It’s at ShittyField, but let’s be honest; that doesn’t make a difference.

At least the Marlins are terrible this year. Sorry, Lor. #butnotreally.

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL

SACKS: Milwaukee Brewers

I almost went with Milwaukee, but I wasn’t positive that this was their year. Sacks made a logical decision based on the Brewers’ addition of ace Zack Greinke and a lineup that includes Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun.

NUGS: Cincinnati Reds

The Reds seemingly came out of nowhere with an outstanding young offense and amazing growth potential. Scott Rolen is one of the best third basemen in baseball if he’s not injured, and the Cardinals were no longer the threat they used to be. It was a tough call between them and Milwaukee, but I had to go with the Reds based on 2010′s accomplishments.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

This one is close. The Brewers are currently in first place; however they’re tied with the St. Louis Cardinals with a 49-43 record. The Reds are currently in third place with a record of 45-47. Sacks is in the lead here, but I could easily topple this one. The season’s only half over!

BTW, their next games are against each other, in Cincinnati. So we’ll see who prevails.

NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST

Due to their status as World Series Winners, Sacks and I both got creative and picked the San Francisco Giants. 

Not only are they the reigning MLB champs, but their rotation is nausea-inducing (Tim Lincecum and Madison Bumgarner’s pitching is ridiculous) and their lineup isn’t shabby either.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Like anyone had any doubt? The Arizona Diamondbacks are the only NL West team that even come close to going after the Giants, sitting three games behind their 52-40 record. Their next game is against the last-place Padres, who are 12 games out. It’s in San Diego; like that matters.

WILD CARD

SACKS: Colorado Rockies

Sacks chose the Rockies for the coveted Wild Card slot based on their off-season acquisition of Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez, not to mention the monster arm of Ubaldo Jimenez. The Rockies have been showing major improvements since their slump and were expected to shake up the NL West.


NUGS: Milwaukee Brewers

I chose the Brewers based on the difficult choice I had to make between this team and the Reds for the top spot in the NL Central. I figured whichever team didn’t lead that division would be the Wild Card in the National League. This division is in an incredibly close race for first place every year.

The Brewers have the distinction of being one of the only teams in baseball where hitting trumps pitching.  While they did shell out for ace Zack Greinke, Milwaukee can also boast a lineup of Prince Fielder, who is absolutely proof of genetics, Corey Hart and Ryan Braun.

Their next game, coincidentally, is at home vs. Colorado. This should be interesting.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Neither one of us got this one, actually- the NL Wild Card, so far, is the Atlanta Braves.

Great- I hate them, too. Not as much as the Stupid Phillies, of course, but I still reserve a shelf of resentment for them in my heart.

However, when tallying up the results, let it be noted that the Brewers are five games ahead of the Rockies and therefore closer to the Wild Card slot. So again, the victory goes to me. Cue Nelson Muntz laugh.

Of course, this is subject to change in November, after the World Series is over and the MVP’s are announced. The rest of the categories- and your winner and loser- will all be determined after the season is done. I just wanted to give you guys a clear update on the fact that so far, victory is mine.

Things have been drunkenly going down here in the That Ain’t Kosher offices, and by offices I mean my laptop, because this post marks the one year anniversary of Aural Sex! (Sadly, this also marks a very long anniversary of no oral sex, but let’s move away from that before I get violent and then cry a lot.)

I’ve been involved with the music space for what seems like my entire life- I’ve even tried to get away from it, and no matter what I do, it always finds me (dammit). I’m always around musicians, music journalists, or music venues in some capacity, and if you go through the contacts in my phone, 3/4 of them have access to some kind of gear.

To honor the first birthday of Aural Sex, I’ve decided that I needed to immortalize the most exalted women in the music business- those that have recorded classic tunes, fronted powerhouse bands, and made the men of the industry think with their other head.

So thanks, guys, for sticking with me for one full year of Aural Sex. Turn this shit up- this list goes to 11.

THE ICONS

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

Aguilera could have easily become another Mouseketeer if it weren’t for her ridiculous set of pipes. Even when she broke out with that stupid Genie song everybody know she was a true talent to watch out for.

THE BANGLES

The Bangles were the first band I ever saw live- I think I was like three or something. They also recorded a kick-ass cover of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Hazy Shade of Winter” that made every girl on the planet want to pick up a guitar.

PAT BENATAR

Did you guys know Pat Benatar started out as an opera singer? Did you also know she’s only about 5’1?

Yup.

BJORK

Bjork has one of the most recognizable vocal stylings in music- MTV ranked her voice at #8 on their “Greatest Voices” List. Her sound is eclectic and combines multiple genres, and this is often reflected in her personal style (see: swan dress. What the hell?).

Bjork is a refreshing release from the factory pop that gets churned out on a monthly basis- even her earlier work with The Sugarcubes had a decidedly post-punk feel. Thom Yorke has been quoted as saying that Bjork’s “Unravel” is his favorite song, and Radiohead covered it in 2007. Oh my God. If the two of them recorded it together I would die. DIE.

Bjork’s “All is Full of Love” was the first DVD single ever to be released in the US.

Last year, Bjork and The Dirty Projectors released a joint EP to benefit marine conservation. I wonder if my brother knows about that. I should give him a call.

CHER

It’s 2011, so Cher is what, 106 years old, and is the only person in history to have both won an Oscar and recorded with Beavis and Butthead.

Other than that, Cher is the only person to have received an Oscar, three Golden Globes, Grammy, Emmy and a Cannes Film Festival Award. She is also the only artist to have a Billboard number one hit in each of the last six decades, and her “Farewell Tour” holds the record as the most successful tour by a female artist of all time. Cher’s career has lasted over 45 years, while my last job lasted a month. Go me.

For all the jokes that are constantly being thrown around about Cher, no one seems to have more of a sense of humor about any of them than Cher herself. She always seems so normal and never takes herself seriously. It was especially hilarious when she appeared as herself on Will & Grace, and Jack thought she was a Cher impersonator. When her own daughter came out, first as a lesbian and then as a transgender, Cher was supportive and became a strong vocal advocate of the gay community. While I’m heterosexual, I am also a staunch defender of anyone who stands up for those who may have difficulty maintaining their own rights. I may not be a fan of Cher’s music, but I am definitely behind her beliefs.

PATSY CLINE

I’m tempted to leave her off this list because I’m convinced that she’s solely responsible for everyone who thinks they’re talented enough for American Idol. However, all of her songs, country or not, are pretty much pop culture staples and everyone and their dog knows the opening to “Crazy” and “I Fall To Pieces.”

She died in a plane crash at the pinnacle of her career when she was only thirty years old, but she left an enormous impact on the music industry. She became the first woman ever to be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame, and was voted among the most influential artists by CMT, VH1 and Rolling Stone.

KIM DEAL

Most of my friends don’t know who Kim Deal is until I mention The Pixies. Then they still don’t know who she is. I talk about The Breeders and they STILL don’t know.

For shame, guys.

ARETHA FRANKLIN

Needs no explanation. If you don’t know why she’s been included you may as well be clinically dead.

THE GO-GO’S

The Go-Go’s are even cooler now that I know they had really filthy minds.

DEBBIE HARRY

Debbie Harry is best known as the frontwoman for Blondie, one of the seminal bands of the New York City punk scene. I listen to Blondie all the time because they can’t be grouped into one distinct genre- their sound combines new wave, reggae, rap and pop as well as punk.

Blondie was such an inspiration to me because in an era where guys were running the show, here was a band that was led by a hot, blonde chick. She still looks great, too- I’ll probably look half as good as her when I’m 65.

CHRISSIE HYNDE

I actually met Chrissie Hynde. I was in Washington, DC about 15 years ago and she was at a rally fighting for animal rights. So, not only is she one of the most iconic women in the history of music, but she also stands up for those who can’t support themselves. She’s also one of the nicest people on the planet, BTW.

LOVE HER.

JANET JACKSON

Janet Jackson emerged as the “girl” in one of music’s most all-time successful families to form a career that’s been showing everyone how it’s done for almost thirty years. In 1991, she signed the first of two multi-million dollar contracts, both of which would break previous records signed by any recording artist thus far. She’s also managed to cross over into acting, starring on TV and in movies while still maintaining a successful record of noteworthy album sales. She could have easily sat back and just borrowed money from her brothers but she was determined to roll around in her own cash. Fuck yes.

JANIS JOPLIN

Did any of you know “Piece of My Heart” was a cover? That’s a sign of a truly monumental talent- one that can take an original piece and turn it into something completely different. I can only imagine what Janis Joplin would be doing now if she hadn’t totally fucked herself up.

JOAN JETT

Joan Jett is one of my idols. After The Runaways disbanded, she decided to start her own career. Jett got rejected by 23 major labels, so she started her own, independent label, Blackheart Records. From there, she recorded a cover of “I Love Rock and Roll” and made it her own. In a genre where the boys are all mentioned in one breath, Joan Jett is one of the most lauded and respected names in the business.

Plus, have you seen her lately? She looks fucking amazing. She’s what, 50?

CYNDI LAUPER

“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is the first song I remember dancing around to in my living room as a toddler. I developed a strong attachment to the way she rocked the punk look even though her music was happy and pop-y, and also her accent is from Queens.

We do not sound sexy, yo. Have you ever talked to people from New York City for extended periods of time? It’s like holding dialogue with Ray Liotta in Goodfellas.

MADONNA

She’s kind of a joke now, but think about everything she’s contributed to pop culture as a whole for the last thirty years.

I’m also kind of scared to say anything bad about her. Her velociraptor arms might crush my face.

SALT N PEPA

Rap was owned by the men until “Push It.”

SARAH MCLACHLAN

I’m personally not a fan, but I can’t put up a post about women in music and leave out the founder of Lilith Fair.

Plus anyone who ever watched Buffy, the Vampire Slayer knows what I’m talking about. That final scene of Season Two KILLED IT. (Thanks for NOT giving me the video, Youtube).

JONI MITCHELL

I remember my mom playing old Joni Mitchell records while I was growing up. I can’t say that I ever became a huge devotee, but there’s no way I can leave her out of a post of the most influential women in music.

STEVIE NICKS

Despite the fact that she just relinquished the rights to the best Fleetwood Mac tunes to Glee, Stevie Nicks remains one of the icons not just of women in rock, but in all of musical history.

NICO

Nico was the female behind The Velvet Underground, as well a solo artist, model and Warhol muse from the 1960′s through the early 80′s. She was the inspiration for a multitude of pop culture staples before and after her death in 1988, including Patti Smith, Stevie Nicks, Bjork, The Eurythmics, Elliott Smith, Blind Melon and Anberlin.

LINDA PERRY

Ignore her 4 Non-Blondes phase. Linda Perry has become one of the most sought-after songwriters and producers in the pop genre, collaborating with the likes of Pink, Christina Aguilera and Gwen Stefani.

LIZ PHAIR

Liz Phair hit the grunge scene hard at the same time as the guys, and even though I was too young to appreciate it then, I love Exile in Guyville now. Later she took a breather, had a son, and came back with a pop album, just to fuck with everyone’s head.

QUEEN LATIFAH

Queen Latifah started out as a rapper and has since transcended pop culture, starring in a (shitty) TV series and an Oscar-winning film, also earning an Academy Award nomination herself. She is the first female hip-hop artist ever to receive an Academy Award nomination for acting. She can also be seen in ads for Cover Girl as a spokesmodel, and in commercials for Jenny Craig.

I hate rap, but even I have to admit that’s pretty damn impressive. Will everyone shut up about whether she’s a lesbian or not? I don’t really give a shit. 

PATTI SMITH

Patti Smith, known as the “Godmother of Punk,” is one of the foremost reasons that I’m proud to be from New York City. Technically, she’s from Chicago, but she was one of the most important figures in the NYC punk and poetry movement. Her debut album Horses, as well her role in rock journalism, helped shape the way I listen to music. I also think it’s awesome that she received an honorary doctorate from the college that my mom went to.

Since her contribution to the music scene, Smith has since been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and been given the Polar Music Prize. She was also specifically chosen to close the farewell ceremony for CBGB’s.

Patti Smith is also directly responsible for the formation of R.E.M.- listening to Horses convinced Michael Stipe to start a band. So without Patti Smith, another of my favorite bands might not be around today. Thank you, Patti Smith.

THE RUNAWAYS

You thought they were a novelty until they picked up their fucking instruments. Too bad Lita Ford resorted to 80′s hair metal.

BRITNEY SPEARS

Laugh if you will- she changed the face of teenybopper pop and managed to resurrect her career numerous times after a multitude of personal fall-outs. “Till the World Ends” is a pretty great club hit that could be just the comeback she needs.

TINA TURNER

I first was introduced to Tina Turner when she took on the role of The Acid Queen in The Who’s Tommy. Of course, I saw it when I was five and I had no idea what an “acid queen” was; I only knew that I was mesmerized.

Later, I learned that Turner had overcome an abusive relationship with Ike to escape with both of their careers and legs that would take me years of pilates and eating only Ritz Bits. She STILL has better legs than I do. Holy shit.

SHANIA TWAIN

I happen to think her music blows. However, 1997′s Come On Over is the best-selling album of all time by a female musician and the eighth-best selling album of all time in the US.

ANN & NANCY WILSON

I saw Heart in concert a few years ago, and the Wilson sisters are still phenomenal. Not only is the band fantastic, all their songs sound exactly as they used to.

I saw them perform with Journey and Cheap Trick. I actually took my dad to this show because all of my friends refused to go with me. I actually asked the guy I was dating at the time and he laughed at me, then realized I was serious, so he told me no. A-hole.

Also, for those of you that love Cameron Crowe movies (such as myself), Nancy- his wife- wrote the score for a number of them, including Elizabethtown, Jerry Maguire and Vanilla Sky (let’s erase that last one). She also did the score for Almost Famous, which is my absolute favorite movie of all time, so that makes sense.

THE FUTURE:

ADELE

Adele’s voice blows me away. I didn’t really notice her before, because I was never an enormous fan of her material, but I recently heard “Rolling In The Deep,” and I had my “holy shit” moment. It’s a really simple song, but there’s so much power in her vocal stylings that you can tell that every word out of her mouth is one hundred percent real emotion. Take note, Avril Lavigne.

Not to mention, I think she’s beautiful with hair that makes me superjealous. I wish reviewers would stop harping on the “even though she’s bigger” factor, because it doesn’t fucking matter. Her talent is amazing.

NIKKA COSTA

Nikka Costa’s track “Like A Feather” was featured in a Tommy Hilfiger ad in 2000, and I still listen to it today. Later, “Everybody Got Their Something” appeared on an episode of the sixth season of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, which is only one of the GREATEST TV SHOWS OF ALL TIME.

I’m not so big on the funk genre, but Costa’s music is pretty dance-able.

FEIST

I’ve had the honor of seeing Feist perform live twice- once with Broken Social Scene and another as simply herself. At the time I had no idea that this was the same artist (I’m a little slow sometimes).

We all know Feist, even if we don’t realize it- her “1234″ was featured in the iPod Nano ad and thus allowed her solo career to blow up. I’ll ignore the fact that she’s from Canada because of her myriad of talent.

Canada also, however, gave us Justin Bieber. So I guess they cancel each other out.

IMOGEN HEAP

I first heard Imogen Heap’s “Hide and Seek” in the second season finale of The O.C. I was immediately struck by the way her music deviated from most of the top-40 shit that was on the airwaves and downloaded the rest of the album Speak For Yourself.

Heap’s style is the definition of eclectic- she’s been known to use frying pans to create her music and leave subliminal messages for her friends and family. The only beef I have with her is that she allowed “Hide and Seek” to be sampled in that heinous Z-100 atrocity by Jason DeRulo.

ELLY JACKSON

Elly Jackson is the female half of the UK electro-dance-pop act La Roux. I first heard “Bulletproof” in Ginntastic’s car about a year ago and ever since then it’s been on perma-shuffle on my iPod. I’m usually not into this genre AT ALL so I can’t explain my attachment to La Roux- maybe it’s because they remind me of Boston Massacre 2010, or maybe it’s because their songs are so damn catchy. Just download their shit and see for yourself.

JULIETTE LEWIS

I love Juliette Lewis. She’s not only extremely versatile as an actress but her music is really fucking weird. She also just doesn’t give a shit. I’ve seen her perform with her band, Juliette and the Licks, and again in a solo performance, and she prances around onstage like she’s naked in her bedroom or something singing into her hairbrush.

Not like I’ve ever done that. Or anything.

SIA

Sia is better known as the vocalist for Zero 7, but if you haven’t heard anything else she’s done, you are seriously missing out. Her solo work is amazing. If you were a fan of Six Feet Under, you’ll recognize “Breathe Me” from the masterful final sequence of the series finale. She has also released multiple solo albums and collaborations and taken home a shitload of Australian awards and accreditations.

Sia also recorded a cover of Radiohead’s “Paranoid Android.” I was so excited about this that I can even forgive her for her contribution to the Twilight soundtrack.

Also, I just found out that her uncle is Colin Hay, the dude from Men At Work who’s now doing some pretty cool solo stuff. The More You Know.

VERUCA SALT

I used to LOVE Veruca Salt when I was a kid. Listening to them made me feel like such a badass. Later I found out there was a guy in the band, so the image was slightly tarnished, but I was still kind of into the whole “chicks with sticks” thing, so I didn’t really care. They toured with Hole in the mid-90′s and I’m still pissed that I was never allowed to see that show because I was “too young.” I still listen to “Seether” on repeat. That track is such a head-banger.

According to their Wikipedia page, Veruca Salt is still together, although it’s really just Louise Post and some people using the Veruca Salt name (I hate when they do that).

FLORENCE WELCH

Welch is the “Florence” behind the ubiquitous Florence + the Machine. The single “Dog Days Are Over” is probably one more advertisement away from becoming a cloying pop culture staple, but five million mad men can’t be wrong, right?

I loved this song immediately upon my first listen, and it’s pretty difficult to pass my initial test. Welch’s vocals sound like a cross between Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s and Jewel after a three-day bender. Florence + the Machine’s performance at the 2010 VMA’s marked the only time I’ve watched MTV in the past seven years (I turned it off immediately after, though).

Florence + the Machine was recently bestowed with Glamour‘s Band of the Year award, as well as the Musician of the Year award from Elle Style. They were nominated for a bunch of other accolades in ’09 and ’10, including distinctions from Q Magazine, MTV (I use “distinctions” loosely here), MOJO, Billboard and the Grammys.

Add this to the fact that this girl is only in her mid-twenties, and I expect to see an even bigger boost in her career. I’ll definitely be paying attention.

Of course this column wouldn’t be Nugs-approved if I didn’t have a section dedicated to those that piss me off. Take a look at the “artists” that set us females back twenty years.

BEYONCE

One of my very first posts was about how much I hate Beyonce. She’s like the cast of Glee- everywhere you look, there she is. Beyonce would go to the American Egg Farm Awards if there were cameras there of any kind.

Beyonce- WE GET IT! You’re alive! We see you! Time to move on and you know, do your job? Make some music?

Actually don’t do that either. Your songs suck.

MILEY CYRUS

Miley Cyrus is like Champion of the Whores. That’s pretty impressive for someone who’s about four years old. At first when she just had that stupid show on the Disney Channel I could tolerate her, because she wasn’t being marketed towards my demographic and it kept the kids quiet. Now she’s so desperate to get away from her Disney image that she can’t decide whether she’s a hillbilly or a trailer park slut. Those photo shoots with her dad where she’s laying with her head near his peen are incredibly fucking creepy. I love my dad too, but I don’t like, LOVE my dad, if you get what I’m saying.

Once I was with my mom when she was watching Oprah (I know) and she had Miley Cyrus on performing a song with Joan Jett. I almost dry heaved. So, for all of you that are aspiring to be like the Wakefield twins, you should seriously consider a strong helping of Miley Cyrus.

LADY GAGA

Lady Gaga pisses me off because if you listen to her music, she actually has a lot of talent and I wish I could list her in the first section of this post. With a few more credentials under her belt, I could have actually seen her becoming a fairly prolific songwriter. Her own music is pretty catchy too- “Bad Romance” is fucking great.

I just can’t stand her. I think she’s an asshole who says things that she may not even believe just because she can, and her miserable personality detracts from her abundance of musical capability. Did any of you catch her interview on 60 Minutes? Anderson Cooper looked like he wanted to punch himself in the throat just to get away from her.

Lady Gaga is originally from New York City, and recently outraged both Yankees and Mets fans at both stadiums. As a born-and-raised New Yorker myself, she offends me just by walking around. Her talent is wasted by her constant, pathetic need for attention. High school is over, dude. You already got back at your haters just by being Lady Gaga; now focus on the creative process and keep making your awesome dance hits.

Idiot.

COURTNEY LOVE

I still love Live Through This. In an era when grunge was dominated by the boys, Hole’s second album taught me that women could shake up the music industry as well. I kind of ignored the fact that the album was most likely written (uncredited) by Kurt Cobain and wore the shit out of that CD.

Later, after Cobain’s untimely death and the subsequent demise of Nirvana, Hole released Celebrity Skin, which was radically different from their first effort. It wasn’t BAD, just almost contradictory. Its sound was decidedly pop, whereas Live Through This had been able to rock out with the likes of Nirvana, Alice In Chains, STP and the rest. This just added fuel to the rumors that Courtney Love hadn’t penned any of the songs on the last album. Although reviews for both albums were generally favorable, a lot of the band’s fans were disappointed with the follow-up.

Of course, we now know Courtney Love better for becoming a monumental fuck-up. She’s since lost custody of her daughter, who won’t even speak to her (she reportedly lives with Cobain’s family) and posts asinine rants on Twitter that have so many grammatical errors I don’t even know where to look.

The saddest thing about Courtney Love is that she could have been a principal contribution to the history of music, and now she’s just a joke.

The file name for this picture was actually "disgracefully." Yup, sounds about right.

Kurt Cobain has been gone almost 20 years already. God, I’m so old.

GWEN STEFANI

Seriously? You’re 40. Stop.

There’s the Auralversary Edition of Aural Sex. I have no clue what I’m going to do for next month’s next post, so uh, suggestions (and dollar bills) welcome.

This weekend I was sitting on Mandy Moore‘s couch giving a makeover to Yvonne Lehead when I got a text from Sara Nips (there are so many sexy things about that sentence). The entire Nip Clique has been super excited for her upcoming Vegas honeymoon because let’s be honest, The Hangover has nothing on our more-than-slight homoeroticism.

Even though we’re spread (haha. “Spread”) all over the country, with two of us on other continents, most of us are East Coast based, so imagine, if you’re not too afraid, the reaction that Mandy and I had when Nips shot me a sext announcing that Andy was thinking of changing their honeymoon destination to my hometown of New York City.

After we had finished “Squee-ing” and cavorting around in heterosexual matrimony, Mandy and I pulled ourselves together and concocted a plan to get Nips over to our side of the flag. Apparently she didn’t need that much convincing because her next message was a request for a list of fun stuff to do in New York to help sway Andy over to the Dark Side (join us! We have roofies).

I of course immediately agreed to this because A) making lists and spreadsheets and color coding shit is like having sex to me and B) anything that lures Sara Nips into my dungeon bathtub ninja lair automatically equals WIN.

I sent her like a three-page email of the REAL New York City, color coded by section with links to the most important food, music, bars and classic sights. Apparently this made her day because not only did Nips forward this to all our friends, but posted quotes from the email on Facebook. Later I was told that my “real” NYC guidebook was hilarious, so for all of you who are planing a trip here, I decided to help you out and post it for you.

So here’s how to do New York City on a bargain, the RIGHT way, without coming across as a desperate tourist or angry foreigner. Frommers, you are officially my bitch.

My email to Sara Nips is below:

Yay! You’re coming to NY! (Please???)

4) It must be extra drippy with the oil (I call this “Joker Mouth”).

The Wax Museum (which I will not go into with you because I’m afraid of it)

It rubs the lotion on its skin...

Ripley’s Believe It Or Not

Sephora (it’s HUGE. I can never just walk away.)

The NY Pass is really cheap- about 60 bucks- and it gets you into a bunch of the main NYC attractions (Times Square, Statue of Liberty, etc). No strip clubs, though, sorry.

Shut up! You don't own me.

ZOMIGOD, you guys.

Not only is it the six-month anniversary of SMAC, but to celebrate, we have a fucking amazing list. For some reason, the June Edition is all Nip Clique or Nip Honorary, so just click through the links and don’t jerk it too hard.

PS- for those of you that are pissed that you didn’t get an email this month, note that on May’s edition I instigated a new rule in which I clearly stated that if you do not let me know, by email, that you’re in the ring, YOU’RE NOT INVITED. I seriously can’t keep track of everybody, so you need to help me out. I need to hear from you by the 20^th of the month, and the swap list goes out on the 21^st. That’s it. Done.

I love you.

This month I’m posting for Harley, who not only is incredibly hot but has the accent to go with it (SO jealous), so if you head over No Pressure No Diamonds you’ll get to read my assessment of why Aladdin has ruined my future in procreation.

Before you do that, though, scroll down to capture Sara Nips’ review of the eye-bleeder that is Space Jam. You lucky bitches get a double does of Nips and I since I posted for her last month, so…hooray?

BTW, Nips has now opened my eyes to a world of possibilities for baby names. If I have a son, I’m naming him Basketball Jones. Middle name Andy.

Andy and I originally set out to watch the movie Space Jam, so I could write my shitty movie review post. We rented the movie, popped some popcorn, and hit play.

We literally made it through less than a minute. (Special Nugs Commentary: Clearly, Nips neglected to partake in the “Two-Disc Special Edition” you see up above, because then they may have gotten through a good five minutes. Or maybe not.)

After the movie opened with the most amazing ballad of all time (“I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly), Andy mentioned that he owned the soundtrack to Space Jam and used to rock that shit on a regular basis. Obviously, my only reaction was to press pause and listen to the entire Space Jam soundtrack, beginning to end. And to be honest, the soundtrack to Space Jam is where the real magic is happening.

It was impossible to play “Basketball Jones” without 90s dancing all up in the living room and freaking out our dogs. Space Jam has the most perfect humping soundtrack I’ve ever heard. And I fully intend on testing this out in the near future.

The soundtrack to Space Jam is the perfect representation of 90s music. The songs on that soundtrack have beats that make you feel like you’re in a night club you can never escape, creepy ballads sung by creepy people, and songs that remind many of us of Friday night skating rink parties or kissing with braces.

Everyone knows the movie Space Jam is shittastic because we were all forced to watch it a millionty times in elementary school. (Seriously, is this the only movie my school had for rainy days?) But the hidden gem in all of this is truly the music that comes along with the movie. Do yourself a favor and have a listen.

P. S. I realize that I didn’t actually review the movie at all because I’m super lazy and distracted easily by dancing like an old person in my living room for hours at a time. Don’t hate.

P. P. S. I get to host my best bloggity friend on my blog for the movie review this month! I may have cried a few tears of joy when I found this out. Obviously I had to clean up the place, light some candles, put on my Space Jam soundtrack….. you get the idea. If my blog is rockin’, don’t come knockin’, yo. (Plus Lor (roxanneandlorraine.blogspot.com) actually did a movie review post like we were supposed to. Go figure.)

It’s not Tuesday.

I will defend myself by stating that this post is NOT LATE. First of all, it’s Friday the 13th today, so I figured this was a good day to post instead of the usual Tuesday. Because I’m scary. BAM.

I also wanted to give you even more time to get your stuff in. And only three more of you actually did it. Really, you guys? Really? You had like two months. FAIL. No more waiting. You lose.

For those that did manage to send me your music picks, you are all countless shades of awesome. Thank you for participating in this month’s edition of Aural Sex. I can’t pay you or anything, because my first paycheck hasn’t come in yet and I’m surviving on tap water and soup, but um… YAY? Do you accept sweaty hugs? Or straddling?

Anyway, for May’s Guest Minions Edition of Aural Sex, I recruited some of my friends to send me their favorite bands and most anticipated summer albums. I would have done it myself, but you all get more than enough of me every month, and besides, I’m equal parts busy and lazy.

So, uh, yeah. I’m out of funny today because I’m working fourteen hour days and barely even remembered to post this. So here you go. I highly recommend that you download all most of these.

PS- I totally wasn’t kidding about the straddling. I don’t have a lot going on.

ALLISON, MY QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS

Tits is one of my best bloggy friends ever. How much do I love this girl? Let’s count the ways.

1) She sends me sexy texts about office supplies (yellow legal pads give me fetish dreams)

B) The Nip Clique recently pooled our 35 cent life savings together and sent her a birthday gift basket of chocolate and midgets. (Just kidding about the chocolate)

Meerkat) Have you seen her legs? She is so hot.

BONUS) Even though she likes Fallout Boy (I know.), I am still letting her post for me. Take a look:

Okay so like three months weeks ago, Nugs asked me to give her the three Cd’s I am most anticipating in the next couple months. And like the awful friend I am, i am just now getting it to her. Yeah, I blame that life thing i sometimes have some semblance of. Since Nugs already covered the epic new Foo Fighters Album, i am going to leave it off my list even though my heart beats with death of a thousand suns for the Foo Fighters.

Vices and Virtues by Panic! at the Disco (March 22): Okay so technically I already own this album. I totes bought it the day it was released. Mock if you must (and most of you must) I love Panic almost as much as I loved Fall Out Boy (I’m still in mourning over the break-up). Even though they are now a duo instead of a quartet, it doesn’t feel like anything is missing from the sound. Vices and Virtues is the perfect mix of A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out and Pretty. Odd. It tends to fall back on the original Panic! sound but with some sweet notes from their foray into beatles-esque that was their second CD.

This Loud Morning by David Cook (June 28): So I totally admit I still watch American Idol, and I voted for David Cook. I was pretty much won over by him when he turned Lionel Richie’s Hello into an Emo song. I’m excited to see what he’s going to do for his sophomore Cd. He debuted the lead-off song The Last Goodbye on Idol a couple weeks ago, and it was hands down the best song sung on Idol in the last year. He has a talent and a musicality that current Idol contestants are just lacking.

Gravity Happens by Kate Voegele (May 24): Singer-Songwriter-Musician and current One Tree Hill cast member Voegele has been hard at work on her third CD. Voegele has a very current interesting sound similar to Sara Bareilles, with a little bit of a harder edge. Voegele plays both piano and guitar and she could certainly be the new face of Chick-Rock ala Alanis Morissette except with a less angry-lesbian vibe. I love her second Cd, A Fine Mess, and i’m sure i’m going to love this one too.

Bonus: Somewhere in the Stratosphere by Shinedown (May 3): Not really a CD of new music, Shinedown is releasing a 2 CD/ 2DVD set of music from live sets from both their acoustic and electric tours. I happen to love their last album, Sound of Madness, even though i was never really a Shinedown fan previously. So i’m excited to get a listen to this album, i expect the competing versions of stripped down to electric are going to cause me to have some sort of eargasam. I willing to place bets that i like the acoustic version a little bit better.

I am SUPER stoked for this month’s edition of the Horrible Movie Blogring because:

A) We’ve FINALLY chosen a name! After a lot of arguing, tears and a massive, nipply slumber party where vodka and water balloons made their requisite appearances, I give you the Shitty Movie Awareness Club, a.k.a SMAC. Special thanks to Coyote Tits for letting me basically cop her idea for myself (PS- it’s her birthday this week! Feel free to drop by her blog and leave lots of inappropriate pics. She likes ponies. Hairless ones).

2) Have you guys seen the list of participants this month? It makes my loins eyes wet. We have the regular psychos who actually take the time each month to sacrifice their dignity, and now, for the first time, I have almost the entire Nip Clique in on this. When I was preparing the swap list for May I almost cried tears of happiness. I am seriously THAT EXCITED.

Speaking of the swap list, every time the reviews go up I inevitably get complaints that I left people out. Well, guess what? When this ‘ring started in January I had four people, including myself. Now I have between 15-20 every month, and I can’t remember who goes where (hmmm… sounds sexy. Call me <3). No more assuming- if you want in, send me a goddamn email, or you’re not invited.

Squirrel) Not only do I get to post my assault on From Justin to Kelly for Sara Nips (SQUEEEE!!!!!), but this month I got to host Tsa for the first time ever!

Tsa is another one of my best bloggy friends because she was actually insane cool enough to show me around San Francisco when I visited a few months ago. If she weren’t so awesome I would have wondered if there were something wrong with her. There probably is- I mean, she did willingly hang out with me, more than once.

If this pairing gets you totally hot, BTW, you might also want to pick up the third issue of her zine, Be About It- it features a guest post from me about dreams. It’s only $2.50, plus shipping.

So, here’s Tsa’s contribution to SMAC: The Pop Stars Edition. Check out my review on Nips’ blog, and don’t forget to email me for next month! I’m at thataintkosher83@gmail.com, and emails are due by Friday, May 20th.

Pop stars, pop tarts, poop stars. When was the last time you saw a good movie starring an icon from popular music? Take a minute and think about it, I’ll wait. When I try to rack my brain over good pop star movies I come up with that one Billie Holiday movie with Diana Ross playing the blues legend, Lady Sings The Blues, and the Selena film with Jennifer Lopez, but after that I’m at a loss. Maybe those two movies were good because the roles the singers played weren’t all that different from their day jobs. Remember that Mariah Carey movie? I blanked it out from my memory. I’m just trying to say that pop starlets aren’t usually amazing actors, and the movies they chose to take part in usually suck the big one– and that’s not saying they suck in a horrendously hilarious way but in a blinding myself by gouging my eyes out with a spork kind of way. All of that aside, what if I told you that a movie existed that is amazingly bad as it is superbly thrilling and features not only pop stars but rappers? Lots of them. Do I have your attention?

State Property 2 is the movie I was hinting at. Written, directed and starring Dame Dash, co-founder of Roc-A-Fella Records, which explains a lot as SP2 is kind of like a big wank-off to Dame’s importance in the music and crime world. If you’ve never heard of him before but you know of Roc-A-Fella Records (the other co-founder is Jay-Z), don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m here to hold your hand for the rest of the post if you need me to. Kidding. No one cares or ever talks about Dame Dashbecause he’s an asshole as Kanye West will tell you. Getting back on track, SP2 is a sequel but watching the first State Property is not a requirement, and actually I would warn against it. The sequel is a vast improvement over the original; it’s funny and silly where the first film took itself too seriously and fell very flat in its delivery. The first time I viewed SP2 my mom happened to
be in the living room with me reading through a magazine, but I kept catching her looking up to watch the movie. She even laughed a few times. SP2 is mom-approved, if that tells you anything.

Aside from Dame and his ego (both prominent figures) the movie also stars Beanie Sigel, Freeway and Omillio Sparks, three Philly rappers, as well as Mariah Carey (as a high-maintenance girlfriend), Ol’ Dirty Bastard of the Wu-Tang Clan (as a snot-nosed burger flipper), and a slew of other hip-hoppers that I could name but I’ll spare you. The story-line is incredibly weak and pretty much non-existent. Have you ever listened to a skit on a hip-hop album? If you answered yes, good. If not, go download some hip-hop albums before you continue reading this. The movie is basically a series of set-ups for silly skits, a la “Deeez Nuuuts” and “The Doctor’s Office” on Dr. Dre’s game-changing album The Chronic. Some of the skits in SP2 are really funny, spit-take funny at times, but even the most hilarious selection of skits can feel empty when there isn’t a plot to carry them.

To end this on a positive note, State Property 2 is the kind of movie that you watch when you have a bunch of friends over and you want to talk and have fun but also have something ridiculous going on in the background. According to iMDB the word “fuck” is used in the film about 270 times, so that’s a good drinking game right there.

I know I promised you guys a collabo this month, but there’s been a slight (read: huge) change because that idea kind of didn’t work out.

A) As it happens, KROD videos went up today too, and I know a lot of you are pumped about that. I actually would have done it as well, but I had to stick to my own deadline. Sorry! Next month, for sure. <3

2) Only two of you got your posts to me on time. What the fuck, guys? I gave you what, like, a month? I have all these cookies on the table and none of you get ANY OF THEM.

Cat) The second Tuesday of April happens to be the day Foo Fighters drop their seventh LP, Wasting Light. For the three of you who aren’t aware, I’ve been infatuated with them since junior high, and since today is Aural Sex day, I decided to push the guest posts back to May and dedicate this month’s column to the Foo’s.

I’ve been following Dave Grohl’s career since he first came up with Nirvana in the late 80’s. Even though I loved the first Foo Fighters album (aptly self-titled), I wasn’t made fully aware of his encompassing genius until the 1997 release of The Colour and the Shape. Since then, I’ve been to every tour, including one secret show in LA a couple of months ago. Dave came so close to me that I could almost grab his shoe and take it home with me as a souvenir. I didn’t though, because that would have been creepy.

Anyway, for this month’s special Foo Fighters edition of Aural Sex, I’ve ranked all their studio albums in order of my favorites, provided a list of my top 20 Foo tunes, and, for your enjoyment, linked to their three best videos. Not only can Dave Grohl play every single instrument, front the band AND host a million side projects, but he’s also hilarious. God, Dave Grohl, stop not sucking. (PS- his birthday is two days after mine, albeit with a few years on me. Further proof that Capricorns are, in fact, taking over the universe.)

Here’s my definitive guide to all things Foo. As a thank-you, I accept cash, check, and Lion-O action figures.

(For those of you jonesing for more of my musical expertise, you can also catch me on Allison’s blog, My Quarter-Life Crisis, today. It’s her birthday, so she recruited me to send her a party playlist devoted to her. Narcissism- gotta love it.)

FOO FIGHTERS ALBUMS IN ORDER OF AWESOME:

The Colour and the Shape (1997)

There’s a reason this is everybody’s favorite- every single track on this album is straight-up amazing. I knew as soon as I heard this that it was a classic, even though it had only been released a week prior. People that don’t even like Foo Fighters (I can’t imagine that one might exist, but they probably do, somewhere) love this album.

Best Track: Everlong. By a hair.

Foo Fighters (1995)

The album that allowed Dave Grohl to come into his own, Foo Fighters’ self-titled debut was actually written and recorded almost entirely by Grohl. I had no idea when listening to this the impact this band would have on my life; I just knew that my mind was sufficiently blown.

Best Track: God, this was tough. I’ll say… I’ll Stick Around. (Yes. Yes, I will.)

Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace (2007)

This album went back to original form- i.e. Dave screaming. Apparently the band realized that even though they’re great no matter what, this is the formula that works out the best for them (see: Wasting Light).

Best Track: The Pretender

Wasting Light (2011)

I first heard every track on the Foo’s newest album at their secret show in LA a couple of months ago, and I got so excited I was almost aroused. I made a total ass out of myself in front of the friend I went with, jumping around all tard-like. I’m surprised he still talks to me.

The band members are all in their 40’s with kids, but my God, they rock harder than anything I could ever come up with (they played a THREE HOUR SET of the entire new album, plus two hours of all their old shit). I am so psyched for any and all future material if this is any indication.

Best Track: Arlandria

In Your Honor (2005)

Just when I start to geek out over a new Foo Fighters CD, I find out that it’s a double album? There goes a day’s worth of work.

I seriously suggest checking out the second CD; the tracks are acoustic and it really showcases the entire band’s sublime musical efforts.

Best Track, First CD: Best Of You

Best Track, Second CD: Over And Out

One By One (2002)

The best part of One By One was the bonus DVD that came with it that included “Making Of” videos, computer goodies and other fun shit.

Best Track: All My Life

There Is Nothing Left To Lose (1999)

Just because this is last on the list in no way makes this the worst Foo Fighters album. There IS no worst Foo Fighters album. I couldn’t choose which record belonged at the bottom of the list, so I grudgingly picked this one.

Best Track: Next Year

MOST EPIC FOO FIGHTERS TRACKS: (in chronological order; feel free to include your own)

This Is A Call- Foo Fighters

I’ll Stick Around- Foo Fighters

Big Me- Foo Fighters- The video is hysterical. See below.

Monkey Wrench- The Colour and the Shape

Hey, Johnny Park!- The Colour and the Shape

My Hero- The Colour and the Shape- Supposedly written for Kurt Cobain, not even an inclusion inVarsity Blues could diminish its value (not like I own that movie. Or anything).

Everlong- The Colour and the Shape

Walking After You- The Colour and the Shape- Also used on the soundtrack to the first X-Files movie, it straddles the line between stalkerish and beautiful.

Learn To Fly- There Is Nothing Left To Lose

Next Year- There Is Nothing Left To Lose- Some interesting trivia- this song was used in the “Wipeout!” episode of the WB show Roswell. The Foo’s record label, started by Dave, is called Roswell. Coincidence?

Yeah, probably.

All My Life- One By One

Best Of You- In Your Honor

Marigold- Skin and Bones- For a while the only way to experience this song was to catch one of the band’s live performances. It began as a Nirvana B-side and was later released on the Foo’s live album, Skin and Bones. It’s the only tune to this day that has the distinction of being released by both Nirvana and Foo Fighters.

Skin and Bones- Skin and Bones

Everlong (Acoustic)- Skin and Bones- Almost as epic as the original. You should see them perform this live.

The Pretender- Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace

Let It Die- Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace

Long Road To Ruin- Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace

White Limo- Wasting Light

Arlandria- Wasting Light

BEST FOO FIGHTERS VIDEOS:

Big Me- Easily the funniest of all their videos, the concept is a play on the Mentos commercials. Seriously, just download this and wait to laugh.

Learn To Fly- Finally, something Dave Grohl is not good at- dressing in drag.

Best Of You- Baby animals are adorable- except when they’re eating each other. Oh, well. Enjoy anyway.

Also for your consideration:

Everlong

Breakout

Finally, as if this weren’t enough for you, I’ve included a list of the most tri-winning of all of Dave Grohl’s contributions to the music industry, not including Foo Fighters. By reviewing this list, it’s pretty obvious why he (and Thom Yorke, of course- can’t leave him out) is clearly one of the most incomparable powerhouses in entertainment.

Nirvana- I don’t think I need to explain this one to anyone over the age of sixteen, so I’ll just move on.

Queens of the Stone Age- Grohl was a featured guest drummer throughout the band’s stellar 2002 record Songs For The Deaf. He also joined them for a few tour dates, which I sadly missed because I HATE YOU LIFE. This is part of the reason why I am such a huge QOTSA fan- the album was one of my Best Of for the 2000’s.

Juliette Lewis- He recorded all the drums for Lewis’ band, Juliette and the Licks’, 2006 album Four on the Floor. Not many people know this, but if I were ever to give up the penis, it would be for Juliette Lewis. I love her. Not only is she an extremely versatile actress, but she is so fucking weird. I recently saw her put in a surprise appearance for some random band in some show in LA and she was just nuts. I might buy this album just for that combination alone.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers- Grohl performed with them on Saturday Night Live and was later invited to join, but declined. I don’t know which is cooler- jamming with Tom Petty or actually turning him down.

David Bowie- Not only did Grohl contribute his guitar skills to a David Bowie track, but it was for a Neil Young cover (“I’ve Been Waiting For You”).

Paul McCartney- Grohl has jammed with McCartney several times, but the most notable was when he was chosen as McCartney’s “special guest” to perform the drum part on “Back in the U.S.S.R.” and “I Saw Her Standing There.” When Paul McCartney wants you as his “special guest” to play Beatles songs, you fucking do it. It’s like, are you kidding me? If he wants you as his “special guest” to grease him up to shoot himself out of a cannon lit by retarded monkeys, you fucking do it.

This was probably the better option, though.

Nine Inch Nails- Grohl was the drummer for a multitude of tracks on 2005’s With Teeth.

The Prodigy- Grohl played drums on a couple of songs on The Prodigy’s 2009 album Invaders Must Die.

Brian May/Roger Taylor- Grohl performed vocals on “Tie Your Mother Down” during Queen’s induction at the 2001 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Later, Brian May contributed guitar parts for the Foo Fighters track “Tired Of You.”

Them Crooked Vultures- Dave performs in the supergroup Them Crooked Vultures with John Paul Jones from Led Zeppelin and Josh Homme of QOTSA. In August of 2009, they surprised UK fans of the Arctic Monkeys by appearing as their support. How the fuck did I miss that? Oh right, because I’m broke and can’t afford to go to the UK. Their album was released in the US in November of 2009. It’s amazing. You should buy it.

Pearl Jam- Grohl performed a few songs with them during the Australian leg of their 1995 tour.

Probot- Dave’s foray into metal featured such mainstreams of the genre such as Lemmy from Motorhead and Max Cavalera from Sepultura.

And, as a bonus- In 2002 Dave replaced himself on the Billboard Modern Rock chart when Nirvana’s “You Know You’re Right” was shoved out of the top spot by “All My Life.” This was achieved a second time when QOTSA’s “No One Knows” rolled into Number One. Damn, Dave.

You will notice that Tenacious D appears nowhere on this list. That’s because Jack Black is annoying as hell and they’re not funny.

If you haven’t yet heard anything I’ve mentioned, go directly to iTunes and download everything. The Foos are on tour in support of Wasting Light right now and of course, with my great fortune, not coming anywhere near New York. Whatever. My time will come. I’ve already listened to the album twice today. They’ll come here eventually, and when they do, I am ARMED, yo.