That Ain't Kosher

My attention span blows today, so while I was supposed to be creating documents for work, I decided to screw around on the Internetz. There’s this one website I always go to,Pajiba.com, because it’s an excellent source of pop culture headlines, shirtless Ryan Gosling pics and general snarkiness.

Actually, I should probably watch my surfing in case I get fired. Oh haaaai Employee of the Month.

Anyway, I’m constantly on Pajiba because they post a whole bunch of shit that’s either current (movie/TV news), thought-provoking (promising actors that have since lost their relevancy) or include more sarcasm and witty commentary than an early episode of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

But sometimes, there’s paranoia-inducing, mind-blowing shit like the crap you see here.

The worst offender is Dustin, who’s always writing about shit I definitely should not be subjecting my inner child to on a daily basis. I should have learned my lesson back in November when I clicked on a link for a commercial that he had dubbed awkward enough to cause arousal, yet also fear. I was so consumed with similar conflicting emotions that I decided to write a post on this anomaly and share it with the world. Um, you’re welcome?

Last night, he posted this, which I made the mistake of clicking on right before bed:

http://www.pajiba.com/seriously_random_lists/its-midnight-on-the-east-coast-here-are-10-serene-cinematic-images-to-help-you-sleep-peacefully-tonight-.php

Do not be misled by the angelic title. This will fuck you up.

You’d think that would be enough to convince me to stay away, but I am an idiot. Dustin’s newest article was seemingly a progress report on the post-Harry Potter career of actor Daniel Radcliffe, so I figured there was nothing that could possibly cause me to lose any sleep or to send me to any kind of soundproof, padded room. Well, guess again. Instead it contained a trailer for his new movie:

A few weeks ago I made a promise to a few of my friends that I would finally check out the Harry Potter franchise, seeing as how I had never read any of the books or seen any of the films.

Yeah, no. That’s not happening.

Dolls are terrifying. Look at their faces. They’re waiting for me to die so they can steal my soul and that’s how people go to Hell. Unless of course the clapping monkeys kill you first. That’s how they roll, yo. None of this “inanimate object” BS. Don’t be fooled.

I can’t be the only one who is probably going to be really fucked up by this trailer. Who writes shit like this? Who walks around thinking this is OK? What the- no. Just no.

I hate you so much.

Today marks an incredibly important day in the history of ever:

It’s  SHARK WEEK 2011!

I am super excited- one might perhaps even say I am… shark-cited?

For those of you who don’t know about my unnatural obsession curious fascination with sharks (i.e. missed the post I wrote last year commanding you all to watch the Discovery Channel), let me defend myself by reminding you that Dude! It’s SHARKS. They probably know they’re awesome and jump around all, “yeah, I’m a shark. What’s up motherfucker? Time to get eaten.”

AHAHAHAHA!

Also in 2006 there was an episode that aired called 10 Deadliest Sharks where the mako shark was “teased and baited with chum.”

That sounds sexy.

My birthday is in 6 months. Just putting that out there.

Anyway, I prepare for Shark Week! every year. I announce its arrival to everyone who I’m 95% sure won’t have me committed, sometimes even weeks in advance, whether it be through phone calls, emails, or bouncing around excitedly like a retarded chihuahua on speed. I mark the impending date on all three of my calendars. I hit up the local supermarket for shark-related snacks. I even have a drinking game prepared, courtesy of tv.com, which is extra-frightening considering I’ll be watching most of the shows by myself (thanks a lot, assholes). I also invented a new activity, where the word “shark” is incorporated into everyone’s every day lexicon, a la the Smurfs, only less eye-gougingly irritating. For example:

“What the shark?”

“Shark, yeah!”

“That’s shark-tastic!”

“Please pass the shark.”

This year Shark Week! is hosted by SNL’s Andy Samberg (of “Dick In A Box” and “I Just Had Sex” fame). He’s usually pretty funny so I definitely approve of this pairing. The new line-up for 2011 promises to be just as shark-sational as last year, and I’ve provided a schedule for you guys so you know when exactly to call out sick to work.

Some of the highlights include:

ROGUE SHARKS- premiering Monday, August 1st, 9pm

Basically this is Jaws, but on TV and with multiple attacks by multiple sharks. I can’t wait to see a bunch of douchebags in swimming trunks get eaten. This is gonna be sweet.

KILLER SHARKS- premiering Tuesday, August 2nd, 9pm

Keeping with the theme of “sharks rule,” this documentary focuses on unsuspecting travelers in the 50′s that are all, “lala, we’ll go on vacation and ignore the fact that there are SHARKS IN THE WATER.” Dumbasses.

SHARK CITY- premiering Thursday, August 4th, 9pm

With what is decidedly the coolest name for a show ever, this portion of Shark Week! focuses on a handful of our subjects as individuals as they hunt, eat and size each other up. Look for the special interview where the head shark is like, “yeah, I’ve been a shark for about four years now. My hobbies include swimming around, chilling with my wife and baby sharks and chewing on peoples’ legs. My favorite band is Radiohead.”

Personally, I would also like to see a guest appearance by Sharktopus, but one can only dream.

Old episodes of Shark Week! are going on right now so the fact that your TV isn’t on is inherently disturbing. I myself am parked in front of the Discovery Channel with my Shark Bites, pausing only to alert you all by writing this post.

Breakfast of Champions

If you do decide to partake in the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, let me know how it goes, and what your favorite experience (or six) was.

See you all in a week.

Last week I wrote a post about my failed hookup with a slab of Canadian Bacon. I honestly didn’t think my story-telling skills were that terrible, but they were obviously bad enough to turn off three of my followers. I have no idea why they chose to quit reading That Ain’t Kosher, and at first I figured that they were disgusted by my PG-13 re-telling of my non-existent sex life.  Seriously, though, that’s pretty pathetic, seeing as how my details weren’t even that graphic. A couple of my friends read it, including those of the hardcore Christian variety, and their response was to laugh their ass off and tell me I was “full of win,” so whatever.

So I have determined that those few pansy-asses jumped ship due to my denouncing of the Canadian persuasion. Really, guys? Considering you’re solely responsible for unleashing the Satanic horde that is Bieber Fever onto this Earth, I’d say I went pretty light on your asses. That’s reason enough alone to to detach your entire country from this continent. I mean, before, Canada was one of those places everyone wondered about but never went to, like Narnia, with big closets and a secret language and a talking fucking magical lion. Now you’re famous for Bieber, so, uh, congratulations.

Look at the devil eyes. I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!!

At any rate, the fact that I lost three followers is mildly unsettling- as much as I like to talk shit about the border, I will admit that it has its redeeming qualities as well. So here is my attempt to call off the maple leaf-wielding masses with my official list of Canadian Things That Don’t Suck, Kind Of.

1) MY BEST BLOGGITY FRIENDS

Believe it or not (probably not), three of the most awesome people I’ve ever met are all located in Ontario. Two of my favorite bloggers, Tabs and Allison, both call the province home, and, in an honorable mention, Amber Lee of AmberPeace, has 51 COUSINS in the city of Windsor.

Not only do I have some amazing girlfriends I can crash with (uh, did I not mention my special invites? OH HAAAAI), but my oldest friend, who’s put up with me since we were both in high school, coincidentally also lives in Windsor. This guy has been with me all through my adult life, and now that he’s pushing thirty (AHAHAHAHA) I’m planning a Toronto vacation next year for the big birthday. We’re like brother and sister- you guys can blame him for my football obsession, and I definitely wouldn’t have passed high school chem if it weren’t for his “tutoring” (or the fact that I emailed him all my assignments- I am still anonymous, right?). He’s in med school now, which I can’t even believe when I think that I met him when I wasn’t even legal driving age. He knows who he is, so I’ll just say thanks.

B) HOCKEY

I went to my first NHL game when I was probably around eight years old, and I’ve been hooked ever since. Hockey players are hands down the toughest athletes in pro sports- you try getting back up when your throat’s been slashed by a skate blade and moving around the rink with masses of pounds of padding strapped onto your body. For those of you that haven’t put it together yet, I’m an obsessive Rangers fan, which means that while I don’t have any active extreme rivalry with any of the Canadian teams, Montreal is fucking awesome and they share our conference, so they’re fun to root against.

When I first went to hockey games with my brothers, who are hardcore hockey fans, the players were rougher and the fights were way more frequent and totally Jerry Springer-esque. I remember seeing two players smash each other up against the glass right in front of me at a Kings game (I saw Wayne Gretzky play live, FYI). Now the violence is toned down somewhat but the action is just as intense. I seriously recommend going to at least one NHL game in your lifetime- even if your home team blows (what up, Isles?).

PYGMY MARMOSET) WILLIAM SHATNER

The Shat is one of the coolest celebrities EVER. Even if you don’t think that Star Trek could actually happen (and um, I so don’t), you have to admit that his Priceline ads are hilarious. William Shatner is not only awesome because he’s synonymous with Captain Kirk, but he also isn’t afraid to make fun of himself- he voiced a version of himself on Family Guy and was in the forgettable misfire $#*! My Dad Says. I actually saw about ten minutes of one episode, and WOW.

He’s also a Jew, so all is forgiven. Shatner rules.

DD) RYAN REYNOLDS

Ryan Reynolds is shirtless in every single movie, probably because most of his movies suck. That’s OK, though: just look at him.

You could bounce coins off of that shit. There’s a reason the Canadian police have the word “mount” in their title.

AND FINALLY:

RYAN GOSLING.

I still refuse to see The Notebook, because it looks sappy and retarded, but Good Lord. I’m a Toys R Us kid.

And if that’s not enough for you (although why wouldn’t it be):

Steve Carrell better move his goddamn head.

Now I’m not saying that if I am ever alone with him in a room there definitely will be assault charges. I’m just saying that there definitely will be assault charges.

So I guess Canada can be pretty cool. I also hear Toronto is really nice, and hopefully I’ll be there in February for my friend’s thirtieth blowout. Just a heads up, Ryan Gosling, so you can escape while you have the chance.

This weekend was my last chance to party in NYC before I head out to Hell-A for work. In order to give me a proper burial that included one final taste of Ray’s Pizza, Hurricane came out for the funeral procession. We decided to leave my mark on as many Manhattan neighborhoods as we could manage, until we either passed out from lack of sleep/too much alcohol or collapsed due to the 118 degree (!) heat index. Unfortunately, that bitch Mother Nature had also altered her plans to revolve around me, and, with a combination of my immediate departure, the scorching temperature and my debilitating “physical problems” I wasn’t exactly looking for my next Captain America, ifyougetwhatimsayin.

Such is my life.

Since guys never notice that I’m alive and I rarely get hit on, I figured this probably wasn’t going to be an issue.

Hurricane and I chose our first destination mainly due to the fact that the wind chill had dipped to a frigid 98 degrees and we were basically looking for somewhere- anywhere- where the doors closed all the way. As soon as we stepped inside, we got accosted by some a-hole in a business shirt. That’s almost as bad as Ed Hardy as far as bar outfits go, BTW. After I had entertained this jerkoff for no more than five minutes he “suggested” that I accompany him back to his apartment.

He actually said to me, “I’ll be honest, I want to hook up with you.” I told him that it was pretty obvious, as from ten feet away he probably wasn’t attracted to my scintillating personality. He then advised that we skip the usual conversation and date part. What an incredible asshole.

I politely turned him down and he asked me to “explain my logic.” Dbag. I said that I wasn’t going to go home with a guy I just met five minutes ago and he immediately went into some philosophical rant about how that’s not a good reason because

1) I can Google him and find out that he’s not a serial killer and

2) he would be totally open to having some kind of friendship/relationship afterward.

I told him I didn’t want to see him afterward, let alone right now, and also judging from this conversation he probably had body parts in his closet. He also said he detected some kind of “physical attraction,” unless he was off. I replied that he was off. He added that I hadn’t told him to fuck off yet, so I “obviously felt something.” I told him I feel like I’m interested in this conversation because I find it hilarious and I want to see where else he’s trying to go with this. I also wanted to know, BTW, who wrote his scripts.

PS- I should have told him that he was about to “feel” my knee in his crotch. I always think of the best shit when it’s too late!

Then he told me that he would be the best hook-up I ever had. I laughed in his face. I told him that the fact that I said no 800 times and he’s still harassing me is enough to get me to never go anywhere with him, ever, except the nearest precinct. Also I admit the that I kept the conversation going partially so I could be a total bitch.

Then, just when I thought I was safe, he countered with, “here’s what we should do. Hook up.” I proclaimed that here’s what I should do- then I grabbed Hurricane, put our drinks on a table, and exited stage right. Out of the corner of my eye I watched him make a beeline for another, even younger girl who I almost thought about saving but I decided not to push it since I was already in the clear.

After that we decided to stick to places I had previously gotten loaded at and may have already made out with somebody already knew and loved. We chose one of the West Village music venues and this time it was Hurricane’s turn to meet some guy who, while decidedly pretty cute, was not taking the RealFeel all that great, while I agreed to play wingwoman. I talked to this dude’s friend for a while before I realized he was a total creeper. After a while he started yelling that he just HAD to see me again and he offered to give me a job at his company to get me to stay in NYC. I was terrified that he was going to offer to marry me. I was almost ready to smash my glass on the ground just so I could stab myself with one of the shards until I happened to look to my left for some assistance and realized that Hurricane’s future alimony check had a much hotter friend OH HAAAAI.

As it turned out, dude turned out to be from Toronto, which I could tell immediately because he actually said “ABOOT” and “EH.” HAHAHAHAHA! That is amazing! (PS, Tabs- I asked him if he knew you and he said no. If he wasn’t a total Canada stereotype I would have assumed he was lying because everyone knows you.)

Despite the fact that he looked almost EXACTLY like Peyton Manning but way hotter and with a decidedly more perfect nose, Canadian Bacon of course was a hockey fan , so we traded barbs about the Rangers vs. the Leafs. As a Blue Jays fan, he also harbored a disdain for the Yankees (sorry, Tits), so I decided right there that I was going to bear his perfect 6’3 children.

Seriously, imagine our genetic mashup.

He asked for my number within five minutes and I felt kind of bad because this other dude was watching but hey, you snooze, you lose. It’s not my fault that this guy implemented the MAC System.

Creeper Dude turned out to be a pussy that admitted defeat by just going home without saying goodbye or anything, so the rest of us- Hurricane, Sweatstack,  Bacon and myself- went for late night mac and cheese. After a couple of hours, Hurricane and the Stack were heavily making out on some bench while I silently cursed my own bodily functions. Hurricane had to get up super-early for work the next morning, so Bacon and I decided to hang out. Over the course of the night he had dropped hints that I was welcome to come back to his apartment, and I almost cried because STUPID STUPID PERIOD. When he finally asked me straight out to come home with him I made moving-related excuses because I was NOT telling some dude I just met about my womanly issues. It may have seemed kind of ballsy on his part to assume that I would just up and fuck him when I had known him for like, three hours; however, at this point we had already made out in the middle of the street and almost gotten hit by a car twice. So, uh, yeah. One can’t exactly blame a guy for “going there.”

Before you guys get all judge-y and shit keep in mind that again, I rarely get hit on and have not gotten any action in like three months AND there was vodka involved. I am usually not this big of a whore.

Anyway:

I did kind of like this guy and besides, his Canadian accent was hysterical and he let me make fun of him, and I didn’t want to be that girl- you know, the girl that lets a guy grope her in the street and then is like, “Well, thanks for doing awesome shit with your hands there. See ya!” So I decided to come clean (Ha. Ha ha.) and tell him,  ”look, I wasn’t going to say anything but I’m having girl issues. Like, GIRL ISSUES.” After some minimal blinking, he figured out what I meant and basically told me he was cool with it if I was, and we could do “other stuff.” Works for me! Let’s get a cab!

NYC Cab Driver and Elevator Personnel- if you are reading this, I apologize. That is all.

The last time I was in a guy’s apartment, he acted like a total pussy and pretended that he hadn’t invited me there for a session of deep railing (no, I don’t want a snack, just take off your damn pants already) so I was seriously impressed by how Bacon did not waste ANY TIME. He didn’t offer me a drink or anything, he just turned off the bedroom light, picked me up and like, practically threw me on the bed (that shit hurts, yo. I’m small and frail. Like a Smurf).

Come on, now. That shit ain't right.

Sidenote: his boxers said “Canada” on them. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

What I did not appreciate is how he kept telling me that there would be a “next time” and that he would pay me for me to fly back to New York whenever I wanted. I once hooked up with this guy I thought was my friend and I was expecting nothing else- just a fun night that could possibly (but probably not) lead to some interesting, sporadic hookups. The guy had the tendency (and by “tendency” I mean “constantly”) to treat women like doggy chew toys, so I didn’t even want it go any further. Then he totally ruined everything by declaring his “feelings” for me and spouting off a whole bunch of other shit that I knew wasn’t true (he admitted it later), and basically treated me like all the little 20-year-olds that follow him around and actually believe that they’re going to be his wife or something. It wasn’t what he said that pissed me off, it was the fact that he said it. BTW, I did confront him about this and we no longer speak. Guys, seriously- not every girl needs you to fall in love with them. Some of us really just want to acquire a booty call or- try not to fall over- really do want what you refer to as a “hookup.” Get over it.

Anyway, back to the Bacon. We had already come to the mutual agreement that we weren’t going to do what he had previously referred to as EVERYTHING, although things were getting pretty hot (dude is a dirty talker, which I have to admit was making me curse my girly problems even more). What made it even worse for both of us is the fact that he had an immaculate bedroom and white sheets. We got as far as we possibly could without actually going as far as we possibly could. Bacon got a little stingy when it came to the give-and-take; like, we already knew I wasn’t going to get any; but he expected me to do everything (and I mean everything) else? I think emphatically not. I wasn’t that much of a hard-ass, but all his begging made it even worse and I almost walked out. Oh, also: what I got WAS pretty good, but the constant self-accolades were seriously annoying. I don’t need a “preview,” I get it. You’re awesome. Let’s move on.

Here’s where the night got weird: My gross menstrual state left a lot to the imagination (hey, I was ABSOLUTELY willing; but I definitely understood his issues). I get that. Why, though, when he was totally willing to, ahem, make good use of his hands, was he so adamant about the no-sex clause? Wouldn’t that be like, less disgusting? Was it a no-sheets thing? I don’t know. That was totally bizarre. Has this ever happened to you guys?  I’d really appreciate some insight here because I am seriously confused.

Oh, Canada. Thanks for tarnishing my final memory of my home and native land.

At least I have a hilarious story to blog about.

As a music columnist (just go with it), I look for every opportunity to marry my two greatest loves- Ryan Reynolds and chocolate.

Ha! No. Well, yes, but seriously- any chance I get to make a connection between the two worlds of comics and music, count me in. Considering the shitty films we’ve been subjected to this summer, that gives me all the more reason to look back on the most badass collaborations between superheroes, supernerds and supersavants- the Comic Book Movie Soundtrack.

Unfortunately for the Comic Book Movie, most of them have the distinction of being pretty fucking terrible. For every The Dark Knight, there’s a Batman & Robin (I think I just got inspired for a new round of SMAC!). This was a particularly difficult list to compile because a lot of films in this genre are scored and don’t use a lot of songs in general. However, the ones that do decide to go the soundtrack route usually make good use of their decision.

Qualifications include having both a major comic book or graphic novel arc and a killer soundtrack. This leaves out breathtakingly abysmal pieces of shit such as Green Lantern (sorry, Ryan), The Green Hornet, Fantastic Four 1 AND 2, both Men In Blacks, Daredevil, Elektra and The Spirit. Unfortunately, this also invalidates Sin City, 300, Hellboy  1 and 2, Dick Tracy, A History of Violence, Road to Perdition, Ghost World, V for Vendetta, The Rocketeer (Fuck you! I like that movie!), and, somewhat to my dismay, all of the X-Men films, which have instrumental scores. Observe the list, laugh, cry, break shit, whatever.

CAUTION: There are some spoilers in this post if you haven’t read the books or seen the movies. So if you still scroll down, don’t get pissed at me or anything.

The BATMAN Franchise

Batman first made his appearance in DC Comics #27 in 1939 and has had six films made about him, the first being Tim Burton’s Batman in 1989. Batman also holds the honor of having both the best and worst biopics on this list- while The Dark Knight is not only my favorite comic book movie but also one of the most finely crafted and well-casted films I’ve ever seen in general, Batman & Robin is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I recommend you not watch unless under threat of slow, searing gas pain.

The character of Batman is seriously screwed up. If you think about it, he’s some dude with serious parental issues, running around in a cape thinking that he’s solving everyone’s issues when actually, people just want him to shut the fuck up with that annoying voice. That’s not an original concept or anything- if you take away the costume, you just described all my exes.

Three of the six Batman movies were scored (Batman Returns, Batman Begins, and The Dark Knight), and three of them had soundtracks. We’ll cover the soundtracked movies here, because even though they weren’t that great, the albums are pretty kick-ass.

Batman, 1989

The soundtrack to 1989′s Batman was written, produced and performed entirely by Prince, with some guest vocals. It sold three million copies domestically and was number one on the Billboard charts for six weeks. Even if the album sucked, which it totally didn’t, it was still created by Prince, which is an automatic win.

Batman Forever, 1995

Batman Forever has one of the best music compilations I’ve ever heard. I still listen to most of these bands- I’m a HUGE fan of The Offspring and probably have half their catalog on my iPod. As it turns out, a lot of people agreed with me- it sold almost as much as Prince’s Batman soundtrack and also reached #1 on the charts.

Too bad the movie sucked balls. I always feel kind of sorry for any film that’s awful and is riding on the success of another media collaboration.

Here’s a list of the most download-worthy tracks on the CD:

Smash- The Offspring

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me- U2

Tell Me Now- Mazzy Star

There Is A Light- Nick Cave

The Passenger- Michael Hutchence

The Hunter Gets Captured By The Game- Massive Attack with Tracy Thorn

Kiss From A Rose- Seal (I’m not a huge fan of this one, but it won like a zillion Grammys, so I thought I would include it)

Also, here are some more artists featured on the album. I don’t necessarily like all of them, but seeing as how this was the mid-nineties, these are all excellent choices for a collaborative CD.

Sunny Day Real Estate

Method Man

PJ Harvey

Brandy

The Flaming Lips

Batman & Robin, 1997

If it’s possible, this one was even worse than Batman Forever. I remember that I actually saw this movie in theaters with the kid I was babysitting and even he wanted his money back. It was laughably, supremely awful. Another crime this film has committed: it makes me NOT want to look at George Clooney’s rubber nipples. Shame on you, Batman & Robin.

If you insist on watching this movie, you should probably just fast forward to Uma Thurman’s scenes as Poison Ivy. They are hilarious.

Youtube wouldn’t let me embed this, but here’s a brief preview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xk_ZyEUR2Y

The soundtrack, however, is pretty decent. There’s a few choice tracks on there, and some really popular artists- back in 1997. R.E.M. is one of my all-time favorites, and I’ve had a rebirth of ladywood for Smashing Pumpkins ever since I saw them live last summer.

Revolution- R.E.M.

Foolish Games- Jewel

The End Is The Beginning Is The End- Smashing Pumpkins

The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning- Smashing Pumpkins

Some artists that are featured on the soundtrack that I’m not totally into, but are worth mentioning as a lot of people were listening to them back then:

Goo Goo Dolls

R. Kelly (I would make a joke here, but everything’s already been done, so I’ll just let it go)

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

Soul Coughing

THE CROW

I’m ignoring the sequels and intended remake because The Crow is such an amazing movie and graphic novel. I love Bradley Cooper, but he makes no sense for this franchise and I am so worried that this reboot is going to be really stupid. So I’ll just console myself with Netflix.

At any rate, The Crow‘s musical compilation features a ton of bands that I love, some performing tracks written by even more bands that I love. The standout is definitely Nine Inch Nails’ interpretation of Joy Division’s “Dead Souls.” It was the first time I ever experienced an eargasm, only I didn’t know what it was because I was like, six or something.

Here are the most noteworthy tracks on the CD:

Dead Souls- Nine Inch Nails (originally performed by Joy Division)

Burn- The Cure

Darkness- Rage Against The Machine

Big Empty- Stone Temple Pilots

Ghostrider- Rollins Band

And as usual, a list of other artists featured on the album:

Pantera

Violent Femmes

Jesus and Mary Chain

The IRON MAN Franchise (Thanks to Shells for reminding me about this one)

I really dug the first Iron Man film. I could totally get into a comic book movie that was tailored to adults, yet still shamelessly exploited the wants and needs of little kids. Plus they could have turned the camera on Robert Downey, Jr. while he toured a box factory for two hours and I would have stood in line for three days and bought twelve tickets at retail price.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdBSCjG4yFM

The music featured in the first film was all scored by Ramin Djawadi, but the guitar pieces were done by Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave, so I was still superexcited.

The second movie, unfortunately, wasn’t as enjoyable. It focused too much on Gwyneth Paltrow’s unnaturally shiny legs and nasally indigestion voice. The soundtrack, however, was basically a showcase of my #mostfavoritestartistsEVER playlist, so it definitely makes my list. Some of the bands on the soundtrack include AC/DC, who are featured prominently throughout the movie, The Clash, Beastie Boys, Queen and Daft Punk.

And of course, if you hadn’t figured this out by now, Ozzy’s classic “Iron Man” plays in both films. The way it cuts into the ending of the first Iron Man is epic.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD

I saw this movie opening day and immediately fell in love with it. I have no idea why it performed so poorly. I do have my theories, though.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is based on the second in a series of graphic novels released in 2004. The Scott Pilgrim movie is maybe the most exact description of the words “graphic novel film” that anyone has ever come up with.

The entire movie is like a giant video game. Enemies turn into coins, Scott Pilgrim has a scene where he fights the evil version of himself, and there’s a pop culture reference every ten seconds. There was a character named Stephen Stills, and I was the ONLY ONE in the theater that laughed. I CAN’T be that nerdy. Or can I?

The music in the movie is not only great, it’s fun. Scott Pilgrim is like the high schooler’s Google Reader version of High Fidelity. Scott Pilgrim’s band, The Sex Bob-ombs ( a Mario Bros. reference- and I was NOT the only one that caught that), performs music written by Beck, and the songs by their rivals, Crash and the Boys, are composed by Broken Social Scene. The band Clash at Demonhead, meanwhile, was inspired by Metric, who my friend E was listening to years ago, before anyone knew who they were. E, BTW, is chilling somewhere in the UK right now, that lucky bitch.

As if that weren’t enough, some of the artists on the soundtrack are Frank Black, T-Rex, The Rolling Stones (with the classic track Under My Thumb), Dan The Automator, Kid Koala and Radiohead producer Nigel Godrich. Also, tying into its Comic-Con theme, genuine music from The Legend of Zelda can be heard in a dream sequence.

Through Universal Studios, a teaser trailer was released as part of Scott Pilgrim’s marketing campaign featuring music from The Prodigy, The Tings Tings, Be Your Own Pet, Cornelius, Blood Red Shoes and LCD Soundsystem, who I’m still depressed about.

SPAWN

The Spawn soundtrack is pretty damn ace. Comprised solely of collaborations, all its tracks are in the electronica, industrial or hard rock genre. It debuted at #7 on Billboard and sat on the charts for 25 weeks, selling over 500,000 copies domestically.

Some of the most bad-ass tracks on the CD include:

(Can’t You) Trip Like I Do- Filter & The Crystal Method

One Man Army- The Prodigy & Tom Morello

Long Hard Road Out of Hell- Marilyn Manson & Sneaker Pimps

Tiny Rubberband- Butthole Surfers & Moby

Torn Apart- Stabbing Westward & Wink

Familiar- Incubus & DJ Greyboy

T-4 Strain- Henry Rollins & Goldie

Kick the P.A.- Korn & The Dust Brothers

Spawn- Silverchair & Vitro

Other artists featured that are worth mentioning include Kirk Hammett, Metallica, Silverchair, Slayer, Atari Teenage Riot and Soul Coughing. Seriously, I just gave you almost the whole CD. Pick this shit up.

The SPIDER-MAN Franchise

Since 1962, Spider-Man (and that’s the correct spelling, not Spiderman or Spider-man) has been releasing sticky crap out of his hands. Again, a blazing reminder of every guy I’ve ever dated.

Anyway, the companion albums to the Spider-Man films are perhaps the most accurate portrayals of the superhero identity crisis in general, especially the teenage angst part- there’s rock, pop, and a shit-ton of emo.

The best tracks are as follows:

Spider-Man, 2002:

Learn To Crawl- Black Lab

Shelter- Greenwheel

When It Started- The Strokes

Hate To Say I Told You So- The Hives

The artists featured on the CD aren’t bad either. The basset hound from Nickelback recorded the song “Hero” for the soundtrack, along with Josey Scott from Saliva, Tyler Connolly from Theory of a Deadman, Matt Cameron from Soundgarden and Pearl Jam and Mike Kroeger from Nickelback. I personally can’t stand this song, but it went 4x platinum in the US and hit #3 on the Billboard Hot 10o, as well as #1 on the Modern Rock charts, becoming a massive cross-promotional hit.

Other bands on the soundtrack include Alien Ant Farm, Sum 41, Macy Gray and Pete Yorn, with the Spider-Man main title getting its own reboot by Aerosmith.

Spider-Man 2, 2004:

In my opinion, this is album that most fits the Spider-Man themes of teen angst, redemption and loss, especially with the inclusion of Dashboard Confessional and the track by Jet. I have the entire album downloaded, but here are the songs you should really be listening to:

Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional

Hold On- Jet

Give It Up- Midtown

The artists chosen to contribute to the CD were a general VH1 hotlist of 2002. Here’s a list of who else you can find in the track listing:

Train

Maroon 5 (I’ll accept them on mute because Adam Levine is hot)

Too bad your music blows.

Taking Back Sunday

Yellowcard

The Ataris

There’s also an awesome track from Queen guitarist Brian May. Can’t go wrong with that!

Spider-Man 3, 2007

This movie needed to redeem itself from its deplorable reception. Luckily, its soundtrack is just as exceptional as the first two. Hit up your iTunes for these:

Signal Fire- Snow Patrol

Move Away- The Killers

Pleased To Meet You- Wolfmother

Red River- The Walkmen

Falling Star- Jet

Spider-Man 3‘s companion CD also contains tracks by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Flaming Lips, The Oohlas, and Chubby Checker.

It’s also worth mentioning that the Spider-Man Theme was re-recorded by the Ramones as a hidden track on their 1995 album !Adios Amigos!. Their version was also included in one of their live performances and in various other projects.

The SUPERMAN Franchise

I don’t think it’s necessary for me to go on about how obsessed I am with anything and everything Superman. But in case you don’t know, and aren’t nervous about finding out, go here.

Superman first appeared in DC Comics’ Action Comics #1 in 1938 and ever since then has been floating around in comics, books, magazines, five movies, at least five television series, and um, my dreams. Wait! I mean no. Let’s just move on and get to the music part.

The first film, Superman, was released in 1978, and has since become a classic. Hearing the the Superman theme that accompanies the opening credits is like Pavlov’s bell to most little kids and um, myself.

Superman Opening Credits

All the films are scored, so they won’t be covered here, unfortunately. However, I will tell you guys that I recently watched the movie on AMC three nights in a row even though I own it on Blu-Ray.

My advice to those of you who have not yet familiarized yourself with the Superman franchise is to move to America. After that, watch Superman, Superman II and Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut and skip everything else. Superman Returns should never have been made and was a desperate attempt to cash in on all the comic books that are being exploited by Hollywood. This new Man of Steel that’s being slowly unraveled by Zack Snyder right now makes me very uneasy and I hope that having Jonathan Nolan on board means that I won’t cry through all of 2012. I plan on writing a post airing all my grievances on this later on, so be on the lookout for that. Or, check out now. Your call.

SMALLVILLE:

I never got into Smallville, even though I really, really wanted to, because it was boring and stupid, but I did look up the music used on the show for the sake of this post, and, like most of the shows on the CW, that turned out to be its only redeeming quality. The Smallville theme was “Save Me” by Remy Zero, which I actually have in my iTunes, and some of the artists heard in the episodes included Stabbing Westward, The Juliana Theory, Sia AND Zero 7, Unwritten Law, Interpol, The Cult, and Juliette and the Licks (SERIOUSLY??? OHMIGOD!!! Maybe I should have watched.)

I did not, however, appreciate seeing a season 7 episode listing that appeared to be a showcase for that dude from OneRepublic who’s like a whore for tweenyboppers. Also, when I was scrolling through the music section of the website I was just waiting to see that awful “Superman” song by Five For Fighting, because wouldn’t that just be predictable and cheesy, and yup, there it was.

Apparently the show released two soundtracks as well, both of which didn’t impress me, save for the inclusion of Depeche Mode’s “Precious” on Volume Two: Metropolis Mix.

So basically, watch the first two movies, and call it a day. And try not to picture me geeking out and fanning myself when the Superman theme comes on.

THOR

Seriously, have you seen this guy's arms?

Most of the music used in Thor is a score composed by Patrick Doyle. However, I had to include this movie because in one scene, and the closing credits, Foo Fighters’ “Walk,” from their latest LP, Wasting Light, is used as the only non-instrumental piece deemed worthy enough to make it into the film. Dave Grohl’s god-like awesomeness strikes again.

WATCHMEN

The Watchmen series was released in 1986, and is the only graphic novel before or since to make TIME‘s 100 All-TIME Greatest Novels list (in 2005). It was also featured at number 13 on Entertainment Weekly‘s list of 50 best novels in the last 25 years. Getting the feature film to finally hit theaters was a decades-long struggle that left fans salivating for a movie worthy of its caliber. Watchmen finally came out in 2009 from Warner Bros. Pictures.

While the movie wasn’t a complete failure, fans of the book weren’t exactly high on it as a whole. First of all, no matter how hot Billy Crudup is (and he is), no one wants to look at a big, blue schlong in our face for four hours- or, for that matter, for two minutes. Speaking of, what was up with that runtime? I’ve had relationships that were shorter than that. It’s also a Zack Snyder movie all the way- he’s not completely faithful to the novel, which again, makes me very, very apprehensive about Man of Steel.

However, the movie is memorable for the opening scene set to Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are A-Changin’”, which shows what our society has and will become. It does trick you into thinking that you just spent nine bucks on the Watchmen film you always wanted to see, but it’s a mesmerizing scene nonetheless.

The soundtrack is a music buff’s college term paper, with the aforementioned Dylan track plus classics by Hendrix and Janis Joplin. Also included is the closing credits title, an energizing effort from, surprisingly, My Chemical Romance, who usually annoy the shit out of me. They are covering a song originally performed by Bob Dylan, though, so maybe that explains it. Leonard Cohen’s oft-interpreted “Hallelujah” also appears, both on the soundtrack and in the film (I remember that it played during a particularly disturbing sex scene between Silk Spectre II and Nite Owl II, which almost ruined it for me). Here’s a complete listing of the best tracks from the movie:

Desolation Row- My Chemical Romance

Hallelujah- Leonard Cohen

All Along the Watchtower- Jimi Hendrix

The Times They Are A-Changin’- Bob Dylan

Me And Bobby McGee- Janis Joplin

The film also features two songs that are mentioned in the novel- “Hallelujah” and Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Sounds of Silence.”

As always, feel free to weigh in with your opinions below. I realize with every post that I write about comics I lose more and more street cred, but keep in mind that I weigh like fourteen pounds and look like I’m 12 anyway, so really, this is not hurting anything and you’re all bound to find out anyway.

When I was a kid in the 80′s I was really into Saturday morning cartoons. Every single week, my brothers and I would sit glued to the screen, transfixed by the animated half hours that would keep us from bugging our parents. We each had our favorites; I remember being particularly obsessed with Jem, Transformers, My Little Pony and Thundercats.

God, I LOVED Thundercats. A while ago I wrote a post on how Lion-O was my first childhood crush (don’t judge. It explains a lot). Next year I swear I’m going to be Cheetara for Halloween.

Then a few months ago I found out that they were remaking Thundercats on Cartoon Network. We all know how I applaud Hollywood and their ability to constantly come up with original concepts, but this nevertheless made me all squee-y inside. Then I found out that there was a clip of the first episode online and I was like, “Ooh! Jazz hands!”

Thundercats Preview

What the fuck?

What the hell is this garbage about? Why are the characters all of a sudden anime? What happened to Lion-O’s gigantic arms and male camel-toe?

Why is Cheetara dressed like the alien cat version of Yvonne Lehead? Why are all the Thundercats eleven years old? And BTW, why is “Thundera” spelled wrong????

No, Cartoon Network. NO. VETO.

This makes me sad in the pants. I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up severely traumatized.

Back in March, I started a bet with Johnny Sacks over at Living With Balls as to the outcome of the 2011 Major League Baseball season. It began as a relatively harmless lark, but then I realized that the loser has to keep their most hated team’s logo on their blog for a whole month. I’m a Mets fan and he’s a Yankees fan, so this is sure to be a very painful lesson in dignity.

Here’s how the points system works, to be determined at the end of the season:

1 point for each division/wild card winner
1 point for each Rookie of the Year
1 point for each most/least improved
2 points for each League Division series
3 points for each League Championship series
5 points for the World Series winner

You can get a good look at each of our picks here.

Now that the All-Star Game is over (BTW, KICK-ASS, NATIONAL LEAGUE! Here’s me doing my happy dance. Pretend you didn’t see that) and the season is half underway, I decided to revisit our choices and give you guys a heads-up on who’s going to be forced to put the Mets insignia on his blog (HAHA!). Of course there’s no final verdict on all the categories, since the season is only partially over, but here’s how we’re both doing so far:

DIVISION WINNERS:

AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST


We both chose the Boston Red Sox.

They have a fucking NASTY roster with a sick rotation and a healthy line-up, and although we both chose them to go to the World Series this year (against my most hated adversaries, the Stupid Phillies), Sacks actually predicted a win.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Looks like we were right on the mark. The Sox are currently first in the AL East, with a 55-35 record, sitting a game above the Yankees. They currently have a six-game winning streak and their next match is at Tampa, who hold the third-place spot in the division.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL

SACKS: Minnesota Twins

Due to an excellent management system and a new stadium, which led to a bigger payroll, Sacks went with the Twins. While this is a substantial choice, the AL Central is usually a pretty tight race between Minnesota, Detroit and Chicago, so we’ll see where this goes. Joe Nathan and Justin Morneau were injured last season, but were expected to come back this year at the head of their game.

NUGS: Detroit Tigers

Choosing the leader of the AL Central is always a toss-up for me, but this year I decided to pick Detroit. Jim Leyland has proven to be one of the top managers in the business, and now, with one final year on his contract, he made some key signings in the off-season with the additions of Victor Martinez and Joaquin Benoit. He also made the outstanding decision to keep top performers Magglio Ordonez, Brandon Inge and Jhonny Peralta.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Well.

Not only are the Tigers in the top spot, but they’re seriously dominating over Minnesota.

Detroit currently holds a 49-43 record, with the Indians (seriously???) half a game back in the number two position. Their next game is at home against the White Sox, who were ALMOST my pick this year.

The Twins have next to no shot at a title this year, with a 41-48 record. They’re not exactly chasing the Tigers, as they’re 6.5 games out of the race. Yeah, good luck with that.

AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST

Due to their American League pennant in 2010, Sacks and I both went for the Texas Rangers.

None of the other teams in this division did anything in the off-season to make us believe they even wanted to put up a fight, and the Rangers’ solid pitching is still a powerhouse, even with Cliff Lee eventually going to the Phillies (gross- more on them later).

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

This was easy to predict- Texas’ 51-41 record has put them atop the AL West, one game ahead of the Angels. Their seven-game winning streak is currently the highest in Major League Baseball, and their next game is an away against Seattle, who is 7.5 games out of first place.

WILD CARD

Sick minds think alike- both Sacks and I picked the Yankees.

Come on, it’s the Yankees. They’re the Hugh Hefner of professional sports. Instead of trying to fix whatever glitches might come their way, they just go out and buy some more 19-year-olds.

Besides, if they’re having a shitty year, they’ll just pay someone to get them into the playoffs.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Please. Like you guys had to ask.

Currently a game behind the Sox with a record of 53-35, the Yankees are clinging to that Wild Card spot. Their next game is an away against Toronto, who’s 10 games behind them. So, yeah.

NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST

Unfortunately for me, this one was probably the most apparent, and also the most painful, in all of Major League Baseball. Sacks and I both predicted that the Stupid Phillies would not only take the division, but also win the National League pennant. In my case, I’m also disgusted by the fact that they’ll probably win everything. Douchebags.

When Sacks emailed me his choices months ago he did express sympathy for both of us by stating that we each went with our most hated teams as the World Series winners. This will most likely be our consolation prize when whoever loses has to put either the Mets or Yankees logo on their site. 

The Phillies’ lineup is ridiculous, and their rotation is most likely considered illegal in 37 states. This is why I loathe them with the speed and passion of a thousand fastballs to the crotch. When the pitcher you’re the most concerned about is Joe Blanton, who was still basically unstoppable until he was recently placed on the 15-day DL, all the other teams in your division should probably just go home.

I hate you, Stupid Phillies. Every year you make me miserable and depressed.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

I really didn’t want to check on this, because I knew it would break my heart. I figured that the Phillies would be in first place, by like, a lot, and I also realized that by checking the standings for the NL East, I would also see how shitty the Mets were doing (read: everyone close to me is hiding the Drano).

Not only are the 57-34 Stupid Phillies 3.5 games ahead of the second place Braves, but none of the other teams in the NL East even have a prayer. They all suck ferociously, but at least my beloved Mets are in third place. I’ll ignore the fact that they have 7.5 games to go before they even catch up to Atlanta (they won’t). It also really doesn’t help that the Phillies play their next game against the Mets. It’s at ShittyField, but let’s be honest; that doesn’t make a difference.

At least the Marlins are terrible this year. Sorry, Lor. #butnotreally.

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL

SACKS: Milwaukee Brewers

I almost went with Milwaukee, but I wasn’t positive that this was their year. Sacks made a logical decision based on the Brewers’ addition of ace Zack Greinke and a lineup that includes Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun.

NUGS: Cincinnati Reds

The Reds seemingly came out of nowhere with an outstanding young offense and amazing growth potential. Scott Rolen is one of the best third basemen in baseball if he’s not injured, and the Cardinals were no longer the threat they used to be. It was a tough call between them and Milwaukee, but I had to go with the Reds based on 2010′s accomplishments.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

This one is close. The Brewers are currently in first place; however they’re tied with the St. Louis Cardinals with a 49-43 record. The Reds are currently in third place with a record of 45-47. Sacks is in the lead here, but I could easily topple this one. The season’s only half over!

BTW, their next games are against each other, in Cincinnati. So we’ll see who prevails.

NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST

Due to their status as World Series Winners, Sacks and I both got creative and picked the San Francisco Giants. 

Not only are they the reigning MLB champs, but their rotation is nausea-inducing (Tim Lincecum and Madison Bumgarner’s pitching is ridiculous) and their lineup isn’t shabby either.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Like anyone had any doubt? The Arizona Diamondbacks are the only NL West team that even come close to going after the Giants, sitting three games behind their 52-40 record. Their next game is against the last-place Padres, who are 12 games out. It’s in San Diego; like that matters.

WILD CARD

SACKS: Colorado Rockies

Sacks chose the Rockies for the coveted Wild Card slot based on their off-season acquisition of Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez, not to mention the monster arm of Ubaldo Jimenez. The Rockies have been showing major improvements since their slump and were expected to shake up the NL West.


NUGS: Milwaukee Brewers

I chose the Brewers based on the difficult choice I had to make between this team and the Reds for the top spot in the NL Central. I figured whichever team didn’t lead that division would be the Wild Card in the National League. This division is in an incredibly close race for first place every year.

The Brewers have the distinction of being one of the only teams in baseball where hitting trumps pitching.  While they did shell out for ace Zack Greinke, Milwaukee can also boast a lineup of Prince Fielder, who is absolutely proof of genetics, Corey Hart and Ryan Braun.

Their next game, coincidentally, is at home vs. Colorado. This should be interesting.

ALL-STAR BREAK STANDING:

Neither one of us got this one, actually- the NL Wild Card, so far, is the Atlanta Braves.

Great- I hate them, too. Not as much as the Stupid Phillies, of course, but I still reserve a shelf of resentment for them in my heart.

However, when tallying up the results, let it be noted that the Brewers are five games ahead of the Rockies and therefore closer to the Wild Card slot. So again, the victory goes to me. Cue Nelson Muntz laugh.

Of course, this is subject to change in November, after the World Series is over and the MVP’s are announced. The rest of the categories- and your winner and loser- will all be determined after the season is done. I just wanted to give you guys a clear update on the fact that so far, victory is mine.

You guys are in for a very special edition of SMAC this month. I was actually going to skip the July movie reviews altogether, seeing as how I’ve been going through some incredibly overwhelming shit (more on that at a later date) and I’ve also been letting my Childhood Trauma posts pile up. I sent out an email that let everyone know that SMAC was a no-go for July, and we would pick up again next month.

And then. AND. THEN. I found out a few days ago that Season of the Witch had come out on DVD. I had waiting for this since the day it had been released in theaters and was met with a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Its final score was a 7%, which I had been warned by Sara Nips that it didn’t even deserve. I was intrigued. I must see this movie.

My genius plan was to have the July theme of SMAC be “Season of the Witch,” where we all watch the movie and review it for someone else’s blog. We already did a Nic Cage-themed ‘ring back in April, and it was so mentally damaging that I swore I would never watch another one of his movies ever again, but seriously, this one deserves a post of its very own.

Unfortunately for me, no one else was willing to take one for the team. I figured that at the very least, my girls in the Nip Clique would be the wingwomen- you know, the friends that hook up with the ugly guy so you can have quality sexytimes with the totally hot piece of ass you picked up at the bar, only to discover that he’s dumb as a fucking stump and/or secretly a leprechaun? Not that that’s ever happened to me. On either side. However, apparently this movie is so bad, so heinously awful that even my best bloggy friends were like, “hell, no!” and left me to suffer through the torturous twenty minutes that I got through. Thanks a lot. And you guys all claim love.

Basically, here’s what I got from the time that I spent (actually) watching Season of the Witch: There’s some chick that everyone thinks is a witch, and the other characters have to bring her to some village. That’s about it. We don’t learn her name, although I suspect that’s because even the fictional character was embarrassed to be part of this movie and chose not to reveal who she actually was. Ron Perlman was in this movie, BTW- Ron Perlman! I sincerely hope his performance in this pile of shit doesn’t scare you guys away from ever watching Sons of Anarchy or either of the Hellboy films, because both of those (especially SOA) are pretty substantial and if you haven’t experienced them yet, you should.

The costumes and props are pretty hilarious; the whole thing reminded me of when I used to play Oregon Trail. Honestly, I would have welcomed the dysentery at that point- it would have given me an excuse to get away from the movie.

Also, in the spirit of the NCH scale, what is UP with this dude’s hair? I absolutely give this one a category all its own. I don’t even… what the fuck.

At least go to a SuperCuts, in the name of all that doesn't suck!

In the twenty minutes (actually, 18.75) I spent wondering how Nicolas Cage ever earned an Academy Award, I really did attempt to make it to the end. As the creator of SMAC, I really hate to let you guys down, but I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I’ve finally found the one film that defeated me; the one that even I couldn’t get all the way through. I thought it couldn’t be done, ever. That is quite the accomplishment- congratulations, Season of the Witch.

I am officially mad at all of you for forcing me to go through this misery by myself. No more sexual favors (and don’t think you can get away with hiding in my treehouse, Lor- I’ve briefed him on the situation and he knows what’s up).

You guys owe me. Huge.

Things have been drunkenly going down here in the That Ain’t Kosher offices, and by offices I mean my laptop, because this post marks the one year anniversary of Aural Sex! (Sadly, this also marks a very long anniversary of no oral sex, but let’s move away from that before I get violent and then cry a lot.)

I’ve been involved with the music space for what seems like my entire life- I’ve even tried to get away from it, and no matter what I do, it always finds me (dammit). I’m always around musicians, music journalists, or music venues in some capacity, and if you go through the contacts in my phone, 3/4 of them have access to some kind of gear.

To honor the first birthday of Aural Sex, I’ve decided that I needed to immortalize the most exalted women in the music business- those that have recorded classic tunes, fronted powerhouse bands, and made the men of the industry think with their other head.

So thanks, guys, for sticking with me for one full year of Aural Sex. Turn this shit up- this list goes to 11.

THE ICONS

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

Aguilera could have easily become another Mouseketeer if it weren’t for her ridiculous set of pipes. Even when she broke out with that stupid Genie song everybody know she was a true talent to watch out for.

THE BANGLES

The Bangles were the first band I ever saw live- I think I was like three or something. They also recorded a kick-ass cover of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Hazy Shade of Winter” that made every girl on the planet want to pick up a guitar.

PAT BENATAR

Did you guys know Pat Benatar started out as an opera singer? Did you also know she’s only about 5’1?

Yup.

BJORK

Bjork has one of the most recognizable vocal stylings in music- MTV ranked her voice at #8 on their “Greatest Voices” List. Her sound is eclectic and combines multiple genres, and this is often reflected in her personal style (see: swan dress. What the hell?).

Bjork is a refreshing release from the factory pop that gets churned out on a monthly basis- even her earlier work with The Sugarcubes had a decidedly post-punk feel. Thom Yorke has been quoted as saying that Bjork’s “Unravel” is his favorite song, and Radiohead covered it in 2007. Oh my God. If the two of them recorded it together I would die. DIE.

Bjork’s “All is Full of Love” was the first DVD single ever to be released in the US.

Last year, Bjork and The Dirty Projectors released a joint EP to benefit marine conservation. I wonder if my brother knows about that. I should give him a call.

CHER

It’s 2011, so Cher is what, 106 years old, and is the only person in history to have both won an Oscar and recorded with Beavis and Butthead.

Other than that, Cher is the only person to have received an Oscar, three Golden Globes, Grammy, Emmy and a Cannes Film Festival Award. She is also the only artist to have a Billboard number one hit in each of the last six decades, and her “Farewell Tour” holds the record as the most successful tour by a female artist of all time. Cher’s career has lasted over 45 years, while my last job lasted a month. Go me.

For all the jokes that are constantly being thrown around about Cher, no one seems to have more of a sense of humor about any of them than Cher herself. She always seems so normal and never takes herself seriously. It was especially hilarious when she appeared as herself on Will & Grace, and Jack thought she was a Cher impersonator. When her own daughter came out, first as a lesbian and then as a transgender, Cher was supportive and became a strong vocal advocate of the gay community. While I’m heterosexual, I am also a staunch defender of anyone who stands up for those who may have difficulty maintaining their own rights. I may not be a fan of Cher’s music, but I am definitely behind her beliefs.

PATSY CLINE

I’m tempted to leave her off this list because I’m convinced that she’s solely responsible for everyone who thinks they’re talented enough for American Idol. However, all of her songs, country or not, are pretty much pop culture staples and everyone and their dog knows the opening to “Crazy” and “I Fall To Pieces.”

She died in a plane crash at the pinnacle of her career when she was only thirty years old, but she left an enormous impact on the music industry. She became the first woman ever to be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame, and was voted among the most influential artists by CMT, VH1 and Rolling Stone.

KIM DEAL

Most of my friends don’t know who Kim Deal is until I mention The Pixies. Then they still don’t know who she is. I talk about The Breeders and they STILL don’t know.

For shame, guys.

ARETHA FRANKLIN

Needs no explanation. If you don’t know why she’s been included you may as well be clinically dead.

THE GO-GO’S

The Go-Go’s are even cooler now that I know they had really filthy minds.

DEBBIE HARRY

Debbie Harry is best known as the frontwoman for Blondie, one of the seminal bands of the New York City punk scene. I listen to Blondie all the time because they can’t be grouped into one distinct genre- their sound combines new wave, reggae, rap and pop as well as punk.

Blondie was such an inspiration to me because in an era where guys were running the show, here was a band that was led by a hot, blonde chick. She still looks great, too- I’ll probably look half as good as her when I’m 65.

CHRISSIE HYNDE

I actually met Chrissie Hynde. I was in Washington, DC about 15 years ago and she was at a rally fighting for animal rights. So, not only is she one of the most iconic women in the history of music, but she also stands up for those who can’t support themselves. She’s also one of the nicest people on the planet, BTW.

LOVE HER.

JANET JACKSON

Janet Jackson emerged as the “girl” in one of music’s most all-time successful families to form a career that’s been showing everyone how it’s done for almost thirty years. In 1991, she signed the first of two multi-million dollar contracts, both of which would break previous records signed by any recording artist thus far. She’s also managed to cross over into acting, starring on TV and in movies while still maintaining a successful record of noteworthy album sales. She could have easily sat back and just borrowed money from her brothers but she was determined to roll around in her own cash. Fuck yes.

JANIS JOPLIN

Did any of you know “Piece of My Heart” was a cover? That’s a sign of a truly monumental talent- one that can take an original piece and turn it into something completely different. I can only imagine what Janis Joplin would be doing now if she hadn’t totally fucked herself up.

JOAN JETT

Joan Jett is one of my idols. After The Runaways disbanded, she decided to start her own career. Jett got rejected by 23 major labels, so she started her own, independent label, Blackheart Records. From there, she recorded a cover of “I Love Rock and Roll” and made it her own. In a genre where the boys are all mentioned in one breath, Joan Jett is one of the most lauded and respected names in the business.

Plus, have you seen her lately? She looks fucking amazing. She’s what, 50?

CYNDI LAUPER

“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is the first song I remember dancing around to in my living room as a toddler. I developed a strong attachment to the way she rocked the punk look even though her music was happy and pop-y, and also her accent is from Queens.

We do not sound sexy, yo. Have you ever talked to people from New York City for extended periods of time? It’s like holding dialogue with Ray Liotta in Goodfellas.

MADONNA

She’s kind of a joke now, but think about everything she’s contributed to pop culture as a whole for the last thirty years.

I’m also kind of scared to say anything bad about her. Her velociraptor arms might crush my face.

SALT N PEPA

Rap was owned by the men until “Push It.”

SARAH MCLACHLAN

I’m personally not a fan, but I can’t put up a post about women in music and leave out the founder of Lilith Fair.

Plus anyone who ever watched Buffy, the Vampire Slayer knows what I’m talking about. That final scene of Season Two KILLED IT. (Thanks for NOT giving me the video, Youtube).

JONI MITCHELL

I remember my mom playing old Joni Mitchell records while I was growing up. I can’t say that I ever became a huge devotee, but there’s no way I can leave her out of a post of the most influential women in music.

STEVIE NICKS

Despite the fact that she just relinquished the rights to the best Fleetwood Mac tunes to Glee, Stevie Nicks remains one of the icons not just of women in rock, but in all of musical history.

NICO

Nico was the female behind The Velvet Underground, as well a solo artist, model and Warhol muse from the 1960′s through the early 80′s. She was the inspiration for a multitude of pop culture staples before and after her death in 1988, including Patti Smith, Stevie Nicks, Bjork, The Eurythmics, Elliott Smith, Blind Melon and Anberlin.

LINDA PERRY

Ignore her 4 Non-Blondes phase. Linda Perry has become one of the most sought-after songwriters and producers in the pop genre, collaborating with the likes of Pink, Christina Aguilera and Gwen Stefani.

LIZ PHAIR

Liz Phair hit the grunge scene hard at the same time as the guys, and even though I was too young to appreciate it then, I love Exile in Guyville now. Later she took a breather, had a son, and came back with a pop album, just to fuck with everyone’s head.

QUEEN LATIFAH

Queen Latifah started out as a rapper and has since transcended pop culture, starring in a (shitty) TV series and an Oscar-winning film, also earning an Academy Award nomination herself. She is the first female hip-hop artist ever to receive an Academy Award nomination for acting. She can also be seen in ads for Cover Girl as a spokesmodel, and in commercials for Jenny Craig.

I hate rap, but even I have to admit that’s pretty damn impressive. Will everyone shut up about whether she’s a lesbian or not? I don’t really give a shit. 

PATTI SMITH

Patti Smith, known as the “Godmother of Punk,” is one of the foremost reasons that I’m proud to be from New York City. Technically, she’s from Chicago, but she was one of the most important figures in the NYC punk and poetry movement. Her debut album Horses, as well her role in rock journalism, helped shape the way I listen to music. I also think it’s awesome that she received an honorary doctorate from the college that my mom went to.

Since her contribution to the music scene, Smith has since been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and been given the Polar Music Prize. She was also specifically chosen to close the farewell ceremony for CBGB’s.

Patti Smith is also directly responsible for the formation of R.E.M.- listening to Horses convinced Michael Stipe to start a band. So without Patti Smith, another of my favorite bands might not be around today. Thank you, Patti Smith.

THE RUNAWAYS

You thought they were a novelty until they picked up their fucking instruments. Too bad Lita Ford resorted to 80′s hair metal.

BRITNEY SPEARS

Laugh if you will- she changed the face of teenybopper pop and managed to resurrect her career numerous times after a multitude of personal fall-outs. “Till the World Ends” is a pretty great club hit that could be just the comeback she needs.

TINA TURNER

I first was introduced to Tina Turner when she took on the role of The Acid Queen in The Who’s Tommy. Of course, I saw it when I was five and I had no idea what an “acid queen” was; I only knew that I was mesmerized.

Later, I learned that Turner had overcome an abusive relationship with Ike to escape with both of their careers and legs that would take me years of pilates and eating only Ritz Bits. She STILL has better legs than I do. Holy shit.

SHANIA TWAIN

I happen to think her music blows. However, 1997′s Come On Over is the best-selling album of all time by a female musician and the eighth-best selling album of all time in the US.

ANN & NANCY WILSON

I saw Heart in concert a few years ago, and the Wilson sisters are still phenomenal. Not only is the band fantastic, all their songs sound exactly as they used to.

I saw them perform with Journey and Cheap Trick. I actually took my dad to this show because all of my friends refused to go with me. I actually asked the guy I was dating at the time and he laughed at me, then realized I was serious, so he told me no. A-hole.

Also, for those of you that love Cameron Crowe movies (such as myself), Nancy- his wife- wrote the score for a number of them, including Elizabethtown, Jerry Maguire and Vanilla Sky (let’s erase that last one). She also did the score for Almost Famous, which is my absolute favorite movie of all time, so that makes sense.

THE FUTURE:

ADELE

Adele’s voice blows me away. I didn’t really notice her before, because I was never an enormous fan of her material, but I recently heard “Rolling In The Deep,” and I had my “holy shit” moment. It’s a really simple song, but there’s so much power in her vocal stylings that you can tell that every word out of her mouth is one hundred percent real emotion. Take note, Avril Lavigne.

Not to mention, I think she’s beautiful with hair that makes me superjealous. I wish reviewers would stop harping on the “even though she’s bigger” factor, because it doesn’t fucking matter. Her talent is amazing.

NIKKA COSTA

Nikka Costa’s track “Like A Feather” was featured in a Tommy Hilfiger ad in 2000, and I still listen to it today. Later, “Everybody Got Their Something” appeared on an episode of the sixth season of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, which is only one of the GREATEST TV SHOWS OF ALL TIME.

I’m not so big on the funk genre, but Costa’s music is pretty dance-able.

FEIST

I’ve had the honor of seeing Feist perform live twice- once with Broken Social Scene and another as simply herself. At the time I had no idea that this was the same artist (I’m a little slow sometimes).

We all know Feist, even if we don’t realize it- her “1234″ was featured in the iPod Nano ad and thus allowed her solo career to blow up. I’ll ignore the fact that she’s from Canada because of her myriad of talent.

Canada also, however, gave us Justin Bieber. So I guess they cancel each other out.

IMOGEN HEAP

I first heard Imogen Heap’s “Hide and Seek” in the second season finale of The O.C. I was immediately struck by the way her music deviated from most of the top-40 shit that was on the airwaves and downloaded the rest of the album Speak For Yourself.

Heap’s style is the definition of eclectic- she’s been known to use frying pans to create her music and leave subliminal messages for her friends and family. The only beef I have with her is that she allowed “Hide and Seek” to be sampled in that heinous Z-100 atrocity by Jason DeRulo.

ELLY JACKSON

Elly Jackson is the female half of the UK electro-dance-pop act La Roux. I first heard “Bulletproof” in Ginntastic’s car about a year ago and ever since then it’s been on perma-shuffle on my iPod. I’m usually not into this genre AT ALL so I can’t explain my attachment to La Roux- maybe it’s because they remind me of Boston Massacre 2010, or maybe it’s because their songs are so damn catchy. Just download their shit and see for yourself.

JULIETTE LEWIS

I love Juliette Lewis. She’s not only extremely versatile as an actress but her music is really fucking weird. She also just doesn’t give a shit. I’ve seen her perform with her band, Juliette and the Licks, and again in a solo performance, and she prances around onstage like she’s naked in her bedroom or something singing into her hairbrush.

Not like I’ve ever done that. Or anything.

SIA

Sia is better known as the vocalist for Zero 7, but if you haven’t heard anything else she’s done, you are seriously missing out. Her solo work is amazing. If you were a fan of Six Feet Under, you’ll recognize “Breathe Me” from the masterful final sequence of the series finale. She has also released multiple solo albums and collaborations and taken home a shitload of Australian awards and accreditations.

Sia also recorded a cover of Radiohead’s “Paranoid Android.” I was so excited about this that I can even forgive her for her contribution to the Twilight soundtrack.

Also, I just found out that her uncle is Colin Hay, the dude from Men At Work who’s now doing some pretty cool solo stuff. The More You Know.

VERUCA SALT

I used to LOVE Veruca Salt when I was a kid. Listening to them made me feel like such a badass. Later I found out there was a guy in the band, so the image was slightly tarnished, but I was still kind of into the whole “chicks with sticks” thing, so I didn’t really care. They toured with Hole in the mid-90′s and I’m still pissed that I was never allowed to see that show because I was “too young.” I still listen to “Seether” on repeat. That track is such a head-banger.

According to their Wikipedia page, Veruca Salt is still together, although it’s really just Louise Post and some people using the Veruca Salt name (I hate when they do that).

FLORENCE WELCH

Welch is the “Florence” behind the ubiquitous Florence + the Machine. The single “Dog Days Are Over” is probably one more advertisement away from becoming a cloying pop culture staple, but five million mad men can’t be wrong, right?

I loved this song immediately upon my first listen, and it’s pretty difficult to pass my initial test. Welch’s vocals sound like a cross between Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s and Jewel after a three-day bender. Florence + the Machine’s performance at the 2010 VMA’s marked the only time I’ve watched MTV in the past seven years (I turned it off immediately after, though).

Florence + the Machine was recently bestowed with Glamour‘s Band of the Year award, as well as the Musician of the Year award from Elle Style. They were nominated for a bunch of other accolades in ’09 and ’10, including distinctions from Q Magazine, MTV (I use “distinctions” loosely here), MOJO, Billboard and the Grammys.

Add this to the fact that this girl is only in her mid-twenties, and I expect to see an even bigger boost in her career. I’ll definitely be paying attention.

Of course this column wouldn’t be Nugs-approved if I didn’t have a section dedicated to those that piss me off. Take a look at the “artists” that set us females back twenty years.

BEYONCE

One of my very first posts was about how much I hate Beyonce. She’s like the cast of Glee- everywhere you look, there she is. Beyonce would go to the American Egg Farm Awards if there were cameras there of any kind.

Beyonce- WE GET IT! You’re alive! We see you! Time to move on and you know, do your job? Make some music?

Actually don’t do that either. Your songs suck.

MILEY CYRUS

Miley Cyrus is like Champion of the Whores. That’s pretty impressive for someone who’s about four years old. At first when she just had that stupid show on the Disney Channel I could tolerate her, because she wasn’t being marketed towards my demographic and it kept the kids quiet. Now she’s so desperate to get away from her Disney image that she can’t decide whether she’s a hillbilly or a trailer park slut. Those photo shoots with her dad where she’s laying with her head near his peen are incredibly fucking creepy. I love my dad too, but I don’t like, LOVE my dad, if you get what I’m saying.

Once I was with my mom when she was watching Oprah (I know) and she had Miley Cyrus on performing a song with Joan Jett. I almost dry heaved. So, for all of you that are aspiring to be like the Wakefield twins, you should seriously consider a strong helping of Miley Cyrus.

LADY GAGA

Lady Gaga pisses me off because if you listen to her music, she actually has a lot of talent and I wish I could list her in the first section of this post. With a few more credentials under her belt, I could have actually seen her becoming a fairly prolific songwriter. Her own music is pretty catchy too- “Bad Romance” is fucking great.

I just can’t stand her. I think she’s an asshole who says things that she may not even believe just because she can, and her miserable personality detracts from her abundance of musical capability. Did any of you catch her interview on 60 Minutes? Anderson Cooper looked like he wanted to punch himself in the throat just to get away from her.

Lady Gaga is originally from New York City, and recently outraged both Yankees and Mets fans at both stadiums. As a born-and-raised New Yorker myself, she offends me just by walking around. Her talent is wasted by her constant, pathetic need for attention. High school is over, dude. You already got back at your haters just by being Lady Gaga; now focus on the creative process and keep making your awesome dance hits.

Idiot.

COURTNEY LOVE

I still love Live Through This. In an era when grunge was dominated by the boys, Hole’s second album taught me that women could shake up the music industry as well. I kind of ignored the fact that the album was most likely written (uncredited) by Kurt Cobain and wore the shit out of that CD.

Later, after Cobain’s untimely death and the subsequent demise of Nirvana, Hole released Celebrity Skin, which was radically different from their first effort. It wasn’t BAD, just almost contradictory. Its sound was decidedly pop, whereas Live Through This had been able to rock out with the likes of Nirvana, Alice In Chains, STP and the rest. This just added fuel to the rumors that Courtney Love hadn’t penned any of the songs on the last album. Although reviews for both albums were generally favorable, a lot of the band’s fans were disappointed with the follow-up.

Of course, we now know Courtney Love better for becoming a monumental fuck-up. She’s since lost custody of her daughter, who won’t even speak to her (she reportedly lives with Cobain’s family) and posts asinine rants on Twitter that have so many grammatical errors I don’t even know where to look.

The saddest thing about Courtney Love is that she could have been a principal contribution to the history of music, and now she’s just a joke.

The file name for this picture was actually "disgracefully." Yup, sounds about right.

Kurt Cobain has been gone almost 20 years already. God, I’m so old.

GWEN STEFANI

Seriously? You’re 40. Stop.

There’s the Auralversary Edition of Aural Sex. I have no clue what I’m going to do for next month’s next post, so uh, suggestions (and dollar bills) welcome.